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I'm back into the diaspora

NAS86592
over 1 year ago

I fool myself into believing I am a functional person---but I am not.   All tasks involving my engagement with people seems to end in failure.  Despite  being married, that too has been an ongoing oppositional battle.  We tolerate each other.  I just had my 78th birthday and I am tired of leading this negative existance.  Hassle just seems to find me.  I'm not even sure my input now will be registered owing to a past NAS ID mixup I tried to sort out, but it too failed.  So now I'm  operating under a different ID which will be strange to any friends or followers I previously had engaged with.  

I am really at a low point.  Spilling out my guts to an anonymous crowd seems pointless to me.  I don't really know why I started this thread.  I initially thought I had found a home here, but that also went sour.  I'm not looking for sympathy.  I am clutching at straws trying to find my purpose while also trying to keep peace with my tortured soul.

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  • over 1 year ago

    Thanks guys.  

    "Maybe if you were more open with your current difficulties on here, you could feel connected to others, receive helpful feedback, and gain insight to take the student path." 
    I've always struggled sharing my feelings. My wife says I have a tin heart---not true, I just don't wear it on my sleeve. Hence why I fool myself into believing in my functionality. I recently tried to volunteer my time---the one commodity I have in abundance--- to a local steam museum.  I was rejected on the grounds of my ASD and having to deal with the public.  That really hurt although they couldn't admit to it being the true reason.  Before my application I promised myself this would be my last shot at trying to engage owing to a history of rejections I could write a book about.  I felt sure my electro/mechanical background would stand me in good stead with the steam museum---wrong!!  So I have given up, I've been beaten, and I'm tired, but I re-discovered this site again which in its unique way, is an uplift and a kind of "fix" --- like a drug.
  • over 1 year ago in reply to NAS86592

    Yeah, you cant write about pain when you're restrained by fear. Maybe if you work on your fear in a way that you accept it yet learn to still get through while protecting yourself, you can engage in the world more and be happier.

  • over 1 year ago in reply to All My Friends Are Autistic

    l ways had difficulty with openness.  I restrain myself because I go OTT when I am open. It becomes an uncontrolled flood.  I have "dumped" on a few unfortunate individuals in the distant past, and it isn't good for me or them---so I restrain myself which causes other difficulties.

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