I'm back into the diaspora

From the outside, it seems to me that you are beating yourself up over having understandable difficulties.  It would be like a doctor hating themselves because they weren't able to save a life.  Doctors lose patients all the time.  It's part of the job.  Yet, we don't sit around hating them with terms like "dysfunctional" when they try their best and fail.  Sometimes things are just unexpected, out of our control, or unresolveable.  We have to accept our failures as lessons, not shortcoming or moral deficiencies.  Like one of my favorite musicians said, "There were victims, and there were students."  Meaning, either you see yourself as a victim without control and give up to fate, or you learn from the experience and continue moving forward building your path.  Maybe if you were more open with your current difficulties on here, you could feel connected to others, receive helpful feedback, and gain insight to take the student path.  I know it can be hard.  I just took a 4 day vacation from everyone and everything because I was way to overwhelmed.  However, every time I reconnect with my support, I'm happy I did. 

In my case, I guess what I'm learning by sharing this is that I need to learn what is it the drives me away from it all, and figure out a way to better manage that pattern.  From what I can tell right now, it's something in the area of a sense of inadequacy, lack of purpose, confusion, fear of upsetting others, and fear of others themselves.

From the outside, it seems to me that you are beating yourself up over having understandable difficulties.  It would be like a doctor hating themselves because they weren't able to save a life.  Doctors lose patients all the time.  It's part of the job.  Yet, we don't sit around hating them with terms like "dysfunctional" when they try their best and fail.  Sometimes things are just unexpected, out of our control, or unresolveable.  We have to accept our failures as lessons, not shortcoming or moral deficiencies.  Like one of my favorite musicians said, "There were victims, and there were students."  Meaning, either you see yourself as a victim without control and give up to fate, or you learn from the experience and continue moving forward building your path.  Maybe if you were more open with your current difficulties on here, you could feel connected to others, receive helpful feedback, and gain insight to take the student path.  I know it can be hard.  I just took a 4 day vacation from everyone and everything because I was way to overwhelmed.  However, every time I reconnect with my support, I'm happy I did. 

In my case, I guess what I'm learning by sharing this is that I need to learn what is it the drives me away from it all, and figure out a way to better manage that pattern.  From what I can tell right now, it's something in the area of a sense of inadequacy, lack of purpose, confusion, fear of upsetting others, and fear of others themselves.

All My Friends Are Autistic said:

In my case, I guess what I'm learning by sharing this is that I need to learn what is it the drives me away from it all, and figure out a way to better manage that pattern.  From what I can tell right now, it's something in the area of a sense of inadequacy, lack of purpose, confusion, fear of upsetting others, and fear of others themselves.

Your case is my case.  For me love is a meaningless word.  I've created my interpretation of it as a mask. I'm not a calculating, manipulative, or deceitful type.  I do firmly believe in live and let live. My introspective persona is often misunderstood as being snobbish.  I really struggle in my socialising attempts which invariably fail.  My latest, and final attempt was recently made with volunteering my time --- a comodity I have an abundance of --- to a local steam museum.  I was declined. I felt sure my engineering background would fill their needs, but they were looking for a "people person" who could deal with the public---that's not me, as I stated earlier "your case is my case"  When you learn what is it that drives you away from it all  please let me know as I'm sure that reason may apply to myself. Perhaps it is fear.

All My Friends Are Autistic said:

Maybe if you were more open with your current difficulties on here, you could feel connected to others, receive helpful feedback, and gain insight to take the student path.

I've always had an issue with sharing or displaying my emotions. My wife says I have a tin heart---not true, I just don't wear it on my sleeve.  I've always been independant in nature, and self reliant.  She has her own issues as an agoraphobic---what a pair we make!

All My Friends Are Autistic said:

From what I can tell right now, it's something in the area of a sense of inadequacy, lack of purpose, confusion, fear of upsetting others, and fear of others themselves.

Your description is noteworthy as it seems to be fitting.  With my long history of rejections and negativity, its been an uphill struggle --- I am truly tired and spent.  I can't find peace with engagement.  It seems apparent I should have been a hermit wrapped up in my own turmoil instead, I led this purposeless charade of a life. This is a bitter pill for me to swallow.  I am incapable of displaying authentic loving,caring, emotions.  It's just another mask and a reality I have lived with for a lifetime.  I have been a lifelong "student" who has learned to develope this mask, while leaving a wake of negativity and bad feeling behind me.  If you was around in 1965 when Michael Crawford  played brilliantly in "The knack and How To Get It" ----wellll, I too never got it!  I think that is where the phrase was coined "some mothers do have them" or am I confusing that title with another brilliant Michael Crawford series.

Number, you know me as Asperger Mike, and previous to that NAS83898---hello again!

We punish ourselves, all the time.