Tired

This is an article I bookmarked some years ago.

https://www.theguardian.com/social-care-network/social-life-blog/2015/sep/16/autism-as-an-adult-on-the-many-days-i-spend-alone-i-forget-how-to-talk

It pretty much sums up the stark reality of life as a later diagnosed autistic adult.

"The assumption that we must have worked it out by now if we’re still walking, talking and have a pulse can hide a grim reality of difficult, isolated and unfulfilled lives. Over time I’ve learned the hard way how to present well in public but behind closed doors it’s a different matter. I live in a house where the lights, fridge, cooker and washing machine have packed up one by one but I lack the skills to sort it out, and I’d rather live in darkness than have someone I don’t know in my personal space. I may be a graduate with a high IQ but I struggle financially due to a lifetime of subsisting on a single, small part-time income. I lack close family or friends to support me and on the many days I spend alone I am liable to forget how to talk. Sometimes someone just giving me a reality check of the “have you eaten today?” kind would be useful."

Exactly.  

Bowie is the answer to everything - my ship in a storm when life is too much...

I feel exactly the same way. I feel sad that others find the same things difficult, and at the same time it's also comforting. I spent my life feeling that there was something very wrong with me. Here I know that there isn't anything wrong, I'm just different, and here there's people who are the same kind of different. I'm no longer alone. 

Thanks Pickl, it’s appreciated.

I feel a little better this even as opposed to last night. Mainly because of this place. I remember posting in here once as a reply to someone that it didn’t make me feel any better knowing that others were in the same boat. But actually, now I realise others being in the same boat means they get it. And if they get it it means there are other people out there like me. So maybe I’m not as much of the weird alien I’ve always felt I am. 

I don't know if it's because I'm perhaps spending more time trying to figure myself out, and therefore too much in my own headspace or if it's the environments that I'm in, or that I believed getting older would mean life would become easier, and it hasn't, or all the above, but everything seems so much more overwhelming. 

I also wish my life could be so much more simpler, and that I could opt out of adulthood, I'm not good at pretending I'm an adult anyway. If only I could just do what makes me comfortable. 

I'm sure there's a solution to at least some of this, if I could just stop over thinking enough and let the answers just come to me. However I'm not good at that either. There are times when I wish everything would just stop, but my solution to that isn't a positive one.

I'm sorry I have no useful advice for you Zoe, or profound words that would make you feel better, even for just a short while. All I can say is that you are heard and I understand. 

I have wondered if it’s the menopause. And I do know I may have the odd super angry day that’s so angry it’s unreal. And I do get quite hot now and again. But that’s it. I think the main factor for me that points away from that is I’ve always had depressive episodes from around 16. It always tears its ugly head at some point. But I would always reach such a low point I’d mentally give myself a slap and tell myself to get a grip and to sort it out. And I’d have the motivation to try and work through until the next time. But that energy is gone, for the last year. I feel drained and like it’s just not worth trying anymore. Like I’ve given up and I’m sick and tired of the way the world is and even if I did pull myself back up I’ll just end up back down here again. I don’t have anything to look forward to. I don’t really go to the doctors either, and when I’ve tried I just can’t get an appointment anymore. 

Yes I think that’s what is happening and it started a year ago or more. That fight I’ve had on me that would try again and again, well it seems to have gone. Whether that’s because the older I get the more I learn it’s futile, or because the traits that I have from autism seem to be becoming stronger as I get older, or it’s the burn out from trying to be something I’m not, I don’t know.

I had something similar like your car. A while ago I bought a second hand car, at the time I didn’t realise it had to be recalled every year to get something changed, some fault. All of those cars had to go in every year. Well I ignored it, the letters telling me to go became redder and basically telling me if I didn’t go and get it done my car would overheat and I’d die. But I couldn’t go, the garage was no where near me. So I scrapped the car and bought something else. 

I hope you pass your mot though. At worst it’s something silly like a bulb :) 

I’m not sure if this is an issue for you or not - but I think the menopause is part of the reason why my difficulties with dealing with day to day life have increased. Or maybe it’s just that being older makes me feel more vulnerable. I don’t know. But I do relate very much to your comments.

No problem. It is incredibly difficult to keep track of the latest posts when a discussion is fast moving like this one.

You are not to blame and you are not a failure. Workplaces are not autism friendly environments and it is therefore not your fault that your career ambitions weren't realised. You were always going to be fighting against the current as an autist, even if you could have had the benefit of knowing earlier in life and having reasonable accommodations.

I'm in my early 50s too and feel like I'm still trying to become an adult. It's a vicious circle because the more burnt out we get the less able we are to cope with anything.  

Travelling around Scotland in a campervan is one of my dreams too  I know what you mean about the worry about breaking down and I'd be the same. My MOT is due later this month and I'm so worried about it that I'm seriously thinking of scrapping the car if it doesn't pass. However my logical brain says that would be silly and would make me even more isolated and cut off from the world

What is your business? (If I may ask, so bluntly...) 

That’s because it’s online and written and I had time to think.

Trust me sister, just because we all  "have the time to think" here, doesn't mean that everyone is as wise as you and uses that time to ensure that grace ensues.  Again, I applaud your grace. 

I will go look for it, thank you Steven, not very good navigating the site.

It wasn't fair to you or others who might want serious discussion, Zoe. Besides, it's me who should solely apologise. Please, please don't feel that you did anything wrong at all; *I* did.

I really am sorry. I should have just ignored it. I feel like I’ve ruined part of your day. I should have just let you carry on. 

I’m sorry you feel like this too. There’s something I wanted to say in my original post but I didn’t because another member has mentioned their mother saying it before, and it felt like I shouldn’t say it. But, I just want it to stop. I imagine you feel the same. 

Incidentally:

Sorry, Pikl - in view of my derailing of the thread, I sent you a Friends Request and somehow stupidly didn't notice that you aren't accepting them. 

That’s because it’s online and written and I had time to think. I very nearly worded it differently but what I did actually post was a reflection on how I actually feel, rather than the angry abrupt response I would have done in real life. And then shook and felt terrible for the rest of the day. 

Sorry, I didn’t see your comment below, I think it was highlighted when I was seeing a highlighted reply above, then the blue lines disappeared. I didn’t read it as being insensitive. Yesif ever I’m financially stable again I will look at noise cancelling earbuds. I also have issue though with wearing inner ear things as my ears get hot inside. But equally I can’t cope with over ear as I don’t like the feeling. 

The noise although is contributing isn’t the sole reason. It’s just life, it’s too much and relentless. I feel I’m partly to blame. Maybe if I wasn’t such a failure I could have made a good career and be in a financial situation where I could think about retiring early and be able to afford my own little field and hut. Or at least a small camper van and drive around the beautiful scenery in Scotland pulling up on a quiet track and staying there a few days before moving on. But even if I had the money that wouldn’t happen as I get lost, and don’t like going outside of my home town and the edge of the towns either side. And then I’d constantly worry about breaking down. 

Im 50 and still can’t cope with being an adult. And the older i get he harder it all feels. 

Im sure I’ll be okay again soon. Until next time. I’m now incredibly conscious of being miserable and people not liking being around that. It’s draining for people to be around misery I know. 

I feel very like this too. Today I just feel like giving up. I’m just so tired of all of it.