Published on 12, July, 2020
Mentally, physically and it just gets worse as life goes on. I’ve had a crap day, cried a lot, I’m exhausted. More and more I seem to shout ‘it’s always something!’. Because it is, just when you think you’ve got everything out of the way something new pops up, something breaks, forgot to pay for something, appt coming up you don’t want to go to, something wrong with health, just bl&£dy something all of the time. Just when you think it’s actually quiet, some idiot will start being loud in their garden, some neighbours will make noise for days on end, someone will start road works, something will be wrong with the car. Exhaustion. I want, need a simpler life. But it’s never going to happen. Even those very small fleeting moments of finding something funny or saying something funny seem so false. I’m so tired and everything seems so pointless.
Thanks for replying everyone. I wear loop earplugs a lot and they do help. But I also begrudge having to wear them as much as I do. Sometimes I want to listen to youtube to learn something about my earphones mean I can still hear external noises, and then that’s all I can zone in on so end up getting annoyed because I can’t listen to what I wanted to. And the external noise is just a part of everything at the moment. It’s life being too much and demanding too much from me.
I wish I could pause everything and go and sit in a hut in a middle of a field and not have to deal with everything. Without the worry that when I came back it had all built up and I had even more to deal with.
Can you not go and sit in a hut in the middle of a field?
I don’t know where there are any huts in the middle of a field where I’d be left alone, that wasn’t owned by an angry farmer.
I have wondered if it’s the menopause. And I do know I may have the odd super angry day that’s so angry it’s unreal. And I do get quite hot now and again. But that’s it. I think the main factor for me that points away from that is I’ve always had depressive episodes from around 16. It always tears its ugly head at some point. But I would always reach such a low point I’d mentally give myself a slap and tell myself to get a grip and to sort it out. And I’d have the motivation to try and work through until the next time. But that energy is gone, for the last year. I feel drained and like it’s just not worth trying anymore. Like I’ve given up and I’m sick and tired of the way the world is and even if I did pull myself back up I’ll just end up back down here again. I don’t have anything to look forward to. I don’t really go to the doctors either, and when I’ve tried I just can’t get an appointment anymore.
Yes I think that’s what is happening and it started a year ago or more. That fight I’ve had on me that would try again and again, well it seems to have gone. Whether that’s because the older I get the more I learn it’s futile, or because the traits that I have from autism seem to be becoming stronger as I get older, or it’s the burn out from trying to be something I’m not, I don’t know.
I had something similar like your car. A while ago I bought a second hand car, at the time I didn’t realise it had to be recalled every year to get something changed, some fault. All of those cars had to go in every year. Well I ignored it, the letters telling me to go became redder and basically telling me if I didn’t go and get it done my car would overheat and I’d die. But I couldn’t go, the garage was no where near me. So I scrapped the car and bought something else.
I hope you pass your mot though. At worst it’s something silly like a bulb :)