Published on 12, July, 2020
Mentally, physically and it just gets worse as life goes on. I’ve had a crap day, cried a lot, I’m exhausted. More and more I seem to shout ‘it’s always something!’. Because it is, just when you think you’ve got everything out of the way something new pops up, something breaks, forgot to pay for something, appt coming up you don’t want to go to, something wrong with health, just bl&£dy something all of the time. Just when you think it’s actually quiet, some idiot will start being loud in their garden, some neighbours will make noise for days on end, someone will start road works, something will be wrong with the car. Exhaustion. I want, need a simpler life. But it’s never going to happen. Even those very small fleeting moments of finding something funny or saying something funny seem so false. I’m so tired and everything seems so pointless.
This is an article I bookmarked some years ago.
https://www.theguardian.com/social-care-network/social-life-blog/2015/sep/16/autism-as-an-adult-on-the-many-days-i-spend-alone-i-forget-how-to-talk
It pretty much sums up the stark reality of life as a later diagnosed autistic adult.
"The assumption that we must have worked it out by now if we’re still walking, talking and have a pulse can hide a grim reality of difficult, isolated and unfulfilled lives. Over time I’ve learned the hard way how to present well in public but behind closed doors it’s a different matter. I live in a house where the lights, fridge, cooker and washing machine have packed up one by one but I lack the skills to sort it out, and I’d rather live in darkness than have someone I don’t know in my personal space. I may be a graduate with a high IQ but I struggle financially due to a lifetime of subsisting on a single, small part-time income. I lack close family or friends to support me and on the many days I spend alone I am liable to forget how to talk. Sometimes someone just giving me a reality check of the “have you eaten today?” kind would be useful."