Published on 12, July, 2020
...of being autistic.
Just finished a short online meeting, where I didn't have to do much except say one thing for AOB at the end. Thankfully meetings are rare in my job, just every couple of months. But by the end of this thing, I was so tense in my core that I had to lie on my bed for five minutes to relieve the intense pain. Never sure if the online ones are better or worse than in person. Maybe better. I don't have to repress a stim, it's out of frame!
Wow, that’s so well written - a baffling kind of self-defeating disruption of the straightforward that I also routinely fall into in between the bookends of ‘ok, just stick to the obvious protocol’ and ‘well, you’ve done it again’. So perplexing yet seemingly so inevitable. I often end up making service providers on the phone laugh with my falling over myself to apologise for umpteen things I’m stumbling through, and saying ‘but you don’t need my whole life story’ (while thinking ‘so why did I give it then?’), and they’re kind about it and maybe it made a boring day a little different gif them but it’s still exhausting and cringey for me. Strange. But I do know exactly what you mean. Being in that weird zone where you watch yourself from the sidelines be mildly eccentric, seemingly authentically so, powerless to interject with something like uour calmed self, when you know that after you’ll feel kind of disconnected from whoever that weirdo was.
I have this too, often in work, and it makes me feel like a hypocrite. Because if I start talking, the opposite end of autistic inertia kicks in - I just barrel along panicking internally at my inability to stop - and all the time I’m very aware that I could be doing the heads in of those within earshot and not directly being held hostage to the two-way chat. After I feel edgy and annoyed with myself, and want to apologise. And then guilt kicks in about my hypocrisy when someone else starts rambling. Especially if they (unlike me) has a tendency to fall sbout laughing loudly at everything that day like it’s the funniest thing that ever happened. Then, if someone starts whistling, so help me I’m one step away from doing a bad murder.
I'm doubly sure when someone does smalltalk with me such as cashier's, postman, random bystander and all I can do is say yes and no. Conversation ended in less than 30 secs. And I'm left with that "yep you're autistic mate". In my defence though smalltalk is a waste of good energy and valuable air
Is there a truly fundamental level of misunderstanding/misinterpretation? *Patented tedious example follows*
* An advice appointment was arranged for me.
* I understood beforehand that I would be able to ask for advice, and also discuss my issues at length even if this proved difficult and emotional for me & also time-consuming for the advisers.
* I spent the whole two-and-half-hours of the scheduled one-hour session talking almost non-stop, while constantly apologising for my behaviour.
Everyone, including me, knows the format of seeking and offering advice. It roughly goes like this: 1. I provide evidence of my issue(s); 2. in response, others provide opinions or take actions. This format isn't exactly difficult to understand, and we're all familiar with it.
The most important element of all this: I didn't realise, until hours and hours later, that my 'bad behaviour' provided clues to the people who'd learn from it in order to best help me. Considering I knew in advance the all-round purpose and probable nature of the session...how on earth did I *still* misunderstand or misinterpret its purpose and nature? How was it even possible for me to be so 'disconnected'?
And are these extreme misunderstandings due to autism? To my (admittedly uneducated) eye, it all looks worryingly extreme - after all, the words 'advice session' aren't nuanced or confusing...
:)
It reads like my usual silliness but these are actually my reasons (boring as they are):
* I bought cheap reading glasses, instead of being 'brave' and travelling for an eye test.
* I've the brightness on my tablet on zero.
* Reprise: those reading glasses cost me £1; it shows.
* Most seriously, I misinterpret numerous things, and the misinterpreted things then allow too many possible meanings.
That gave me the giggles! Thanks, I needed a laugh
When I saw the NAS website slogan, thought it read 'You are not a bone', and spent a few confused seconds wondering why the NAS were trying to reassure me about that. Or if it was an unusual way of reassuring me that I - and we - are much more than mere flesh and blood, more to them than mere case-studies.
Catlover said:I had one today when someone was talking and their voice was really loud and irritating to my ears. It’s all I could think about.
Today I had to put my fingers in my ears to drown somebody out. I was trying to speak to someone and this other person walked around the corner singing. Rather than stopping when they saw that we were talking, they carried on as they did stuff around us. It seemed to go on forever. I didn’t have my earbuds in at the time annoyingly as I might have stood more of a chance, but instead I just had to shove my fingers in my ears and try to block it out as best I could. I imagine I looked like a cross child being told off, but I just needed to preserve myself in the moment. Oddly, the person I was speaking to didn’t even bat an eyelid (metaphorically speaking of course, I wouldn’t have looked at their eyes to confirm this!) whilst this assault to the senses was occurring.
I found seeing myself as a tile on online meetings quite tricky. It was another set of eyes to avoid, only this time, they were mine and were looking away too. Really off putting all in all. I can totally relate to the ‘bobbling around’ aspect to your comment. Also, they way that these online platforms prioritise sound is a tricky aspect to manage and navigate too. Lots of sudden and intense noises from seemingly out of nowhere.
I get those moments all the time when I know I am autistic.
I had one today when someone was talking and their voice was really loud and irritating to my ears. It’s all I could think about.
Another when I’ve been greeted by someone, and I reply with a jumble of words.
Then worrying about possible diversions while having to drive across town for something, because I can get lost easily.
Stressing out about some important choices I need to make, but because I can’t make decisions quickly I’m getting increasingly overwhelmed and am really, really tired. The stress is giving me insomnia, which adds to the tiredness, and I’ve started to grind my teeth at night, so I’m sore most days (leading me to go to the dentist and get a mouth guard made).
I also have loads to do, but am procrastinating. Heavily.
More like 'impossible'!
In one way it helps. Because I’m those moments I’m certain that I don’t want to be one of the high ups, and could never do what they do. I can’t even take in the words I’m so overwhelmed by 9 leering faces, one my idiotic own bobbling around in front of me like celebrity squares
Your behaviour is impeccable!
Don’t worry you’re always very thoughtful. But I know the feeling The paradox of self doubt and low self esteeem and feeling comparatively inadequate is that we get very self focussed even in what we say conversationally. The point is to flag up self awareness of our flaws (as we see them) but then after it feels like things were improperly balanced and things like ‘how’s your mum doing?’ got overlooked or time ran out.
Replace awful with great and used to with nothing, and that’s me
It was tiresome, to say the least.
My crippling self doubt when it come to so-called interaction is quite the indicator to me sometimes. I’d love the confidence to just take an interaction at surface level without dissecting it and overthinking later on. I’d also like to understand social interaction a lot more than I often do too. It’s all just so confusing at times.
Today my friend and colleague asked if we could hang out at some point. We have come up with a plan, but hours later I am now pacing back and forth thinking that I must have upset them or left them feeling like I wasn’t interested in our friendship anymore due to them directly asking to make time for us to socialise, which is something they’ve never done before. I could take it as a nice thing, but instead, I have to over analyse everything.
I had a meeting yesterday and can relate to what you’ve described above. Today has felt very different on the back of the extra drain that yesterday was responsible for. I hope you’re feeling a little better now anyway.
In my really awful further education library job, I used to fantasise about having a bed in the office as I used to get so drained.
Sometimes I respond with a "mmmm" or "hmmmm" as acknowledgment but have since discovered this can be far too quiet and the other person thinks I'm ignoring them. It happened today. Then follows...pause, Step 2 processing "that was probably quiet, I don't think they heard me". Pause. Step 3 ask follow up question to acknowledge instead. Because far too much time has now passed to go "ooh i know!" Step 4 ensuing short conversation adds to overflowing bucket.
Step 5 later along the line, shutdown.