Published on 12, July, 2020
...of being autistic.
Just finished a short online meeting, where I didn't have to do much except say one thing for AOB at the end. Thankfully meetings are rare in my job, just every couple of months. But by the end of this thing, I was so tense in my core that I had to lie on my bed for five minutes to relieve the intense pain. Never sure if the online ones are better or worse than in person. Maybe better. I don't have to repress a stim, it's out of frame!
My crippling self doubt when it come to so-called interaction is quite the indicator to me sometimes. I’d love the confidence to just take an interaction at surface level without dissecting it and overthinking later on. I’d also like to understand social interaction a lot more than I often do too. It’s all just so confusing at times.
Today my friend and colleague asked if we could hang out at some point. We have come up with a plan, but hours later I am now pacing back and forth thinking that I must have upset them or left them feeling like I wasn’t interested in our friendship anymore due to them directly asking to make time for us to socialise, which is something they’ve never done before. I could take it as a nice thing, but instead, I have to over analyse everything.
I had a meeting yesterday and can relate to what you’ve described above. Today has felt very different on the back of the extra drain that yesterday was responsible for. I hope you’re feeling a little better now anyway.
In one way it helps. Because I’m those moments I’m certain that I don’t want to be one of the high ups, and could never do what they do. I can’t even take in the words I’m so overwhelmed by 9 leering faces, one my idiotic own bobbling around in front of me like celebrity squares
I found seeing myself as a tile on online meetings quite tricky. It was another set of eyes to avoid, only this time, they were mine and were looking away too. Really off putting all in all. I can totally relate to the ‘bobbling around’ aspect to your comment. Also, they way that these online platforms prioritise sound is a tricky aspect to manage and navigate too. Lots of sudden and intense noises from seemingly out of nowhere.