Published on 12, July, 2020
...of being autistic.
Just finished a short online meeting, where I didn't have to do much except say one thing for AOB at the end. Thankfully meetings are rare in my job, just every couple of months. But by the end of this thing, I was so tense in my core that I had to lie on my bed for five minutes to relieve the intense pain. Never sure if the online ones are better or worse than in person. Maybe better. I don't have to repress a stim, it's out of frame!
I hope you're ok now.
I get those feelings of intense pressure, it can be so debilitating and exhausting. Rest was defos a good move.
At the Nursery today I got in a similar state and had to go early, got home and led down straight away, massive headache has followed.
X
It seems a cop-out to blame autism for some of my behaviours but your post made me realise that *I didn't ask how Shard was* even though he'd posted about it above. I truly dislike how wrapped-up I can be, all too often, in my own narrowed focus. And even now, I am writing about myself again. Is autism responsible for all of this, or have I just been alone for too long? I can't tell. If it was ego then I'd admit it and work on it; sadly though, it's not a matter of personal vanity but, instead, something else.
Sometimes I struggle to process everything going on and forget to do certain things, like asking after people, or replying to them.
It could be like that for you. When there's lots going on it can be hard to keep track of everything.
Sometimes I respond with a "mmmm" or "hmmmm" as acknowledgment but have since discovered this can be far too quiet and the other person thinks I'm ignoring them. It happened today. Then follows...pause, Step 2 processing "that was probably quiet, I don't think they heard me". Pause. Step 3 ask follow up question to acknowledge instead. Because far too much time has now passed to go "ooh i know!" Step 4 ensuing short conversation adds to overflowing bucket.
Step 5 later along the line, shutdown.