Published on 12, July, 2020
...of being autistic.
Just finished a short online meeting, where I didn't have to do much except say one thing for AOB at the end. Thankfully meetings are rare in my job, just every couple of months. But by the end of this thing, I was so tense in my core that I had to lie on my bed for five minutes to relieve the intense pain. Never sure if the online ones are better or worse than in person. Maybe better. I don't have to repress a stim, it's out of frame!
I hope you're ok now.
I get those feelings of intense pressure, it can be so debilitating and exhausting. Rest was defos a good move.
At the Nursery today I got in a similar state and had to go early, got home and led down straight away, massive headache has followed.
X
It seems a cop-out to blame autism for some of my behaviours but your post made me realise that *I didn't ask how Shard was* even though he'd posted about it above. I truly dislike how wrapped-up I can be, all too often, in my own narrowed focus. And even now, I am writing about myself again. Is autism responsible for all of this, or have I just been alone for too long? I can't tell. If it was ego then I'd admit it and work on it; sadly though, it's not a matter of personal vanity but, instead, something else.
Don’t worry you’re always very thoughtful. But I know the feeling The paradox of self doubt and low self esteeem and feeling comparatively inadequate is that we get very self focussed even in what we say conversationally. The point is to flag up self awareness of our flaws (as we see them) but then after it feels like things were improperly balanced and things like ‘how’s your mum doing?’ got overlooked or time ran out.