Published on 12, July, 2020
...of being autistic.
Just finished a short online meeting, where I didn't have to do much except say one thing for AOB at the end. Thankfully meetings are rare in my job, just every couple of months. But by the end of this thing, I was so tense in my core that I had to lie on my bed for five minutes to relieve the intense pain. Never sure if the online ones are better or worse than in person. Maybe better. I don't have to repress a stim, it's out of frame!
I get those moments all the time when I know I am autistic.
I had one today when someone was talking and their voice was really loud and irritating to my ears. It’s all I could think about.
Another when I’ve been greeted by someone, and I reply with a jumble of words.
Then worrying about possible diversions while having to drive across town for something, because I can get lost easily.
Stressing out about some important choices I need to make, but because I can’t make decisions quickly I’m getting increasingly overwhelmed and am really, really tired. The stress is giving me insomnia, which adds to the tiredness, and I’ve started to grind my teeth at night, so I’m sore most days (leading me to go to the dentist and get a mouth guard made).
I also have loads to do, but am procrastinating. Heavily.
Catlover said:I had one today when someone was talking and their voice was really loud and irritating to my ears. It’s all I could think about.
Today I had to put my fingers in my ears to drown somebody out. I was trying to speak to someone and this other person walked around the corner singing. Rather than stopping when they saw that we were talking, they carried on as they did stuff around us. It seemed to go on forever. I didn’t have my earbuds in at the time annoyingly as I might have stood more of a chance, but instead I just had to shove my fingers in my ears and try to block it out as best I could. I imagine I looked like a cross child being told off, but I just needed to preserve myself in the moment. Oddly, the person I was speaking to didn’t even bat an eyelid (metaphorically speaking of course, I wouldn’t have looked at their eyes to confirm this!) whilst this assault to the senses was occurring.