Am I alone in being alone? It feels that way even on here

Your post reads like something I would have written. Yes, I’m single. Have been for ages. Never really been good at that stuff.

Thank you!

Regarding friendships, I've noticed that almost all my 'real life' friends are people who sought out my friendship, rather than people I tried (and failed) to befriend.  But my closest friends tend to be online friends, mostly other mental health bloggers.  I think shared experiences, even negative ones, can bond people, and I find it easier to connect with people who can cope with talking about negative life experiences.

The problem is the State seeking control of the Economy. *** and Communists shared that same objective. 

Plus, American Exceptionalism sought cultural hegemony. We won the battles eighty years ago, but lost the war. 

This is so lovely to read Luftmentsch - I think how you met your fiancé is an incredibly romantic story!  I love that this has happened to you! Funnily enough my husband’s brother (who has a fair few autistic traits I think) was single until he was about 35 - and then met a lovely woman who was leaving a very unhappy relationship. She had two children and so he went from thinking he would never meet anyone to suddenly having a whole family! They are still very happily married and now have grandchildren! So you never know how life will pan out. And of course some people are very happy NOT marrying etc - it’s all so personal. But it’s never too late for things to change - if you want them to that is. 

I think there’s more to life than just romantic relationships too. It’s never too late for friendship either. I wish there were more ways for autistic people to meet up and make friends. I feel we naturally connect well together - and I think we’re great at online friendships too. I can’t believe how friendly everyone is on here - and so kind and supportive - much more so than my experience with non-autistic people :) 

That’s kind of you, and I appreciate you relating your experience and wish you well. But i seem to have inadvertently created the opposite impression than I’d intended: I’m not desperate to be in any relationship just to have one. So I’m not ‘waiting’ - there’s therefore nothing to speed along, to be ‘fixed’. I guess I’m what I believe is labelled ‘quirkyAlone’ - someone who if they fall in love by chance and have the miracle of reciprocation occur (the reciprocation thing has happened once but things got complicated in ways I still don’t fully understand and the hurt runs very deep, especially as a profound love from afar remains privately intact on my side and always will) would be up for that as a ‘living apart together’ sort of deal, but who isn’t on some mission to engineer anything and would rather remain alone in authenticity than united in a contrived methadone replacement union of mutual desperation to fit some societal ultra-orthodox norms. 

For me, this is more about seeing how rare or otherwise I might be even in this community. Of the gratefully received 15 responses so far, 7 (47%) are overt confirmations of being long term single. Out of respect/sensitivity to Firemonkey’s Specific situation, I have not included theirs as an eighth. So maybe that statistic I read was not so far off the mark. Though I suppose this small sample could be skewed by the topic drawing more single than coupled-up individuals into wanting to say something. But it’s something helpful in itself, and I’m grateful. 

I was single (and VERY depressed about it) for most of my adult life.  I completely gave up on the thought of being in a lasting relationship, but then last year I got engaged.  If you ask me how it came about, I would say "Divine Providence."  If you don't believe in God, you might call it luck, chance, fluke, etc.  My fiancee, reached out to me on my blog (not in a romantic way) and we eventually started dating long-distance.  Even so, it took us three attempts to get the relationship right and I'm a bit nervous about how marriage will work.  I think the first year or two will be a steep learning curve for both of us.

My fiancee is not diagnosed autistic, but she has a lot of autistic symptoms and, given the under-diagnosis of autistic women, we both wonder if she's actually on the spectrum, at least mildly.  I think that makes things easier for us e.g. neither of us is good at small talk and we're both happy to sit together in silence or read without feeling obliged to say anything.  We've both had similar mental health conditions too; I joke about us having "his and hers matching diagnoses" which is difficult in many ways, but it does mean we understand each other in a way that neither of us experienced earlier in our lives, not even with our parents.  (I notice a lot of the people on this thread who do have partners have ended up with someone else on the spectrum.)

For what it's worth, I've spent my life in the Orthodox Jewish community, where dating usually happens through formal or informal matchmaking, but almost no one ever tried to set me up with anyone, and on the two or three occasions it did happen, it never lasted more than one or two dates.  I never found out if people didn't set me up with women because I was too weird-seeming, because I didn't fit easily in the "boxes" the Orthodox world tries to put people into or because I was too quiet even to be noticed -- all three being products of my autism.

I would say not to despair about this, as things can change, but I do think there's very little anyone can do practically to speed that along.

I will be 30 in few year time which is scary because it mean I'm getting older but more scary because I am still single and I fear I always will be. 

You are certainly not on your own with this. I think many of us remain single. 

I wish you luck for the future.

I was single until mid thirties and lived alone after I moved out from parents. I did find it hard. I then met my husband. Without him I would find it hard.

You are right to highlight curious inconsistencies. But over time austic people seem to be able to fall into NT settings at random.

Life already is contrasted by manifold contradictions as they exist in nature. For instance at the north pole a compass tries to inform that the explorer is nowhere I.E the needle won't settle. When on the exact spot one is not even 'North' anymore, since no meaning remains for going north by the time an over the maximum state of travel to it has happened. That place has as much status in terms of potential to be south - east and - west as it has for north by the time someone stands within such a void of directional meaning.. The term used to cover this eventuality is Abstraction, and its causation is linked to going beyond the realms of that  which the sphere shape can offer with regard to consistency as a physically measurable thing. In other words although a whole can be known, there is an aspect to it that cannot. Another interpretation is that as there is a 'typical' demarcation (NT), then anyone atypical is a contradiction from the word go by that comparison since autistic people fall outside of the NT realm and become an abstraction by comparison - Autism = Abstraction when measured against NT. So contradictions can seem exist quite happily around autistic people & they might well align, or seem conducive to NT states of being, since contradiction is a natural phenomenon at the bottom line. For example what is not an abstraction - say if my autistic asked the NT at large et al - why did they implement a trading bloc treaty, hidden inside of a security treaty ( brussels pact 1948 ) with those who's committed a holocaust a few years earlier ?  In that instance we'd not be dealing with a contradiction but violation of logic. But there is an abstraction concerning 'They' - I.E who were they who signed that treaty. It wasn't the NT 'people' en masse - it was apparently just a few NT representatives of the people. However such a thing isn't conducive to neurotypicality & finally we do find an abstraction once we've subtracted NT from a state of people who are neither autistic not NT.  So what sort of contradiction is that ? I'm not sure as i'd not sign such a treaty with people who'd overseen a human holocaust. How they committed to such a contradiction can only be explained as it being part of the human condition, & nature ( or a God where preferred ) designed that condition = Nature. A human cannot think anything up without that ability to do so being by that cause. Why didn't the masses stop them - they didn't & its another contradiction. What about Putin ? - in his case there has been a sudden reality check concerning it is not ok to trade with genocidists But trading with such people has happened since 1948. ( i've only chosen big stuff to expose contraction in its wider context- no other reason )

Thus contradiction is everywhere actually and is far more a part of the human experience than it might seem. 

Yes, I always was single.

Oh wait, you mean ‘might’ as in ‘May’ (a hypothetical that didn’t come to pass?) so you’ve always been single? Sorry to push on this, but the less ambiguity in individual responses the more it helps me work out the percentages. 

Are you still in that relationship now, Desmond? Im guessing no, but mustn’t assume 

Shardovan said:

constantly reacting in puzzlement

I was in one only boyriend-girlfriend relationship for 10 year, puzzled all the time, but by the question 'Why I can't make it work?'. It was before I was diagnosed.

I made 2 friends before and 1 after diagnosed, and that's  about limit for me.

I suppose that specifically is not contradictory to be being autistic, but different for each of us. More like NTs, unlike other traits. So I'm not sure if I would clasify desire for loneliness as autistic trait. Inability to avoid it, yes, is definitely autistic.

Sometimes, we're supposed to be alone. Hopes for a relationship depend on finding a Soulmate, who's on your wavelength.

My Gran demanded that I marry either a Teacher or Nurse - to keep up with her Sister - so, I ended up a codependent Sucky-Baby. However, I'm learning to do things, now, before it's too late.

I might have ended up with a snobby control-freak; akin to my Aunt-in-Law. However, I'm listening to my LP copy of Loveless; by My Bloody Valentine. Everything's fine, now.

i have no partner, i only have my parents who i still live with.

but im buying my own flat now as i got a job and am working on sorting my life out and got work mates now which made a massive improvement i guess. but i doubt id ever have anyone and i still get depressed at home from being alone and i guess that part of us in our mind, that natural human instinct that drives you to wanting a relationship/partner is what causes distress at being alone, if we could surgically remove that part of our brain that pushes us into needing a relationship then perhaps wed be alot happier.

it feels sad and you just want a person to hug and be comforted by but yet no one will be there for you ever. and being hugged or touched at this point is so rare that it feels weird, i gave a homeless person £20 and they hugged me randomly after it, felt weird, guy at work also was too touchy and immediately made me sorta defensive. just not used to being touched in any way i guess due to lack of any friends or partners. just end up being sad listening to depressing songs while curling up hugging a pillow.

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I have further thoughts and thanks to express to individual posters when I can find the mental and emotional reserves needed (in a day or two hopefully) so I don’t mean to be cursory  in this reply which doesn’t adequately express my gratitude for the perspectives offered and kind things said. Hope you all have a nice weekend 

I remember well the feeling of loneliness and confusion about how other people ‘made’ relationships. I think some of us just ‘get lucky’ and stumble across another autistic person and just ‘click’. I was lucky in this way and I don’t think I would have survived if I hadn’t. It’s been hard enough coping WITH the support of my husband - without him I think it would all be too much. 
I know this sounds grim but I’ve had such a rough few months and it would have been impossible to get through without my family. Genuinely impossible.

I think autistic people need more ways to connect with each other - not just romantically but for friendships too. 
Not that relationships between 2 autistic people are perfect - they’re not. Myself and my husband both have some similar ‘deficits’ - such as organisational skills, or having a career and decent income etc. 

life has often been a struggle. We have had wonderful times too though. That’s life I suppose. 

I'm the same as you - single. I have tried dating but it was a total complete disaster from start to finish. I either backed out of the dates or when I was there had nothing to say, couldn't make conversation and I almost never made eye contact and then I wouldn't kiss or let people touch me.

Not a surprise that it never worked out.

I do long for a relationship and then children someday but I seriously doubt it. 

I'm not good with people or relationships. 

And time is going by slowly but quick enough.

I'm 25 soon and it feels like I'll never get the hang of people and be comfortable in being touched or making conversation.

I have only had one relationship and that is with my husband. We met because I put an advertisement in the local paper (pre internet) looking for friendship (I was going through a very lonely spell at the time). He is very NT but also unusual in that he had no friends and is reserved and quiet and this suited me perfectly. It was a one in a million chance to meet him and I am under no illusion that if I hadn't I would be in exactly the same position as you, Shardovan.

We've been together 25 years and I still wonder why he's with me - I have no confidence that I'm worth the effort. I am inflexible, non tactile, unable to show or even identify emotion (even love in a recognisable way) and often distracted and withdrawn. I hide from social situations and am the opposite of spontaneous. He is the opposite of me in all these ways and it does cause challenges.

So what may appear as perfect on the surface is rarely the case. Often we just muddle through. Just because you are not in or have never been in a romantic relationship does not make you less of a wonderful person. You are kind, thoughtful and worthy just as you are.

It is a shame that society seems to place such emphasis on our self worth being linked to being with someone else, as if that's a measure of our right to belong to the human race. And as for statistics and percentages, I tend not to bother with them, its just another way to divide people.

Shardovan said:

How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation? 

I sometimes wonder that too! So you're not alone, in being alone (?) . I can only assume it's very complicated. There can be many factors that help and limit people in forming relationships, not just social aptitude, and like you say, sometimes we only see what's going on on the surface. They may well be constantly in puzzlement underneath! I think learning to mask probably helps, but can also cause a lot of secondary issues. 

I never know whether to completely trust statistics, as it really depends on the sample group, and with autistic people it's even harder to get an accurate picture, because we're all so different, and have a tendency to interpret questions in different ways.. It also depends on the age of participants, and when the study was conducted etc. If it helps though, I'm 36 and have always been alone (as in, never had a relationship, lived on my own since I was 19). It used to bother me but not any more. I find it hard to focus on more than one thing at a time, and I guess I've always had either my studies or my job to focus on. If I wanted a relationship, I feel like I'd have to focus on that exclusively, and I don't want one that much! I like my own company. It does weird me out sometimes when I hear how people manage to have a job AND a relationship AND kids AND still have time to do the housework and have their own interests - ??? Autistic or not, I have no idea how people manage that. But maybe I'm just so used to being on my own that there's the familiarity factor too.