Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be.
The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not.
When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.
So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on.
But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation?
I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here.
Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow - a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through.
If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).
My wife isn't autistic but she has some special needs, I think if I hadn't met someone else who wasn't "normal" Id never have found a relationship that worked.There's nothing wrong with being on your own though, I know lots of people who are single and happy
It is okay to be alone, I am very happy on my own.
This describes my exact experiences. I gave up 15 years ago, was always a disaster unless dates were 'activity' based for me/taking focus away from free flowing conversations.
I don't have a partner or any living direct family, and have suffered with mental health/depression due to long term solitude that I 'need', but don't really 'want'.
Recently Ive started using meetup, to join activity based groups, making me feel better. But doubt I'll ever date/be in a real relationship, unless by some miracle find someone similar who can accept my social awkwardness.
I'm single and live alone. I have a few groups that I go to regularly but no close friends. I have had relationships but I find the lack of alone time in them difficult to deal with unless we are living very separate lives. My last one broke up during the pandemic as I couldn't cope with him being around all the time.
I think I might quite enjoy being with someone who had other relationships besides me. That would also fix the sex problem as I could outsource that part to one of their other partners.
Thanks to everyone who has responded on here. That bump I gave the thread seems to have slightly tilted the ratio to, oddly enough, exactly 56% single as per the referred to statistic. Not very scientific in a way, as the sample is relatively small (though certainly makes me feel less anomalous, so thanks!) and I may have encouraged (without meaning to) more single voices thatn otherwise to speak up. But, for now, it's 56% and while a further reply or seven might change that (which is fine - it's truth I'm after, not comfort as such, nice as that can be) that's kind of cool.
For what it was worth, I think my "bespoke miracle of a partner/relationship" is just that. I have a blog about my experience of mental illness and autism in the Jewish community. One day my now-fiancee (I'll call her E) emailed me on the email there to say how much of what I write resonated with her. We emailed as friends as a while and it went from there. I think it worked in a way that previous attempts at dating (mostly online dating) hadn't worked for me partly because it started with written communication, which I manage better than spoken; partly because E knew about all my 'issues' from reading my blog; partly because E has similar issues (she's not diagnosed on the spectrum, and we aren't sure if we should try to get her diagnosed, but if she's not autistic, then she's the most autistic-seeming NT imaginable).
Even then, it was not plain sailing. We've known each other for four years, and our current attempt at dating (since last spring) is our third attempt at making this work. Two autistic-type people with mental health issues together in a relationship brings a lot of difficulties. We've had to work really hard at this.
I hadn't particularly noticed so many partnered people on here. I wonder how much is confirmation bias? When I was single and lonely, I felt that the world was full of loved-up couples, because that was what I noticed precisely because it upset me. Now I'm arranging my own marriage and wondering if I have what it takes to make a living-together relationship work long-term, suddenly the world seems full of failed and failing relationships. But that's just what I'm noticing. It's my brain looking for evidence to prove its worst fears.
Absolutely! I feel waaaay more lonely when I'm trying to fit in and I have always found relationships stressful like a test that I'm trying to pass! My ideal situation would be living with a friend that just gets me - probably why I love watching Friends with joey and chandler and old episodes of the golden girls
Thanks! That makes so much sense to me. Apparently the majority would rather feel trapped than be alone though. It puzzles me a lot. Either find something amazing enough (like its that easy!) to last or just be alone but uncompromised in what youd want. But the majority seem to be in ‘mustn’t stand out!’ mode to such s crippling degree that theyd rather blend into ultra conformity with a panicked ‘they’ll do!’ for as long as they and their SO can endure it.
Your definitely not alone in feeling like this. I've never had a relationship or a friend come to that. I finished school recently and during my time there I never had one friend. I was alone all the time and no one wanted me around.
We aliens are all in this together :)
I spent my teens and twenties alone, didn't have a clue about women, not that I know much now. I made it my mission to learn atleast enough to get a girlfriend. I learnt that I was thinking too deeply about the whole thing as normal. I always thought you had to meet somebody and have massive chemistry and attraction, not the case, human race would have died out years ago otherwise. Many NT people are not that fussy and end up with a lot more screwed up people than those with ASD! In my early 30's I had a 3 year relationship that fizzled out then met my wife , married at 36 and still together at 52. I think ASD people may stay in relationships maybe longer than NT people? I certianlally have, our marrage is far from perfect, but the thought of starting again, finding somewhere to live etc is more important and outwieghs our problems.
It occurred to me a few weeks back that I've actually spent most of my adult life not being in a relationship, which I found rather depressing. The most successful relationship I was fortunate enough to have was with an NT male that lasted all of about 18 months, and that was back when I was in my mid-twenties. After a somewhat brief and Hellish relationship had ended back in 2010, I had been quite content being blissfully single and had switched my mind off to the notion of dating and relationships until I'd befriended my former person... and what an epic fail that turned out to be!
I was in a 16 year relationship but now single with no family and in my 40s feeling pretty invisible. Sometime I think it's a bad thing but most of my NT friends are extremely unhappy in their relationships and are settling because they don't want to be alone. I'd rather be alone than feel trapped
Just feeling compelled to give this one a bump again, to widen the sample. While it's been lovely to see more new people join the forum in recent days/weeks since first ruminating on this, I can't help noticing how often 'partner', 'spouse', and similar comes up with each new person- again knocking my confidence a bit in the stat mentioned above, and starting to make me feel once again like an outsider even among outsiders. Any fellow 'parties of one' who are comfortable saying so, please help me feel less like a weird alien of some kind! I'm especially perplexed by how many people who confirm that they struggle socially, need lots of space and solitude etc. nonetheless all seemed to individually acquire, quite organically, their own bespoke miracle of a partner/relationship just coming into existence.
Again, this isn't about wanting/chasing that, it's about trying to back up the alleged numbers/ratio despite feeling like this forum somehow skews the other way. It's confusing, and unsettling!
Your post reads like something I would have written. Yes, I’m single. Have been for ages. Never really been good at that stuff.
Thank you!
Regarding friendships, I've noticed that almost all my 'real life' friends are people who sought out my friendship, rather than people I tried (and failed) to befriend. But my closest friends tend to be online friends, mostly other mental health bloggers. I think shared experiences, even negative ones, can bond people, and I find it easier to connect with people who can cope with talking about negative life experiences.
The problem is the State seeking control of the Economy. *** and Communists shared that same objective.
Plus, American Exceptionalism sought cultural hegemony. We won the battles eighty years ago, but lost the war.
This is so lovely to read Luftmentsch - I think how you met your fiancé is an incredibly romantic story! I love that this has happened to you! Funnily enough my husband’s brother (who has a fair few autistic traits I think) was single until he was about 35 - and then met a lovely woman who was leaving a very unhappy relationship. She had two children and so he went from thinking he would never meet anyone to suddenly having a whole family! They are still very happily married and now have grandchildren! So you never know how life will pan out. And of course some people are very happy NOT marrying etc - it’s all so personal. But it’s never too late for things to change - if you want them to that is.
I think there’s more to life than just romantic relationships too. It’s never too late for friendship either. I wish there were more ways for autistic people to meet up and make friends. I feel we naturally connect well together - and I think we’re great at online friendships too. I can’t believe how friendly everyone is on here - and so kind and supportive - much more so than my experience with non-autistic people :)
That’s kind of you, and I appreciate you relating your experience and wish you well. But i seem to have inadvertently created the opposite impression than I’d intended: I’m not desperate to be in any relationship just to have one. So I’m not ‘waiting’ - there’s therefore nothing to speed along, to be ‘fixed’. I guess I’m what I believe is labelled ‘quirkyAlone’ - someone who if they fall in love by chance and have the miracle of reciprocation occur (the reciprocation thing has happened once but things got complicated in ways I still don’t fully understand and the hurt runs very deep, especially as a profound love from afar remains privately intact on my side and always will) would be up for that as a ‘living apart together’ sort of deal, but who isn’t on some mission to engineer anything and would rather remain alone in authenticity than united in a contrived methadone replacement union of mutual desperation to fit some societal ultra-orthodox norms.
For me, this is more about seeing how rare or otherwise I might be even in this community. Of the gratefully received 15 responses so far, 7 (47%) are overt confirmations of being long term single. Out of respect/sensitivity to Firemonkey’s Specific situation, I have not included theirs as an eighth. So maybe that statistic I read was not so far off the mark. Though I suppose this small sample could be skewed by the topic drawing more single than coupled-up individuals into wanting to say something. But it’s something helpful in itself, and I’m grateful.
I was single (and VERY depressed about it) for most of my adult life. I completely gave up on the thought of being in a lasting relationship, but then last year I got engaged. If you ask me how it came about, I would say "Divine Providence." If you don't believe in God, you might call it luck, chance, fluke, etc. My fiancee, reached out to me on my blog (not in a romantic way) and we eventually started dating long-distance. Even so, it took us three attempts to get the relationship right and I'm a bit nervous about how marriage will work. I think the first year or two will be a steep learning curve for both of us.
My fiancee is not diagnosed autistic, but she has a lot of autistic symptoms and, given the under-diagnosis of autistic women, we both wonder if she's actually on the spectrum, at least mildly. I think that makes things easier for us e.g. neither of us is good at small talk and we're both happy to sit together in silence or read without feeling obliged to say anything. We've both had similar mental health conditions too; I joke about us having "his and hers matching diagnoses" which is difficult in many ways, but it does mean we understand each other in a way that neither of us experienced earlier in our lives, not even with our parents. (I notice a lot of the people on this thread who do have partners have ended up with someone else on the spectrum.)
For what it's worth, I've spent my life in the Orthodox Jewish community, where dating usually happens through formal or informal matchmaking, but almost no one ever tried to set me up with anyone, and on the two or three occasions it did happen, it never lasted more than one or two dates. I never found out if people didn't set me up with women because I was too weird-seeming, because I didn't fit easily in the "boxes" the Orthodox world tries to put people into or because I was too quiet even to be noticed -- all three being products of my autism.
I would say not to despair about this, as things can change, but I do think there's very little anyone can do practically to speed that along.
I will be 30 in few year time which is scary because it mean I'm getting older but more scary because I am still single and I fear I always will be.
You are certainly not on your own with this. I think many of us remain single.
I wish you luck for the future.