Am I alone in being alone? It feels that way even on here

Sorry for digging up an old thread but this is the single biggest issue I have with the forum. I have always been single despite wanting very much not to be and every time I see a post about how alone someone is or how difficult they find connecting to people then - as you say - casually reference their spouse and children, it's like a knife in my guts.

Every time I see one of those posts - and it is most days on here - I wonder if this forum is the right place for me, or if there is a right place for me anywhere.

When I've brought this up with therapists they say something really quite patronising and unhelpful " but you're nice", "i believe in you", "things will get better". But that's not my reality. And I hoped this forum might be a place where I felt solidarity with people experiencing the same problems, but instead it's a constant reminder that even here, I am just less.

That's how I think too, that relationships are something that other people do. Just because it is seen as a society norm doesn't mean that everyone has to. I hope you no longer think of yourself as a mutant 

The difficulties we face as autistic people are understandable. Even within the autistic community people have varying profiles and strengths. I think I am particularly low functioning verbally and socially, but not in some other ways. Many autistic people prefer being alone a lot of the time and I am one of those. I very rarely feel lonely. 

My diagnosis has helped me to look back and understand what went wrong. It is still hard not to think how differently things might have been if I'd known I was autistic at the time. I didn't understand anything about emotions, body language, eye contact, flirtation.... The list is endless. 

I approached the dates like they were job interviews and I was incredibly anxious. I had scripted questions I would ask and rehearsed answers to what I expected them to ask me. Once I'd been through the 'script' I didn't have a clue what to say or do next. I now understand that the scripting was a form of masking.  

Thanks for sharing, Luna. Life is hard there's no doubt about it, but you're right - this place offers a good bit of comfort and connection for all us 'outsiders even among outsiders' and your kindness in contributing with complete honesty is deeply appreciated. I hope karma brings some good friends into your life, and not 'just' online - you deserve it. I'm glad this community has helped you feel less alone.

A lot of that resonates quite strongly, Autonomistic! Though I didn't even have the bravery for some of the things you tried. Or the inclination really. It felt like one of those ';for other people' things, and not for mutants like me. Thanks for taking the time to be open about it all. REally appreciated, and certainly makes me feel less alone. 

Hi, we are much the same. I've never been in a relationship before I can't make a single friend let alone start dating somebody. It is lonely but I find comfort here talking to everyone and I'm hoping one day I'll get better control of the anxiety and be able to get out there and do more.

I have step mum and sister who are closer in my life now but sadly no friends or boyfriend at the moment.

I'm single and always have been. I consider myself eternally single and have accepted it.

In my 20s I wanted to be in a relationship. I thought it was something that was expected of me and back then I didn't know why I was so different to everyone else. I didn't have any friends (and still don't), so I didn't go to any social events where I might meet someone. I did go to some work social events but I hated every second and would get so anxious I could not speak, even with copious amounts of alcohol.

I tried newspaper dating ads (this was pre internet). I went on quite a few dates but I can only describe them as awkward. I did not meet anyone who I felt I could talk to or was attracted to. Most of the time I did not have anything to say, other than the things I had rehearsed in advance. I would decline any dates where any food was involved, due to longstanding issues with eating in front of others. The only type of date where I felt remotely comfortable was the cinema, as I didn't have to talk or attempt to make eye contact. I hate being touched and even having another person sat next to me in the cinema I found very difficult.

I decided that dating and relationships just wasn't for me and stopped trying around 25 years ago.

Being single does make life more difficult in a practical and financial sense. For instance I would like to travel more but the single supplements make it prohibitively expensive. When I do travel solo I feel that I stand out and attract the attention of well meaning fellow travellers, who invite me to join them at dinner etc. I go mute if people start asking me questions and I can't eat in front of other people. I end up spending far too much time in my room when travelling, to avoid such attention. If I was part of a couple it would be much easier to blend in and go unnoticed.

Hi Mariusz. May I follow up on this? Again, just trying to limit unintended ambiguities. When you say 'for ten years', do you mean that the relationship lasted for a decade? Or that in the past ten years you had one one brief relationship? The reason I ask is that you mentioned in another thread that you have had sex 'once' (as in on one occasion I think? Not 'once' as in 'a thing of the past') - I think it was you, apologies if I've misremembered- and while I appreciate that intimacy without sex in a meaningful relationship is entirely possible and healthy with the right people, I suppose it made me want to re-check what form your relationship took and if it did indeed last ten years. Hopefully I'm not sounding too intensely over-fixated here, I just find that unresolved ambiguities in real life (I enjoy them in fiction and art, sometimes a little less so in real life!) tend to consume me a fair bit, and this one came back into my head three months after you mentioned it.  Feel free to ignore if this just sounds nuts.

Every so often, I give this thread a bump in case further anecdotal contributions from anyone newer helps widen the sample into something increasingly more illuminating - and, hopefully ,consoling. I suppose I'm once again feeling a little anomalous too, as some IRL apparent fellow travellers turn out to be in relationships after all, or the usual media bomardment of 'you and your partner' presumed in every statement begins to wear me down into a state of feeling almost freakishly unique. I know I can't be, and this thread has helped. And may do so again, even if it's 'just' re-reading the contributions from a few months back.

I suppose I also keep hearing people on Aucademy etc. say 'my husband' or 'my kids' or whatever, and t makes me thaink taht autism is no 'excuse' as ultra-conformity seems widespread even among the neurodivergent - though presumably at least slightly less so. 

Sorry if this all sounds a bit rambly - trying to keep my mental health stable by reaching out in honesty rather than suffering in silence. 

My wife isn't autistic but she has some special needs, I think if I hadn't met someone else who wasn't "normal" Id never have found a relationship that worked.
There's nothing wrong with being on your own though, I know lots of people who are single and happy

This describes my exact experiences. I gave up 15 years ago, was always a disaster unless dates were 'activity' based for me/taking focus away from free flowing conversations.

I don't have a partner or any living direct family, and have suffered with mental health/depression due to long term  solitude that I 'need', but don't really 'want'. 

Recently Ive started using meetup, to join activity based groups, making me feel better.  But doubt I'll ever date/be in a real relationship, unless by some miracle find someone similar who can accept my social awkwardness.

I'm single and live alone. I have a few groups that I go to regularly but no close friends. I have had relationships but I find the lack of alone time in them difficult to deal with unless we are living very separate lives. My last one broke up during the pandemic as I couldn't cope with him being around all the time.

I think I might quite enjoy being with someone who had other relationships besides me. That would also fix the sex problem as I could outsource that part to one of their other partners.

Thanks to everyone who has responded on here. That bump I gave the thread seems to have slightly tilted the ratio to, oddly enough, exactly 56% single as per the referred to statistic. Not very scientific in a way, as the sample is relatively small (though certainly makes me feel less anomalous, so thanks!) and I may have encouraged (without meaning to) more single voices thatn otherwise to speak up. But, for now, it's 56% and while  a further reply or seven might change that (which is fine - it's truth I'm after, not comfort as such, nice as that can be) that's kind of cool.  

For what it was worth, I think my "bespoke miracle of a partner/relationship" is just that.  I have a blog about my experience of mental illness and autism in the Jewish community.  One day my now-fiancee (I'll call her E) emailed me on the email there to say how much of what I write resonated with her.  We emailed as friends as a while and it went from there.  I think it worked in a way that previous attempts at dating (mostly online dating) hadn't worked for me partly because it started with written communication, which I manage better than spoken; partly because E knew about all my 'issues' from reading my blog; partly because E has similar issues (she's not diagnosed on the spectrum, and we aren't sure if we should try to get her diagnosed, but if she's not autistic, then she's the most autistic-seeming NT imaginable).

Even then, it was not plain sailing.  We've known each other for four years, and our current attempt at dating (since last spring) is our third attempt at making this work.  Two autistic-type people with mental health issues together in a relationship brings a lot of difficulties.  We've had to work really hard at this.

I hadn't particularly noticed so many partnered people on here.  I wonder how much is confirmation bias?  When I was single and lonely, I felt that the world was full of loved-up couples, because that was what I noticed precisely because it upset me.  Now I'm arranging my own marriage and wondering if I have what it takes to make a living-together relationship work long-term, suddenly the world seems full of failed and failing relationships.  But that's just what I'm noticing.  It's my brain looking for evidence to prove its worst fears.

Absolutely! I feel waaaay more lonely when I'm trying to fit in and I have always found relationships stressful like a test that I'm trying to pass! My ideal situation would be living with a friend that just gets me - probably why I love watching Friends with joey and chandler and old episodes of the golden girls  

Thanks! That makes so much sense to me. Apparently the majority would rather feel trapped than be alone though. It puzzles me a lot. Either find something amazing enough (like its that easy!) to last or just be alone but uncompromised in what youd want. But the majority seem to be in ‘mustn’t stand out!’ mode to such s crippling degree that theyd rather blend into ultra conformity with a panicked ‘they’ll do!’ for as long as they and their SO can endure it. 

Your definitely not alone in feeling like this. I've never had a relationship or a friend come to that. I finished school recently and during my time there I never had one friend. I was alone all the time and no one wanted me around.

We aliens are all in this together :) 

I spent my teens and twenties alone, didn't have a clue about women, not that I know much now. I made it my mission to learn atleast enough to get a girlfriend. I learnt that I was thinking too deeply about the whole thing as normal. I always thought you had to meet somebody and have massive chemistry and attraction, not the case, human race would have died out years ago otherwise. Many NT people are not that fussy and end up with a lot more screwed up people than those with ASD! In my early 30's I had a 3 year relationship that fizzled out then met my wife , married at 36 and still together at 52. I think ASD people may stay in relationships maybe longer than NT people? I certianlally have, our marrage is far from perfect, but the thought of starting again, finding somewhere to live etc is more important and outwieghs our problems.

It occurred to me a few weeks back that I've actually spent most of my adult life not being in a relationship, which I found rather depressing. The most successful relationship I was fortunate enough to have was with an NT male that lasted all of about 18 months, and that was back when I was in my mid-twenties. After a somewhat brief and Hellish relationship had ended back in 2010, I had been quite content being blissfully single and had switched my mind off to the notion of dating and relationships until I'd befriended my former person... and what an epic fail that turned out to be! 

I was in a 16 year relationship but now single with no family and in my 40s feeling pretty invisible. Sometime I think it's a bad thing but most of my NT friends are extremely unhappy in their relationships and are settling because they don't want to be alone. I'd rather be alone than feel trapped

Just feeling compelled to give this one a bump again, to widen the sample. While it's been lovely to see more new people join the forum in recent days/weeks since first ruminating on this, I can't help noticing how often 'partner', 'spouse', and similar comes up with each new person- again knocking my confidence a bit in the stat mentioned above, and starting to make me feel once again like an outsider even among outsiders. Any fellow 'parties of one' who are comfortable saying so, please help me feel less like a weird alien of some kind! I'm especially perplexed by how many people who confirm that they struggle socially, need lots of space and solitude etc.  nonetheless all seemed to individually acquire, quite organically, their own bespoke miracle of a partner/relationship just coming into existence. 

Again, this isn't about wanting/chasing that, it's about trying to back up the alleged numbers/ratio despite feeling like this forum somehow skews the other way. It's confusing, and unsettling!