Am I alone in being alone? It feels that way even on here

Amerantin (former member) said:

Sorry for digging up an old thread but this is the single biggest issue I have with the forum.

I appreciate you reviving this older thread. Seeing my own words from over 2 years ago has jolted me out of deep hibernation. The reasons I have been absent lately are many and complicated but this is certainly one of them.

When I first joined here I naively expected that other late diagnosed adults would be just like me, friendless and eternally single. However, as you have found, we are in the minority even on here.

It's great that so many autistic people have been successful in finding friends and partners and I'm sure that did not come without a lot of personal struggles. 

Amerantin (former member) said:

And I hoped this forum might be a place where I felt solidarity with people experiencing the same problems, but instead it's a constant reminder that even here, I am just less.

What I struggle with is the expectation that everyone can be successful if only they were to try harder, learn social skills, get out more, get therapy, read a book, etc. That sort of attitude is precisely the kind of neuro-normative ableism that I come here to escape from. People should not end up feeling inadequate on here of all places.

Remember "different, not less".

I've spent most of my life feeling like I was at the end of every fucking queue. 

Money, women, popularity, happiness, acceptance, life experiences, EVERYTHING. 

For some strange reason however I'm not wired for "envy".

Instead of resenitng my position in life, and envying others, I resented my position and wondered what the hell they had that I did not! 

And more to the point, how could I get some...  

I'm almost glad that I did not know I was Autistic, as lacking that diagnosis and being unaware that I had hard limits that others do not, I was super motivated to get better at the things others seemed to do so easily.

Now someone asked me the other day if I felt that this forum has helped me, and to be honest, apart from giving me a better idea of why people react to me the way they do in the real world, (It's been liek having an imperfect but functional mirror for the first time in my life, I do not think it has. 

But having solved for myself (or at least found "work arounds") to some of the really upsetting issues that Autism seems to bestow, even though I still swing in an out of depression fairly regularly, I try to help others here with the things that have worked for me.

Apart from the Autism, I'm physically small, not good looking, "attractive" is the best feedback I've ever got, "money" really does elude me (although to be fair I'm sometimes not prepared to do the things that might ease my financial position) and I'm carrying a shedload of autism ADD PTSD type issues. 

But I am able to acquire and sustain a relationship, simply because I know how they work, and what I have to do, to play my part. In my case I had to learn it from a book in my twenties, and back that up with a lot of observation and practice of the required skills.

BUT. Am I happy? DID it solve my essential loneliness? Well, partly... 

The "thing" about us 'spergs partly seems to be that we really don't like "playnig games" (Except when we do, but that's not as often as the NT's manage, and usually badly learned behaviour from trying to interact with them, the majority, more sucessfully) 

So if the rest of the world runs on "playing games" and you personally have neither the inclination or the skills to "play games" then, my frneds, expect to be at the back of every fricking queue!! 

Worse, as many peoeple here report, who live with an N.T. when the original infatuation part of love wears off, and you fail to play enough of the right "games", you are in instant relationship trouble, right when you finally thought you had things sussed... Then if you can't play "relationship games", you are toast, In my limited experience. 

In the neuro typical world they say there's "someone for everyone" and "you can't hurry love" etc..

In the Autistic world unless you conciously acquire the neccesary knowledge based tools and use them effectively, there isn't a very big pool of "someone for you" AT ALL. 

In truth, learning to "Play Nice" does seem inauthentic, but in practice (after a lot of "practice"!) it starts to stick and become a part of who you are.

Now you might BE a real nice guy inside and your therapist can see that, but does your daily presentation reflect that? US Autists get an awful lot of criticism and by the time we hit adulthood all of us have HAD ENOUGH, so it's a big ask to expect people to see themsleves as presenting as "Not particularly nIce" especially after the abuse that most of us have suffered, and we alkl all hampered by teh mantra often repreated "it doesn;t matter what otehr peopel think" but it does. AND you can change how they think about you, simply by playing (and sometimes initiating) the right games. 

My approach won't solve all your problems, magically, but WILL give you more tools and options. 

Some of us have cats in our lives. Now unless you imprison your Cat, your cat always has the option of relocating if they don't like their situation, and they do.I've seen it. And to my great shame, experienced it with my first cat when after ten years I ended up in an impossible situation that meant I could not liv in my own house and could not take her with me. A situation that I tried to solve by getting her looked after by tenants whilst I tried for a better solution, whish wored well with my fiorst tenant, tbut she didn't like Ernie it turned out, and one night when I visited she refused to come to me, or seemingly recognicse me, and I never saw her again... The point being it that you have a RELATIONSHIP with a cat, and it kind of validates the supposition that you can have what it takes to have a relationship with a human, too. 

I hope there's some useful takeaway for someone in all these words I've just typed. 

I don' think you're lacking. Each of us has individual circumstances. There will be a reason you've found it harder to find romance than some people. Autistic people relate to one another better, perhaps, than to neurotypical people but we are still all quite unique. Some have great childhoods, others were abusive, some have known harsh poverty, others are rich, some have brain damage or physical illnesses, all families are different too, the area you've grown up in has an impact, even random things you wouldn't think of.

(raises hand) yes happily single. Making friends with oneself before attempting to do so with others is like putting your own oxygen mask on first. If you are friends with your self the self sabotage will end as you would then have your own back. Also once you are friends with your self it is an easy extension to be friends with others.

It was my social difficulties that led to my diagnosis. I thought if nothing else at least I’d found an explanation, but apparently not. Autism isn’t the explanation. I’m just lacking.

nah your not. i never had a relationship either and likely never will do.... infact i dont think i want one anymore... im 34... every woman my age has children and made terrible life choices, if a woman had a child and has been passed around does that woman truly understand love? would she truly love you or is she just going person to person not understanding love or feelings? .... i doubt the sincerity of the feelings of people who relationship hop so much or has had many relations or had kids...i doubt such a person truly loves. so i dont wanna get into relationships with such people as i doubt the sincerity of their feelings or their desire for the relationship.

and yes, therapists and councillors are not helpful anyway... my sister trained to be one and got a qualification... she isnt a good person to listen to as her life decisions are aweful and she only pursued that because she didnt want a real job, she saw it as a easy benefit style life, in the end she needed more qualifications for it which she couldnt get and she couldnt be arsed so stayed on benefits and is now lying about certain things to maximise and game the benefit system, things which kinda mock the trauma and experiences wed go through she is using now for free life and money.... but yeah, councillors are not good people in my eyes, they are just lazy people who didnt want real jobs and are not a good source of information or support as they have terrible personal lives themselves and their motives for going into that career are by in large based on them being lazy and not having their life together themselves... not a very good place to turn to help or advice for... this is why counselling doesnt work.

Sorry for digging up an old thread but this is the single biggest issue I have with the forum. I have always been single despite wanting very much not to be and every time I see a post about how alone someone is or how difficult they find connecting to people then - as you say - casually reference their spouse and children, it's like a knife in my guts.

Every time I see one of those posts - and it is most days on here - I wonder if this forum is the right place for me, or if there is a right place for me anywhere.

When I've brought this up with therapists they say something really quite patronising and unhelpful " but you're nice", "i believe in you", "things will get better". But that's not my reality. And I hoped this forum might be a place where I felt solidarity with people experiencing the same problems, but instead it's a constant reminder that even here, I am just less.

That's how I think too, that relationships are something that other people do. Just because it is seen as a society norm doesn't mean that everyone has to. I hope you no longer think of yourself as a mutant 

The difficulties we face as autistic people are understandable. Even within the autistic community people have varying profiles and strengths. I think I am particularly low functioning verbally and socially, but not in some other ways. Many autistic people prefer being alone a lot of the time and I am one of those. I very rarely feel lonely. 

My diagnosis has helped me to look back and understand what went wrong. It is still hard not to think how differently things might have been if I'd known I was autistic at the time. I didn't understand anything about emotions, body language, eye contact, flirtation.... The list is endless. 

I approached the dates like they were job interviews and I was incredibly anxious. I had scripted questions I would ask and rehearsed answers to what I expected them to ask me. Once I'd been through the 'script' I didn't have a clue what to say or do next. I now understand that the scripting was a form of masking.  

Thanks for sharing, Luna. Life is hard there's no doubt about it, but you're right - this place offers a good bit of comfort and connection for all us 'outsiders even among outsiders' and your kindness in contributing with complete honesty is deeply appreciated. I hope karma brings some good friends into your life, and not 'just' online - you deserve it. I'm glad this community has helped you feel less alone.

A lot of that resonates quite strongly, Autonomistic! Though I didn't even have the bravery for some of the things you tried. Or the inclination really. It felt like one of those ';for other people' things, and not for mutants like me. Thanks for taking the time to be open about it all. REally appreciated, and certainly makes me feel less alone. 

Hi Debbie. Thank you for you very kind words. That's a very touching story about how you and your now-husband met, thanks for sharing it. I think the intensity of emotional pain could be one of those 'too much or too little' things that seem to go hand in hand with ASD and that we got the former. Though the *too* bit of 'too much' still feels somehow feels like a blind-spot in society's collective reality. Maybe, instead, most NT people have their shielding up *too* high as a natural reflex, so they are insulated just enough from everything for things to hurt less, or never for too long (t least not ceaselessly). I'm not sure I envy that, hard as it often is to feel things as intensely as I do. Probably reason enough to be alone, I can't do expediently temporary sincerity about what 'love' means but I see how the majority, of necessity, kind of do.

Hi, we are much the same. I've never been in a relationship before I can't make a single friend let alone start dating somebody. It is lonely but I find comfort here talking to everyone and I'm hoping one day I'll get better control of the anxiety and be able to get out there and do more.

I have step mum and sister who are closer in my life now but sadly no friends or boyfriend at the moment.

Thank you.

I worked in the same office as my now husband, and he saw me one day crying in the corridor and started talking to me as he felt sorry for me and after a few walks, asked me out.

Why I was crying at that time is another story ..

I do hope you find solace, peace and contentment.

P.S. I'm glad you've found such happiness in a late(ish) in life relationship. That's lovely to hear. And I appreciate you adding your story, so that this 'survey' doesn't get too skewed. I want as close to the real percentages as possible, this is about checking the robustness of those ratios mentioned in my initial post. And hopefully finding solace in that. 

You are definitely not a 'bizarre aberration' either within or without the autistic circle.

Within the very long (I'd have to work it out, but it might be 20+ years) of being single, I met a chap who I was with for a couple of years.  However, it didn't work and he had a late autism diagnosis, as I did.

I think he has now accepted his 'single' status.

We are still friends.

He has had very few relationships, I think around 3, the most successful being with someone who lives abroad, so the distance probably helped.

My sister has been single most of her life.

It's interesting what you say about heartbreak (sorry to hear that you are).

I hadn't realised that emotional pain could be felt more deeply by those of us 'on the spectrum'.

That explains some of my agonies.

There are, by the way, a lot of advantages in living alone.

I think that living with another person when 'on the spectrum' is fraught with potential problems.

I wish you all the very best life has to offer.

Thanks for your reply Debbie. I'll be 45 very soon. Your history sounds very similar to my own. I'm probably designed for being alone and don't feel any compulsion to change that for its own sake. I'd rather be alone than in some methodone attempt to recreate a miracle (I was briefly in a wonderful situation with someone irreplacable, who I wish every day I could still at least be friends with again), so this really is just about making sure that there are fellow travellers out there - that I am not some bizarre aberation.

I'm single and always have been. I consider myself eternally single and have accepted it.

In my 20s I wanted to be in a relationship. I thought it was something that was expected of me and back then I didn't know why I was so different to everyone else. I didn't have any friends (and still don't), so I didn't go to any social events where I might meet someone. I did go to some work social events but I hated every second and would get so anxious I could not speak, even with copious amounts of alcohol.

I tried newspaper dating ads (this was pre internet). I went on quite a few dates but I can only describe them as awkward. I did not meet anyone who I felt I could talk to or was attracted to. Most of the time I did not have anything to say, other than the things I had rehearsed in advance. I would decline any dates where any food was involved, due to longstanding issues with eating in front of others. The only type of date where I felt remotely comfortable was the cinema, as I didn't have to talk or attempt to make eye contact. I hate being touched and even having another person sat next to me in the cinema I found very difficult.

I decided that dating and relationships just wasn't for me and stopped trying around 25 years ago.

Being single does make life more difficult in a practical and financial sense. For instance I would like to travel more but the single supplements make it prohibitively expensive. When I do travel solo I feel that I stand out and attract the attention of well meaning fellow travellers, who invite me to join them at dinner etc. I go mute if people start asking me questions and I can't eat in front of other people. I end up spending far too much time in my room when travelling, to avoid such attention. If I was part of a couple it would be much easier to blend in and go unnoticed.

Shardovan said:

If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!)

I wonder what age you are ..

Also, are you unhappy being alone?  Would you rather be in a relationship?

I've had probably quite an unusual relationship history, which included spending a large portion of my life out of relationships/celibate.  At that time, I was 'single and comfortable', to quote you.

However, I met my now husband in my mid 40s and got married in my 50s.

No children.

You really don't know what is around the corner in life I think... and a lot of positive things can happen late in life, as they have for me.

Hi Mariusz. May I follow up on this? Again, just trying to limit unintended ambiguities. When you say 'for ten years', do you mean that the relationship lasted for a decade? Or that in the past ten years you had one one brief relationship? The reason I ask is that you mentioned in another thread that you have had sex 'once' (as in on one occasion I think? Not 'once' as in 'a thing of the past') - I think it was you, apologies if I've misremembered- and while I appreciate that intimacy without sex in a meaningful relationship is entirely possible and healthy with the right people, I suppose it made me want to re-check what form your relationship took and if it did indeed last ten years. Hopefully I'm not sounding too intensely over-fixated here, I just find that unresolved ambiguities in real life (I enjoy them in fiction and art, sometimes a little less so in real life!) tend to consume me a fair bit, and this one came back into my head three months after you mentioned it.  Feel free to ignore if this just sounds nuts.

Every so often, I give this thread a bump in case further anecdotal contributions from anyone newer helps widen the sample into something increasingly more illuminating - and, hopefully ,consoling. I suppose I'm once again feeling a little anomalous too, as some IRL apparent fellow travellers turn out to be in relationships after all, or the usual media bomardment of 'you and your partner' presumed in every statement begins to wear me down into a state of feeling almost freakishly unique. I know I can't be, and this thread has helped. And may do so again, even if it's 'just' re-reading the contributions from a few months back.

I suppose I also keep hearing people on Aucademy etc. say 'my husband' or 'my kids' or whatever, and t makes me thaink taht autism is no 'excuse' as ultra-conformity seems widespread even among the neurodivergent - though presumably at least slightly less so. 

Sorry if this all sounds a bit rambly - trying to keep my mental health stable by reaching out in honesty rather than suffering in silence.