Am I alone in being alone? It feels that way even on here

I was single until mid thirties and lived alone after I moved out from parents. I did find it hard. I then met my husband. Without him I would find it hard.

You are right to highlight curious inconsistencies. But over time austic people seem to be able to fall into NT settings at random.

Life already is contrasted by manifold contradictions as they exist in nature. For instance at the north pole a compass tries to inform that the explorer is nowhere I.E the needle won't settle. When on the exact spot one is not even 'North' anymore, since no meaning remains for going north by the time an over the maximum state of travel to it has happened. That place has as much status in terms of potential to be south - east and - west as it has for north by the time someone stands within such a void of directional meaning.. The term used to cover this eventuality is Abstraction, and its causation is linked to going beyond the realms of that  which the sphere shape can offer with regard to consistency as a physically measurable thing. In other words although a whole can be known, there is an aspect to it that cannot. Another interpretation is that as there is a 'typical' demarcation (NT), then anyone atypical is a contradiction from the word go by that comparison since autistic people fall outside of the NT realm and become an abstraction by comparison - Autism = Abstraction when measured against NT. So contradictions can seem exist quite happily around autistic people & they might well align, or seem conducive to NT states of being, since contradiction is a natural phenomenon at the bottom line. For example what is not an abstraction - say if my autistic asked the NT at large et al - why did they implement a trading bloc treaty, hidden inside of a security treaty ( brussels pact 1948 ) with those who's committed a holocaust a few years earlier ?  In that instance we'd not be dealing with a contradiction but violation of logic. But there is an abstraction concerning 'They' - I.E who were they who signed that treaty. It wasn't the NT 'people' en masse - it was apparently just a few NT representatives of the people. However such a thing isn't conducive to neurotypicality & finally we do find an abstraction once we've subtracted NT from a state of people who are neither autistic not NT.  So what sort of contradiction is that ? I'm not sure as i'd not sign such a treaty with people who'd overseen a human holocaust. How they committed to such a contradiction can only be explained as it being part of the human condition, & nature ( or a God where preferred ) designed that condition = Nature. A human cannot think anything up without that ability to do so being by that cause. Why didn't the masses stop them - they didn't & its another contradiction. What about Putin ? - in his case there has been a sudden reality check concerning it is not ok to trade with genocidists But trading with such people has happened since 1948. ( i've only chosen big stuff to expose contraction in its wider context- no other reason )

Thus contradiction is everywhere actually and is far more a part of the human experience than it might seem. 

Yes, I always was single.

Oh wait, you mean ‘might’ as in ‘May’ (a hypothetical that didn’t come to pass?) so you’ve always been single? Sorry to push on this, but the less ambiguity in individual responses the more it helps me work out the percentages. 

Are you still in that relationship now, Desmond? Im guessing no, but mustn’t assume 

Shardovan said:

constantly reacting in puzzlement

I was in one only boyriend-girlfriend relationship for 10 year, puzzled all the time, but by the question 'Why I can't make it work?'. It was before I was diagnosed.

I made 2 friends before and 1 after diagnosed, and that's  about limit for me.

I suppose that specifically is not contradictory to be being autistic, but different for each of us. More like NTs, unlike other traits. So I'm not sure if I would clasify desire for loneliness as autistic trait. Inability to avoid it, yes, is definitely autistic.

Sometimes, we're supposed to be alone. Hopes for a relationship depend on finding a Soulmate, who's on your wavelength.

My Gran demanded that I marry either a Teacher or Nurse - to keep up with her Sister - so, I ended up a codependent Sucky-Baby. However, I'm learning to do things, now, before it's too late.

I might have ended up with a snobby control-freak; akin to my Aunt-in-Law. However, I'm listening to my LP copy of Loveless; by My Bloody Valentine. Everything's fine, now.

i have no partner, i only have my parents who i still live with.

but im buying my own flat now as i got a job and am working on sorting my life out and got work mates now which made a massive improvement i guess. but i doubt id ever have anyone and i still get depressed at home from being alone and i guess that part of us in our mind, that natural human instinct that drives you to wanting a relationship/partner is what causes distress at being alone, if we could surgically remove that part of our brain that pushes us into needing a relationship then perhaps wed be alot happier.

it feels sad and you just want a person to hug and be comforted by but yet no one will be there for you ever. and being hugged or touched at this point is so rare that it feels weird, i gave a homeless person £20 and they hugged me randomly after it, felt weird, guy at work also was too touchy and immediately made me sorta defensive. just not used to being touched in any way i guess due to lack of any friends or partners. just end up being sad listening to depressing songs while curling up hugging a pillow.

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I have further thoughts and thanks to express to individual posters when I can find the mental and emotional reserves needed (in a day or two hopefully) so I don’t mean to be cursory  in this reply which doesn’t adequately express my gratitude for the perspectives offered and kind things said. Hope you all have a nice weekend 

I remember well the feeling of loneliness and confusion about how other people ‘made’ relationships. I think some of us just ‘get lucky’ and stumble across another autistic person and just ‘click’. I was lucky in this way and I don’t think I would have survived if I hadn’t. It’s been hard enough coping WITH the support of my husband - without him I think it would all be too much. 
I know this sounds grim but I’ve had such a rough few months and it would have been impossible to get through without my family. Genuinely impossible.

I think autistic people need more ways to connect with each other - not just romantically but for friendships too. 
Not that relationships between 2 autistic people are perfect - they’re not. Myself and my husband both have some similar ‘deficits’ - such as organisational skills, or having a career and decent income etc. 

life has often been a struggle. We have had wonderful times too though. That’s life I suppose. 

I'm the same as you - single. I have tried dating but it was a total complete disaster from start to finish. I either backed out of the dates or when I was there had nothing to say, couldn't make conversation and I almost never made eye contact and then I wouldn't kiss or let people touch me.

Not a surprise that it never worked out.

I do long for a relationship and then children someday but I seriously doubt it. 

I'm not good with people or relationships. 

And time is going by slowly but quick enough.

I'm 25 soon and it feels like I'll never get the hang of people and be comfortable in being touched or making conversation.

I have only had one relationship and that is with my husband. We met because I put an advertisement in the local paper (pre internet) looking for friendship (I was going through a very lonely spell at the time). He is very NT but also unusual in that he had no friends and is reserved and quiet and this suited me perfectly. It was a one in a million chance to meet him and I am under no illusion that if I hadn't I would be in exactly the same position as you, Shardovan.

We've been together 25 years and I still wonder why he's with me - I have no confidence that I'm worth the effort. I am inflexible, non tactile, unable to show or even identify emotion (even love in a recognisable way) and often distracted and withdrawn. I hide from social situations and am the opposite of spontaneous. He is the opposite of me in all these ways and it does cause challenges.

So what may appear as perfect on the surface is rarely the case. Often we just muddle through. Just because you are not in or have never been in a romantic relationship does not make you less of a wonderful person. You are kind, thoughtful and worthy just as you are.

It is a shame that society seems to place such emphasis on our self worth being linked to being with someone else, as if that's a measure of our right to belong to the human race. And as for statistics and percentages, I tend not to bother with them, its just another way to divide people.

Shardovan said:

How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation? 

I sometimes wonder that too! So you're not alone, in being alone (?) . I can only assume it's very complicated. There can be many factors that help and limit people in forming relationships, not just social aptitude, and like you say, sometimes we only see what's going on on the surface. They may well be constantly in puzzlement underneath! I think learning to mask probably helps, but can also cause a lot of secondary issues. 

I never know whether to completely trust statistics, as it really depends on the sample group, and with autistic people it's even harder to get an accurate picture, because we're all so different, and have a tendency to interpret questions in different ways.. It also depends on the age of participants, and when the study was conducted etc. If it helps though, I'm 36 and have always been alone (as in, never had a relationship, lived on my own since I was 19). It used to bother me but not any more. I find it hard to focus on more than one thing at a time, and I guess I've always had either my studies or my job to focus on. If I wanted a relationship, I feel like I'd have to focus on that exclusively, and I don't want one that much! I like my own company. It does weird me out sometimes when I hear how people manage to have a job AND a relationship AND kids AND still have time to do the housework and have their own interests - ??? Autistic or not, I have no idea how people manage that. But maybe I'm just so used to being on my own that there's the familiarity factor too. 

Good question.  In my own case, I think it was due to extensive masking, often fuelled by large quantities of alcohol in social contexts.  And I have been known to have the odd "Saga" moment too.  There's this scene in The Bridge where she just goes into a pub on her own because she wants sex.  And I spent a great deal of time modelling myself on girls like that.  The "It Girls" I'd seen in newspapers left lying around, the models in magazines, the women from the Milk Tray or Cadbury's flake or Gold Blend adverts,  the "friends" i had who seemed so successful with boys.  I became an amalgam of these and the trope of the "manic pixie dream girl" is something I find really unsettling - it's so accurate that I almost feel personally accused!

None of it was actually me though and I got through a fair number of relationships before I accidentally met the one that stuck - my husband who is probably himself autistic. 

One telling moment, which occurred when the mask dropped, with a partner who was somewhat more sensitive than the rest.  I felt very relaxed and almost like myself when he said, looking surprised and even startled, "You're not how I thought you'd be".  It ended when he told me that I was just a dream.  

I feel sad about it all now.  I tried so hard to be someone else.  And so I know that while it's often possible to "infiltrate" the NT world, this is often accompanied by  feeling terribly alone inside.  And one of my sons said something along those lines, when things just fell apart for him and I tried to reassure him that he'd always been so popular and gregarious.  He looked really sad and said, "Yes, but I always felt different inside."

Appearances can be very deceptive.  I was always an alien inside and I just kept going until I met another alien.  And sadly, without alcohol, this would never have happened.  

My husband is also autistic (although not diagnosed). I think I wouldn’t have got married and had children had I not met another autistic person. 

Single. I gave up trying around 18 years ago. Had a few brief relationships before that, I can’t seem to make anything work longer than a year, I was just trying to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I’d like to one day meet someone that was compatible with me, and understood me, and me them. But I can’t see it happening. And have no desires to want to try at the moment. 

I met my wife while we were both psych patients in Runwell hospital. She was nearly 22 years older than me. She had the street smarts and I had the book smarts. The  former was much more useful than the latter. She's the only serious relationship  I've ever had. I have hadextremely few friends in the 65 years I've been alive. At the end of 2002/beginning of 2003 she developed vascular dementia. She'd had a stroke in 1990. In 2005 she died. We'd been together 22 years and married just under 19.

I've not had a partner since then. Prior to moving near my stepdaughter I hardly saw or spoke to anyone.