Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be.
The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not.
When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.
So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on.
But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation?
I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here.
Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow - a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through.
If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).
I was single (and VERY depressed about it) for most of my adult life. I completely gave up on the thought of being in a lasting relationship, but then last year I got engaged. If you ask me how it came about, I would say "Divine Providence." If you don't believe in God, you might call it luck, chance, fluke, etc. My fiancee, reached out to me on my blog (not in a romantic way) and we eventually started dating long-distance. Even so, it took us three attempts to get the relationship right and I'm a bit nervous about how marriage will work. I think the first year or two will be a steep learning curve for both of us.
My fiancee is not diagnosed autistic, but she has a lot of autistic symptoms and, given the under-diagnosis of autistic women, we both wonder if she's actually on the spectrum, at least mildly. I think that makes things easier for us e.g. neither of us is good at small talk and we're both happy to sit together in silence or read without feeling obliged to say anything. We've both had similar mental health conditions too; I joke about us having "his and hers matching diagnoses" which is difficult in many ways, but it does mean we understand each other in a way that neither of us experienced earlier in our lives, not even with our parents. (I notice a lot of the people on this thread who do have partners have ended up with someone else on the spectrum.)
For what it's worth, I've spent my life in the Orthodox Jewish community, where dating usually happens through formal or informal matchmaking, but almost no one ever tried to set me up with anyone, and on the two or three occasions it did happen, it never lasted more than one or two dates. I never found out if people didn't set me up with women because I was too weird-seeming, because I didn't fit easily in the "boxes" the Orthodox world tries to put people into or because I was too quiet even to be noticed -- all three being products of my autism.
I would say not to despair about this, as things can change, but I do think there's very little anyone can do practically to speed that along.
This is so lovely to read Luftmentsch - I think how you met your fiancé is an incredibly romantic story! I love that this has happened to you! Funnily enough my husband’s brother (who has a fair few autistic traits I think) was single until he was about 35 - and then met a lovely woman who was leaving a very unhappy relationship. She had two children and so he went from thinking he would never meet anyone to suddenly having a whole family! They are still very happily married and now have grandchildren! So you never know how life will pan out. And of course some people are very happy NOT marrying etc - it’s all so personal. But it’s never too late for things to change - if you want them to that is.
I think there’s more to life than just romantic relationships too. It’s never too late for friendship either. I wish there were more ways for autistic people to meet up and make friends. I feel we naturally connect well together - and I think we’re great at online friendships too. I can’t believe how friendly everyone is on here - and so kind and supportive - much more so than my experience with non-autistic people :)
That’s kind of you, and I appreciate you relating your experience and wish you well. But i seem to have inadvertently created the opposite impression than I’d intended: I’m not desperate to be in any relationship just to have one. So I’m not ‘waiting’ - there’s therefore nothing to speed along, to be ‘fixed’. I guess I’m what I believe is labelled ‘quirkyAlone’ - someone who if they fall in love by chance and have the miracle of reciprocation occur (the reciprocation thing has happened once but things got complicated in ways I still don’t fully understand and the hurt runs very deep, especially as a profound love from afar remains privately intact on my side and always will) would be up for that as a ‘living apart together’ sort of deal, but who isn’t on some mission to engineer anything and would rather remain alone in authenticity than united in a contrived methadone replacement union of mutual desperation to fit some societal ultra-orthodox norms.
For me, this is more about seeing how rare or otherwise I might be even in this community. Of the gratefully received 15 responses so far, 7 (47%) are overt confirmations of being long term single. Out of respect/sensitivity to Firemonkey’s Specific situation, I have not included theirs as an eighth. So maybe that statistic I read was not so far off the mark. Though I suppose this small sample could be skewed by the topic drawing more single than coupled-up individuals into wanting to say something. But it’s something helpful in itself, and I’m grateful.