Am I alone in being alone? It feels that way even on here

It’s not so much the dying that frightens me, as decades of being completely alone and unknown (after retirement) then utterly vulnerable and dependent on strangers when I become unable to look after myself.

It has been a simple blunt assumption for much of my life, that I will have to take things into my own hands before I decline too far and can’t.

Re: the future decline aspect, I do recall finding the following blog post helpful for perspective on that https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/200901/the-ultimate-threat-single-people-youll-die-alone 

Hopefully it can give you comfort too. There are pros and cons to every scenario. How 'the end' looks for each of us is no exception...

I understand exactly how you feel Amerantin. I can even understand the basic pertinence of the banquet analogy. Though of course nobody means for it to come over that way, and  someone partnered but who longs for one really good platonic friend where none exists may feel understandably defensive about their own positioning relative to that metaphor. I think it is most truly helpful to fall back on the statistical here - the more consolidated or otherwise that supposed 56% becomes via those willing to post, the more accuracy you can have about being sure that you are not alone in being alone. The last time I gave this thread a bump, that's pretty much where we ended up - with that exact figure at one point reached. I hope there's comfort for everyone in that... knowing that the supposed ratio checks out. More or less... 

I think what can make it feel otherwise is that contrast of hard and soft signals I talked about before: mention of a partner, a child is a 'hard signal', whereas ambiguous non-mention could mean any of a few scenarios, so the single people give of a 'soft signal' - arguably even a cloak of invisibility unless asked directly in a safe space like this thread.

It’s not the status as such that bothers me, most of the time anyway. People I work with have repeatedly assumed I’m married.

I just want someone to keep me company, to talk about life with, to do things with, to give a damn about me, to sit on the sofa and watch TV with me!. And I’ve cared for other people (not all of them furry) all my life and feel that as a gap in my life now too.

I’d also be dishonest if I said I’m not fearful of the future. I watched both my parents decline and become completely dependent, and in just the last few months the same thing happened to my neighbour across the road. I’m really worried about what would happen to me with no one to advocate or care for me.

I do understand the point about another person being intrusive or time consuming. It’s another worry I have, but based more inertia and my current position. I’m sure I’d cope.

Post above now corrected to include an inadvertently omitted but crucial, word! '...doing *well*...' was of course what I meant! 

Unknown said:

I don't know if this has been mentioned elsewhere on this thread, but one thing to bear in mind is that this forum won't be indicative of the autistic population as a whole.

It’s certainly true that non verbal and less social people will be less likely to post here.

Unknown said:

So, when making comparisons, you are only comparing yourself with the few people who post regularly here.

Not really. Almost every day another person joins, many never making it past the NASxxx stage to a full user name, but their first post will talk about their partner and kids. In fact one just posted just a few minutes ago as I write this.

Unknown said:

I've held back commenting here because I don't want to be one of those people (which I've probably already been) upsetting others.

Nobody should feel they can’t post about their own situation here, and your commentary about your own life history has been helpful, reassuring even.

I just have a “eh?” moment every time I read a post from someone about how lonely and friendless they are and even their partner and friends don’t understand them. I feel like a starving man listening to people at a banquet complaining about the quality of the food.

I am 'single' - whatever that means! I do wonder, and have always wondered, why the relationship status of a person counts for so much? Surely there's more to each and every one of us than that? And if you're single, you may well attract sympathy, or even pity, for not hitting the bar, or achieving the normal state, which apparently is being part of a couple.

I think I would find someone else too intrusive and time-consuming. They'd be in the way. 

I didn't always feel like I do now, but through many trials and errors, I've developed my own life, which suits me. I have lots to do, some freedom to do it, and I don't have to compromise for somebody else. 

It's not bad

That's a really good positive mindset to have. I've been trying to make friends with myself since I was a teenager but I feel like I'm a really difficult person lol. Friend me first then hopefully it will be easier to make friends with other people...

Hard work but hopefully it will lead to good and better things in the future.

Very kind of you to ask Debbie. Doing OK just now, and grateful for it while of course not wanting to tempt fate! 

I just looked up the lyric you mentioned ("Seems I'm not alone at being alone") as I must admit my thread title was not an intentional reference - though I wonder was I unconsiously doing so... hmmmm. 

Hope you're doing well yourself btw. :-) And I'm glad you felt welcome joining in . I certainly didn't mean to, um, send a message (in a bottle) that one 'side' should refrain from representing their truth. Which is just as well, or my changed circumstances mean I'd now be in exile from the very thread I started two years ago! But i apologise for not making that clearer, so hyperfixated was I on looking for better statistical alignment in the anecdotal contributions of people posting here. 

I'm not sure I agree with the 'easy' bit... but I endorse the 'making friends with yourself' part. Have had to work very hard on that, but it's worth the effort. 

...and the spirit in which I started the thread. In that sense, you are far from alone :-)

I think it depends on the therapist. There are good and bad performers of every kind of job. There can also be people who give great advice to others but can't manage that for themselves - and I've a lot of empathy for that!

Watching other people intuitively pull that off feels like observing a magic trick, doesn't it? Two realities lived in close proximity but it might as well be parallel universes. I have a very small number of friends ( which of course suits me!) but that's only a plural situation thanks to one friend who stayed the course, and brought them to my door so to speak. Otherwise I'd be entirely friendless... offline anyway. Each of us is pretty observably neurodivergent (though I'm the only one to have sought and attained a formal diagnosis), which just shows that we rely on those 'oddball' (as NTs would see us) clusters to mutually forge - more through luck than design- and sustain any kind of friendship bonds and ongoing communication.  

"So if the rest of the world runs on "playing games" and you personally have neither the inclination or the skills to "play games" then, my frneds, expect to be at the back of every fricking queue!!"

That's so very well and impressively succinctly put, and I feel like that all the time in terms of how the world works. I think most of we autistics need to converse on the level of text, not subtext, but the vast majority are hardwired for exactly the opposite. 

My own circumstances have changed since I started this thread two years ago, as I'm in a lovely distance relationship with a wonderful person who somehow puts up with me... well the 'somehow' is of course that we are kindred spirits in many ways, and I'll say no more about that at this time! But I'm still glad that the thread occasionally resurfaces from dormancy, as the statistical stuff's capriciousness in not quite ever aligning to the anecdotal in a way that would bring hoped for comfort never truly resolves itself, and yet... many 'me too' sentiments have indeed provided solace in this thread, thanks to people kindly taking the time to raise their hand and 'speak' their truth...

Autonomistic said:

has jolted me out of deep hibernation.

Welcome back.

I miss your wisdom when you are absent.

I don't know if this has been mentioned elsewhere on this thread, but one thing to bear in mind is that this forum won't be indicative of the autistic population as a whole.

So, when making comparisons, you are only comparing yourself with the few people who post regularly here.

I've held back commenting here because I don't want to be one of those people (which I've probably already been) upsetting others.

Also, whilst I'm here, 2 things:

1.  How are you doing Shardovan ?

2.  You have perpetually put into my mind Police's Message in a Bottle (in case anyone didn't get the lyric reference in the title).

I Sperg said:

Now you might BE a real nice guy inside and your therapist can see that, but does your daily presentation reflect that?

That’s the thing - I get along with people at work just fine. I get asked for a pint after work, people will wander out at lunchtime with me. I have no problem having chats with people around the office.

It’s not that I’m “not likeable”. I just can’t convert those surface level interactions into a real friendship or relationship.

Thanks for that much needed insight.

I can see now how difficult it is for some of us to believe that we CAN exceed our previous limitations.

I can only testify that in my case by teh tie I was 11 I was a basket case. Anti social, violent , only emerging from my room to steal something, (the only thing I showed any real promise at) and generally so messed up I could see it myself and I decided to do something about it. 

There are some people here who are a lot better functiong than I am admittedly, the 1% as Judgedredd calls them, but there are people who's posts call out to me as a reminder of where I come from, adn whos posts show me that I have travelled some distance away from who I was. 

It took me 16 years of self reflection and learning and practice (with many errors and false starts along the way) to become reasonably functional, but I know what I did that actually worked now. Some skills are innate and known as "talents" but many skills are in fact teachable and transferrable. 

One thing that stands out in my memory is how quickly my life changed when I read ONE particular book, which for me was a revelation about how people really work. After reading it I coudl see clearly how I could improve my relationships with the rest of the world, and withing maybe two years my life was very different indeed. I ended up with a LOT less "friends" than I had before reading it, as I stopped trying to be a "people pleaser" but those who I did keep, were the sort who are more helpful and less of a drain on me. 

It appears to me that it really IS possible to change the trajectory of your life, and sometimes people will help you in aspects of that, but the journey starts with dissatisfaction with your lot, and a determination to fix it yourself.

But you still need tools. 

There is an old saying that goes: "When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything tends to look like a nail" which suggests that the tools I've used may well not work for everyone in every situation, but some tools are pretty universal and useful across the board. I try to indicate teh tools that have worked for me.

It is relatively easy to "lead a horse to water", but he is only going to drink it when he is good and ready.

My ex remarked one day that; "People talk about changing themsleves but you are one of the very few people I've seen actually do it".  

I tend to credit myself and my own efforts and good fortune in finding the right tools, but I do have a sneaking suspicion, that my prayers and Christian training might be largely responsible for the improvement I experienced, but that is SUCH A HARD SELL these days, (and very unwelcome indeed with some people) that I don't push or credit the Christianty very much, but is worth looking at the various societal models that dominate the various parts of the world, and see how a Christian based cultrure compares to other ways of liivng... OR even how our culture was when it was largely Christian based compared to now, where it is Christian in name only, but something else in practice..   

I get it. When you've already been 'trying' repeatedly for decades, and have suffered the resultant burnout, there comes a realisation that you either give up or a radically different approach is needed.

As the famous saying goes, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply Autonomistic.

Autonomistic said:

What I struggle with is the expectation that everyone can be successful if only they were to try harder, learn social skills, get out more, get therapy, read a book, etc.

Yes. I feel like a deaf person who’s told I can hear if I just try harder.

Autonomistic said:

People should not end up feeling inadequate on here of all places.

And that was the crux of my post.