Using Autism as an excuse

That's  good way of thinking of it.

I think an important word here is 'excuse' because it implies that something is 'wrong' or there is 'blame'. I don't see autism as an excuse for doing or not doing things - I see it as a reason we do or don't do them.

I find masking helps me fit in and cope in the moment, but it is bad for my mental health later on. So, I think it's good that you are opening up to your family. But, the few times I have opened up and let myself be autistic since my diagnoses I got the same negative response from people around me that it always did (which is why I mask in the first place).

Your family might not realise that you have been the one making changes all along (though masking and hiding) and the changes that they might have to make now might have a really positive effect on your mental well-being and ability to cope. Maybe if they understand that they will not react so badly.

That is very true and I see where you are coming from.  

true but my experience is that people tend to assume hidden disabilities are used as invalid excuses and that physical ones are always valid excuses. In reality neither is always true, but people love their assumptions.

That is true - I think we are both thinking this in very black and white terms.  To say you can't change is wrong and to say you can change everything is also wrong.  There are bits you can change and bits you can't or shouldn't.  

Yes you shouldn't have to mask 24/7 at home but on the other hand you have to respect those you live with as they deserve a happy life too.  It's not a binary situation.

The body is very plastic. Exercise can turn weedy little arms into huge pillars of muscle. But exercise can't grow your legs back. Most autistic people learn coping strategies for what they can't do. To stretch the metaphor instead of growing legs they learn to walk around in a handstand. But that then means you can't use your hands, and you can't keep it up for long it's exhausting.

If your wheelchair bound wife said, 'honey please go upstairs and get X for me,' you'd be a total jerk to go, 'hey I know you can clime those stairs on your hands do it yourself.' And bluntly its the same with autistic people. It's utterly unreasonable to expect your other half to mask 24/7 at home. It would be hugely damaging to their mental health and there is no way they could keep it up.

The mind is plastic to some degree, the body isn't (prosthetics aside).  I am not prepared to accept that I can't change how I react. how I cope with events or how I deal with situations.  If we can change anything within ourselves, it's how we think or deal with ideas and concepts - that's what learning is about.

It is possible to change and see life from a different perspective, it might be hard but it is possible.

See this is the thing that annoys me. You don't get this with physical disabilities. You don't get people saying, 'oh they just use being in a wheelchair as an excuse to not do this or that.' Why shouldn't autism be an excuse? Why should you be expected to change things you can't change or do things that cause you undue suffering?

Loving and including people with autism includes accepting there are somethings they struggle with to the point where you need to modify your expectations of them.

I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I relate to this. Growing up in an abusive household led me to develop anxiety (but I think I'd have had anxiety anyway) and no one looked further than that. But for me so many things just didn't add up to pure anxiety so I started digging. The more I spend time in the community, the more comfortable I feel with myself and someday when I move out from my parent's house I'm going to purse a diagnosis. 

But realizing that I might be autistic has really allowed me to show more of myself. Everyone around me knows I'm weird and quirky so I don't mask much at home, but recently I've stopped masking stimming and my parents called me out on it a few times thinking it was too weird and make fun of me (they didn't listen to me when I presented my thoughts). Anyway, I know I was rambling, but I'm getting to my point. I spend more time with my friends and girlfriend who really accept me. It's good to find those people in your life. You do have to understand that others won't always get you and in relationships there's give and take, but they can't do all the taking when all your life you've done all the giving and finally realize you don't have to. 

I'm not sure if that made sense, but I hope it helped

Hard to do when the people are you family. 

We have just started marriage counselling with a counsellors who has experience working with autistic people. 

Agree with all that Aidie

change - slowly and on your terms 

take up mindful meditation and explore your own mind ( slowly and steadily )

that changed me 

made me better at handling anxious situations and managing damaging thoughts

feel free to ignore me

Magnolia1 said:

My husband says that he feels like he is the only one expected to change in our relationship because  now I am autistic it means that I have an excuse not to have to make any changes.

My wife said exactly the same as this.  We are both trying to find a way forward using the knowledge that I have ASD.  For the most part it is been hugely positive but there are difficulties and areas which we still haven't work through yet.  It takes time but if you both deeply care for each other you should be able to get to a new way of working in your relationship and it will be the better for it too.

At least that is what I am pushing towards.

I'm experiencing a similar issue and not quite sure how to describe yet and I'm here to get help too. I'm rooting for you, the difficult things you experience does not mean you are using it as an excuse at all, you are accepting the room to breathe and being less on your guard.

Upon learning more about yourself you will find ways you can do better in the long run, it will take time and a lot of tries.

Hi Stephen 

I think it must be really hard for you to not be able to feel comfident and comfortable around your mum when she has such thoughts about you in reguards with Autism. As long as you never listen or let those sorts of comments stick around in your head then don't worry about it because you must stay true to yourself and not let anyone change you because you are Autistic. It's difficult when not everyone has the same understanding of Autism as you and it can get you down and feeling ashamed. Sorry that you have to go through these things but there are so many people who do accept you and won't shame you at all. 

It seems she has a lot more to learn about Autism and the way she processes it herself because it's clearly becoming obvious that she hides the fact you are Autistic. And there is no such thing as being a REAL Auitistic person [maybe let your mother know that], everybody has their traits and it dosen't define anyone. 

Thank you for your post, it can seem crazy how little others know about Autism. Goodluck with everything :]

I have the same problem. My 20 year old daughter was diagnosed at the same time as me  - the day after, in fact. She gets a lot of support from the rest of the family, including me. This is not the case for me, I feel that I cannot be functionally autistic. If I say I have problems with certain things, it is usually not taken seriously. Blaming my autism for anything, results in me being accused of using it as an excuse, even my autistic daughter does this. I can see that I have a lifetime of coping behind me, often at great cost to my internal wellbeing, and that it might be difficult for them to now make allowances, but it is disappointing nonetheless.

There are always things we can all change to better ourselves. If I don't seem to be received correctly, I might change how I word a thing - this may sound strange, but oddly, it sometimes helps! 

Everyone sounds as though they are running into 'user errors' and without really understanding specifics, I'm not sure what's really going on. 

For instance, I might get rid of the 'me' centred autism and say something more along the lines of 'since being diagnosed autistic, it makes complete sense of why these LEDs are creating a low-level on-going stress on my system. Stress is a great way to shorten life-span. I could get a bottle of drugs or we could call an electrician to re-wire the house so I'm not experiencing daily interference focusing and I'm not taxing my liver. It may even help with my work-flow and I might actually be less on edge or more fun to be around." Here's an example of something another can be respectful of regardless of understanding it. If they need proof you can do the research and then expect to just be respected about something which is stressful next time. 

I've had issues being dismissed, disregarded or treated with contempt. Who cares if someone I love has anxiety over trying Thyme? I can care about the person regardless of the issue and simply wish to help them feel at ease by cooking their pizza separate without it. That literally is no issue. 

The only advice I have is to research and present evidence. OR - follow The Articulate Autistic on Instagram and learn brilliant reasoning responses such as "No, you are not making sense. Perhaps it's this autistic brain I've been diagnosed to be wired with, or your inability to be articulate. But you're using words incorrectly. That sentence could mean 3 things: (and list them)" Or "What exactly are you trying to say. My telepathy skills are lacking (no one needs to bring up atustim here)".

2 of the biggest pitfalls for Neurotypical individuals involve Arrogance or a Lack of Reasoning because they're so used to 'thinking like the masses" or Presumption (which I really loathe). Especially when someone puts their motives into my words. 

At best we usually run into sensory over-load, which some NTypicals love because their inner life is really dull, Communication issues because the Autistic Brain uses different lobes and regions to process and has completely different meanings for things, or being interrupted, which is actually terribly rude anyway. It's OK for one person to want to watch a sport. But not to demand everyone else do... just some ideas. Again - not sure what you're running up against. 

some people realised that my autism diagnosis hadn't changed me, it had simply stopped me from hiding who i was

other people still couldn't accept it and so i distanced myself from them

Magnolia1 said:

My husband says that he feels like he is the only one expected to change in our relationship because  now I am autistic it means that I have an excuse not to have to make any changes.

It’s difficult for you. You know deep down what you want/need but don’t want to do it? 

ive recently been diagnosed, I thought this will help people around me understand.. yes they understand when things are great. But when things are not great I’m an excuse “oh here we go, *** and his anxiety” bang slam bang bang bang scream bang.. no things stayed like this for me and I would give my right arm to leave my partner but hey! That’s me