Using Autism as an excuse

My family are cross with me as they say that since I was diagnosed I am using my autism as an excuse not to change my behaviour and that am doing things now that I wouldn't have  done before and "blaming" it in on my autism. 

I don't know how to deal with this information. Do I need to pretend that I am not autistic and go back to masking and hiding who I really am? Do I need to act as if I never got a diagnosis and not mention my autism ever again? 

My husband says that he feels like he is the only one expected to change in our relationship because  now I am autistic it means that I have an excuse not to have to make any changes.

I really don't know what I am supposed to do this information or what I should do about it!

Has anyone else had this happen to them? Any advice on what I should do?

I feel like no-one is willing to accept me as I am and everyone is fed up with me being autsistic!

  • Hey some of use still use it that way, I'm young enough to remember the Flintstones. https://youtu.be/-5YAKrxDRNE

  • physical ones are always valid excuses

    You might think so, but I have been physically disabled with arthritis for all my adult life, 30 odd years, and this is actually not the case! Plenty of people are very unsympathetic of physical disability too. I am not in a wheelchair, but when my arthritis is bad every step can hurt, and even on a good day there is a limit to how long I can be on my feet before they hurt. Also i get very tired.

    I had a friend who always wanted to park the car in the first convenient spot, rather than trying to find the closest one to where we were going. Then she sprained her ankle and said she finally understood why that mattered to me! She was better about it for a while...

    And the number of times a$$holes park in the disabled bay, especially in supermarkets where they put the cash machines next to the disabled bays.

    I have been accused of "playing the arthritis card" as an excuse for many things. People do not understand much better than they understand autism. Of course I have not known I was an autist for long, only a couple of years, although I have always been one. My husband frankly struggles with all my conditions (which all begin with A) arthritis, autism, ADHD, alexithymia.

  • But language is always evolving and a google definition is only as good as if people use it as such. The dictionary definition is at best a guideline because it becomes irrelevant the second people decide a word means something else. As my old boomer Dad would say "gay used to mean happy".

  • But is it?  I was conditioned with extreme violence and it cured....

    Oh wait, no it didn't, I just grew up having to struggle with the urge to kill every day for about twenty years... 

    (But now, thanks to my membership of the Assassins Guild I am a respectable member of society :c)

  • the dictionary definition of excuse is, according to google: "a reason or explanation given to justify a fault or offence." If people use excuse exclusively to mean invalid excuses then they're using the word wrong.

  • I was just thinking about this in my own context, and ZAP! There's a thread about it...

  • If a child was expelled for bad behaviour then  the meltdown is a reason, the child is autistic, it’s a recognised condition, that is the reason for the child’s behaviour, it’s not an excuse, it’s beyond the child’s control because of having a diagnosis of autism.

  • See that's interesting because although spelt the same way and having the same root I have always considered excuse (noun) and excuse (verb) to have significantly different situational meanings based on experience having witnessed how they are commonly used.
    Such as I have observed excuses never seem good enough but reasons are. Or at least they get questioned less. So no, an excuse does not necessarily excuse someone. (Maybe it should, but it doesn't. Another one to chalk down to unwritten allist social rules that make no sense.)

  • ....The only good thing about bots - occasionally they prompt the resurrection of an interesting old thread.

    I definitely get the feeling that this applies to me (ie effectively people judging me and my behaviours and wondering whether I really am and/or if I am trying to use autism as my excuse of choice to explain past failures and legitimise current odd performances.)

    I would find it SIGNIFICANTLY easier to deal with this if NT's actually said what they thought out loud to the people concerned.  Unfortunately, this is not my experience - people are two faced quite often in my sad experience and will say "good for you" to your face and "sad looser jumping on a band wagon" to each other.

    I'm glad that I have quite thick skin.........and "you lot" on these pages to keep my perspectives balanced.  Thank you all.!

  • I'm being pedantic but linguistically an excuse excuses some one. An excuse is a reason that absolves one of blame. A reason alone does not automatically do that. eg

    Police: what's your excuse for shooting him in the head?

    Criminal: He was annoying.

    Police: that's not an excuse that a reason!

  • I dunno if that applies there tbh, because its not like anyone intends to have a meltdown or does so for manipulative or malicious purposes. "Excuse" feels like it belongs being aimed at innately bad acts, but a meltdown isn't bad behaviour, it's upset behaviour.
    :S
    I think "Autism is the reason" should have been perfectly acceptable to not expel the child. So the problem is the teacher/school.

  • try telling that to the mother of a child expelled for having a meltdown in class.

  • To be honest, I haven’t read all the replies, being autistic is never an excuse, it’s a reason!

  • Has anyone else had this happen to them? Any advice on what I should do?

    Once but that was mostly from crossed wires, the person who accused me didn't realise the behaviour wasn't malicious it just got out of even my control. We resolved it in the end.

    Also once "out" to people as autistic it's very difficult often impossible to put that genie back in the bottle with people who already know, and actually going back to full masking after coming out  and unmasking is too often just fuel for their confirmation bias that you can "be normal if you just try hard enough" or "see you were just faking it to be special all along". (Allist very often sadly also = *sshole.)


    My husband says that he feels like he is the only one expected to change in our relationship because  now I am autistic it means that I have an excuse not to have to make any changes.


    I would calmly explain to him all the times you have changed (and you will have because people do over time) and to remember that you have been autistic all along.

  • As with mental health issues, it often seems to me that all too many non-sufferers are understanding and sympathetic *until the issue presents an inconvenience for them*. This especially goes for non-sufferers who have some form of authority, I've found. Obviously, all this is a generalisation but it's true to my experience nontheless.

  • NTs can’t differentiate immaturity from autism. If you can point out their lack of priorities, boundaries and ethics, you’ll be able to help them understand you’re not looking to be bothersome but respectful. Of Everyone- Myself included. 

  • Yes that's so true.  My husband tries to understand but he  doesn't.  I think he just thinks I'm lazy.

  • i read a book "Just do it anyway "  it helped me fight back against the closing doors of depression/anxiety. It's not easy. ppl who dont have depression just cant relate to its clamp like nature

  • I totally relate to this.  I'm currently waiting for diagnosis and am going through a very anxious/depressed time at the minute.  I've been off work since September and I'm now at a point where I can't leave the house alone so I don't understand how I'm ever going to be able to return to work and no one seems to understand.  My husband just thinks I'm making excuses about work and I'm pretty sure he thinks I should just 'get over it'.  It all makes me feel so very sad and as if there's no point in going on.

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