Using Autism as an excuse

My family are cross with me as they say that since I was diagnosed I am using my autism as an excuse not to change my behaviour and that am doing things now that I wouldn't have  done before and "blaming" it in on my autism. 

I don't know how to deal with this information. Do I need to pretend that I am not autistic and go back to masking and hiding who I really am? Do I need to act as if I never got a diagnosis and not mention my autism ever again? 

My husband says that he feels like he is the only one expected to change in our relationship because  now I am autistic it means that I have an excuse not to have to make any changes.

I really don't know what I am supposed to do this information or what I should do about it!

Has anyone else had this happen to them? Any advice on what I should do?

I feel like no-one is willing to accept me as I am and everyone is fed up with me being autsistic!

  • it doesn't sound like you are 'using your autism as an excuse', it sounds like you are relieved that you have a diagnosis and no longer have to pretend to be someone else.

    your husband is right that he shouldn't have to be the only one to change however you having a diagnosis should make him want to change and make things easier for you?

    in answer to your question, I experienced a very similar reaction when I received my diagnosis

  • Mines a recent diagnosis. My mother 1955 told me I’m a insult to real autistic people. I should be ashamed!

    she’ll keep it her dirty secret and won’t tell anybody her son is autistic. She is angry because her mind has been poisoned and stereotypes ASD to down syndrome type illness. I feel pressured into nodding and agreeing.

  • I’m going to reply again,. If had a *** life and was labelled with anxiety and was never looked past this. 

    now I have been diagnosed, I’m going to use it every possible way to make me have some sort of happy future. 
    autism isn’t a excuse.. its a large % of the other majority 

  • Thank you for sharing. Has it got any better since?

  • i dont see why anyone needs to change, everyone should be who they are and if people dont like who you are then they dont have to stick around.

  • My husband says that he feels like he is the only one expected to change in our relationship because  now I am autistic it means that I have an excuse not to have to make any changes.

    It’s difficult for you. You know deep down what you want/need but don’t want to do it? 

    ive recently been diagnosed, I thought this will help people around me understand.. yes they understand when things are great. But when things are not great I’m an excuse “oh here we go, *** and his anxiety” bang slam bang bang bang scream bang.. no things stayed like this for me and I would give my right arm to leave my partner but hey! That’s me 

  • some people realised that my autism diagnosis hadn't changed me, it had simply stopped me from hiding who i was

    other people still couldn't accept it and so i distanced myself from them

  • There are always things we can all change to better ourselves. If I don't seem to be received correctly, I might change how I word a thing - this may sound strange, but oddly, it sometimes helps! 

    Everyone sounds as though they are running into 'user errors' and without really understanding specifics, I'm not sure what's really going on. 

    For instance, I might get rid of the 'me' centred autism and say something more along the lines of 'since being diagnosed autistic, it makes complete sense of why these LEDs are creating a low-level on-going stress on my system. Stress is a great way to shorten life-span. I could get a bottle of drugs or we could call an electrician to re-wire the house so I'm not experiencing daily interference focusing and I'm not taxing my liver. It may even help with my work-flow and I might actually be less on edge or more fun to be around." Here's an example of something another can be respectful of regardless of understanding it. If they need proof you can do the research and then expect to just be respected about something which is stressful next time. 

    I've had issues being dismissed, disregarded or treated with contempt. Who cares if someone I love has anxiety over trying Thyme? I can care about the person regardless of the issue and simply wish to help them feel at ease by cooking their pizza separate without it. That literally is no issue. 

    The only advice I have is to research and present evidence. OR - follow The Articulate Autistic on Instagram and learn brilliant reasoning responses such as "No, you are not making sense. Perhaps it's this autistic brain I've been diagnosed to be wired with, or your inability to be articulate. But you're using words incorrectly. That sentence could mean 3 things: (and list them)" Or "What exactly are you trying to say. My telepathy skills are lacking (no one needs to bring up atustim here)".

    2 of the biggest pitfalls for Neurotypical individuals involve Arrogance or a Lack of Reasoning because they're so used to 'thinking like the masses" or Presumption (which I really loathe). Especially when someone puts their motives into my words. 

    At best we usually run into sensory over-load, which some NTypicals love because their inner life is really dull, Communication issues because the Autistic Brain uses different lobes and regions to process and has completely different meanings for things, or being interrupted, which is actually terribly rude anyway. It's OK for one person to want to watch a sport. But not to demand everyone else do... just some ideas. Again - not sure what you're running up against. 

  • I have the same problem. My 20 year old daughter was diagnosed at the same time as me  - the day after, in fact. She gets a lot of support from the rest of the family, including me. This is not the case for me, I feel that I cannot be functionally autistic. If I say I have problems with certain things, it is usually not taken seriously. Blaming my autism for anything, results in me being accused of using it as an excuse, even my autistic daughter does this. I can see that I have a lifetime of coping behind me, often at great cost to my internal wellbeing, and that it might be difficult for them to now make allowances, but it is disappointing nonetheless.

  • Hi Stephen 

    I think it must be really hard for you to not be able to feel comfident and comfortable around your mum when she has such thoughts about you in reguards with Autism. As long as you never listen or let those sorts of comments stick around in your head then don't worry about it because you must stay true to yourself and not let anyone change you because you are Autistic. It's difficult when not everyone has the same understanding of Autism as you and it can get you down and feeling ashamed. Sorry that you have to go through these things but there are so many people who do accept you and won't shame you at all. 

    It seems she has a lot more to learn about Autism and the way she processes it herself because it's clearly becoming obvious that she hides the fact you are Autistic. And there is no such thing as being a REAL Auitistic person [maybe let your mother know that], everybody has their traits and it dosen't define anyone. 

    Thank you for your post, it can seem crazy how little others know about Autism. Goodluck with everything :]