Using Autism as an excuse

Not always, but if you are finding that to be the case then be persistent and stand up for yourself!

Thanks Number, glad you agree.

I try to imagine their position; going through all of this, but without any direct internal experience. What a guessing game.

Amazing that she has stuck around. I know many people don't so my heart goes out to those people

Stay strong & true to yourself folks

Yes JT, or more correctly, yes, yes yes JT !!

I like it when I see contributors on here remember that, whilst we ourselves have major "issues" with "coming out" (if you will) our nearest and dearest have to endure pretty much the same confusion and uncertainty as us.  Your words and sentiment are bang on - based on my lived experience at the moment too.

Wishing you and yours a very happy New Year brother.

Kindest regards

I feel sorr if the same. Since diagnosis in 2022 I have been through denial, acceptance, further self-work, and the beginnings of unmasking things I struggle with and have been hiding. But my partner, as incredible as she is, doubts it all in some ways as all that has changed is someone she doesn't know has decided I am declared 'autistic'.

But what I have to remember is, it's hard for us to accept change, but they (our relatives) are no different. Just because she doesn't meltdown in certain situations doesn't mean acceptance and change are any easier. So it's a long process I think.

For example, at Christmas recently I was stressed by the social interactions presented by staying with her family for 5 days. But I went, faced it, melted down after 2 days, my IBD flared up and I was really ill for the next 3 days. So ultimately, she saw the effort I made and the effect it had. It wasn't easy to go through, but each time I try and fail she gets a better understanding of my struggles and she accepts the reality of ASC a little more.

It's all a part of growing in harmony, a pattern I've noticed, for all families & couples, takes a life time if give and take

There was a vacancy going at the library and family members said 8 hours isn't enough. Also said you don't want to cut cheese and meat rest of your life. Same goes with a clothing company, you don't want to hang clothes rest of my life.

Those family members seem very overbearing about your choices in life.

There's nothing at all wrong with cutting cheese for the rest of your life if that is what you want to do. You've mentioned visiting the cheese shop every day and that is an environment you feel comfortable in.

The same goes for the other jobs you mentioned. There is nothing wrong with any of them. Taking a job does not commit you to doing that for the rest of your life.

The next time one of those jobs comes up try and apply for it. Listen to your own wants and needs more and the opinion of family members will matter less.

2007-2019: My diagnosis was largely ignored. Got treated as got a learning disability by getting blamed for everything. Also tried to ask for help, supervisor said how long have you been working there? You should know by now. Asked for extra hours, told none going and gave them to her favourite people. Plus breach my adjustments. In the end had enough. Tried something new and had a massive anxiety attack. Family members told me not to say anything. Think I've got a right to say something. Plus keep on badgering me to think about my future and everyone should be working. Told me to apply for the chemist and post office as thought I would be good at it. Explained that you need Horizon experience and told me it doesn't matter. There was a vacancy going at the library and family members said 8 hours isn't enough. Also said you don't want to cut cheese and meat rest of your life. Same goes with a clothing company, you don't want to hang clothes rest of my life.

Going to tell the Samaritans everything. also pity the doctor called it a day. How does this make me feel? Sad as give me a chance. 

There is one thing baffling me often. It looks like allistic confuse cause and effect in many cases, Sometimes there is no reason, just effect, they want it and claim it is a reason..

I was a cat in a previous life. Stroking against grain puts me on edge

My Mum thinks I use my medication as an excuse for my sleeping pattern and routine!

My Mum and Godfather think I use my Autism as an excuse for everything and my Mum and Nan have said before that getting an Autism diagnosis was one of the worst things I done as I was stressed about it since but I think its good because I now know its part of who I am and why I might of had the issues I had before - I’ve learnt a lot being on here and its helped a lot as well!

Groovy.  I like to be useful.  If it works, pass it on.

so sorry to hear that Stephen. 

ME three! It's nice when someone "gets it".

Absolutely !  Me too.

That is one of things which makes me feel at home here. That not only do I feel I can point out something like that when I notice it, but that it might even be appreciated!

AuTriker said:

thought through though

And thank you for the word pastry.....I love that.

Please do be pedantic! I think it is a good trait! I agree, i try to avoid arguments because the goal then is for one side to win, implying the other party loses. My husband is the one who calls them that and who still sees them as conflict rather than an attempt to avoid conflict. But our discussions on emotive topics (such as him putting some cold turkey into my porridge bowl!) do sadly often tend to become arguments because he will (not deliberately I believe but he refuses to try to avoid it) keep triggering me into a meltdown state, which I am trying hard to resist at the same time as trying to do words in a manner which makes sense and he also gets upset if i am not polite! 

Trying to remember to apply a new approach during an emotive debate is not always easy, though I do work on trying to learn and change something each time. It's so frustrating though and it feels like I have to do all the work, all he wants to do is walk away and be left to keep doing the thing which is upsetting me.

I agree with you on being able to disagree if someone has a considered opinion which makes sense. It offends me when people hold opinions they have not even thought through though (haha, those 3 words in proximity look so similar!) and which have a negative impact on others. I think that is even worse than one based on faulty logic, but is sadly very common!

If I do try it (though hope not to have another emotive discussion for a while!) I will try to remember to give feedback, but don't hold your breath because I have ADHD and may well forget... Thank you for the info.

A little more gentle aproach is what they should be giving you but they're not maybe they're doing the tough love thing.Tell them you need blunt honesty etc. Or maybe they simply need educating..happens sometimes when people just don't get it, and trouble is autism is the invisible disability as you look on the surface like them and they expect you do as them.

Forgive me for sounding pedantic - but "arguments" are not something that I have.  Moreover, the whole point of the chapters approach is precisely to avoid an argument.

Yes - I almost always reach the last page/chapter with a willing counterpart.  Most contentious matters are a 2 or 3 chapter affair - if they stretch beyond that then normally a longer break and "sleep on it" tends to be in order.  Interestingly, staying proximate to the counterpart during the pause seems to be very calming - silence between humans is a good thing that is not practised enough these days - in my opinion.

I normally require the "moments" (as I like to call them) to wrap my head around illogicality - something that generally frustrates and irritates me.  I don't have arguments because I am very content not to agree with people if they can present their opinion or case on sound thinking.........if I can see fundamental errors in their thinking, I can (unfortunately) fixate on that fundamental error of thought/reasoning....and hey presto = argument.

I'm glad you like the idea of this methodology and would be interested to know if it works for you and yours if you try it.

That is genius! I think I might try it with my husband too. He tends to reach a point of being unable to continue a lot sooner than I do but I am driven to resolve and can't just stop in the middle without reaching some kind of point! I am starting to suspect he is autistic too, having previously assumed all his issues were down to his schizo-affective disorder. He doesn't have meltdowns but I am starting to see his reaction to arguments as a shutdown. He denies any possibility he has autism, he doesn't want to be put in another box and doesn't understand why I am happy to find I belong in the autism box! I like it because i can find some solutions in this box.

Arguments are very difficult for us! But it is helping as i begin to understand how my own autism is making things worse and how we can work round it. It is also helpful to see his reactions through a different lens and try to work out ways we might work together better. Trying to do chapters might work. Although we might never go back to chapter 2... my ADHD makes me forget things like that and his memory can be very mixed, also he will be reluctant to resume something like that.

Do you actually manage to finish arguments that way or do you also find it difficult to resume the next chapter? How many chapters do you need?

Thats a great idea thankyou! I will try an implement this. Im sure it would help alot. :)