Coming to terms with realising you are probably autistic

Thank you. Yes I’m mostly accepting my difficulties are autism and how to move forward. 
I was abused physically and mentally by my children’s dad so that’s my biggest barrier to love, accepting not everyone is going to hurt me, I guess knowing now why I was so easily manipulated helps a lot. 

Good luck with the CBT. All I will say is approach it with an open mind and you may get some benefit from it. (My AS assessor wasn't a fan of it for people on the spectrum, and you may find people on here saying it didnt work for them....however, everyone is individual and I actually benefited a lot from it). I told my therapist at the start I thought I may be on the spectrum and I'm waiting for an assessment. They were mindful of this but I suppose it depends who you get.

Oh god I'm paranoid someone in real life can work out its me but then I don't know why they'd be on a forum for autistic people! 

All the best, don't feel you have to reply :-)

Hi Out_of_step,

Thanks for being willing to be so open about the things you've experienced.  Also thanks for your kind words supporting me in being open as well.  I would never be able to talk so honestly about my issues if this weren't an anonymous online forum.  In fact, even now it scares me a bit, and I just hope that nobody who knows me in real life is reading this and could work out who I am.  It's encouraging to read that you went through the same process of 'working yourself out' by talking to other autistic people online.

It sounds as though your difficulties aren't necessarily obvious to others.  I'm glad that you found the answer about yourself (that you're autistic) despite that it wasn't obvious to others or perhaps even yourself.  I can relate to some of the things you say, about needing time to recharge after being around people.  I could only ever teach part time, and even that was really exhausting.  Also, just being in the workplace, in a public place all day every day, I would find very difficult and tiring.  I work from home now and find it easier, even though it's isolating.

This morning I had an email from the NHS counselling service.  I've been on the waiting list for CBT since February, and now my appointment's come up.  When I first went on the waiting list, I didn't know the reason for a lot of my issues, but now I think that autism has been a big factor in a lot of things.  I wonder if my therapist will be experienced of working with autism.  I hope so - then I might be able to ask them for help in understanding it.  If not, hopefully I can still work on the difficulties themselves.

I hope that your experience of teaching native speakers goes well.  I sometimes found it helpful to think of teaching like a performance (i.e. people can't necessarily see what's going on beneath).  But I know what you mean about being worried about the social side of things, rather than the actual teaching.  Maybe it's the fact that the social side is less structured.  That's the case for me, anyway.

At parties, my wife shared a house with two Kiwi girls in London before we married. Of course, expat Kiwis are quite sociable with each other when so far from home, so the house became a regular location for Kiwi-dominated parties. One of the regulars was an importer of kiwi fruit to the UK, so there were lots of kiwi-related  freebies.

blimey,,,  must admit all the people I know are very hippie like ( parents where real hippies )

New Zealand

Hello,

It's really interesting for me to read about some of your thoughts and feelings as you process this.  Several of the things you say, I can relate to.  For example, conflicted desires around whether or not to look for a relationship.  I feel like this too.  At the moment I want to try and focus on building deeper friendships, as a kind of starting point.  I still don't know about a romantic relationship.  When I say that I'm trying to build deeper friendships, it's not that I'm actively going out and trying to meet people; instead I am trying to put more mental energy into keeping up contact with the people I already know, and just making friendships more of a priority rather than hiding from loneliness by working all the time.

You asked how to find love when you're suddenly a different person - I'm guessing you mean in view of the fact that you now know you're autistic.  Personally I'm thinking that if I ever do find love, maybe it will be with another person on the spectrum, or someone who has experience of autism, so that they wouldn't judge.

You said that you're a passionate advocate for people with additional needs.  That sounds exciting - what kinds of things do you do?

You said that maybe you will need to accept that you will only be able to stay close to a few people.  Maybe you will know the answer to this in time, and you don't necessarily need to resign yourself to anything just yet.  I guess if you have only recently accepted that you're autistic, it might take time to see what level of social contact works best for you.

It's all wonderful, until they are shotgunning cans of beer and performing hakas in the kitchen. I know I've been there. 

Hi Shannon, I'm really glad to hear that you've found this site helpful.  I wish you well in coming to terms with your new diagnoses.

By the way, please don't worry that you didn't see my first reply to begin with; I wasn't offended at all. 

Hi Sean,

Thanks so much for your reply, and for the links on Autistic Burnout.  I will have a look.

I really appreciate your kind words about taking time to understand yourself.  It's really good to hear that you now feel more accepting towards yourself.

Actually, this morning I received an email from the NHS counselling service.  I've been on the waiting list for therapy since February (before I realised I was probably autistic, even though I have kind of known for years) and now my appointment's come up.  I wonder if my therapist will have experience of working with autism or not.  I will think about which issues to discuss.  I want to ask them how autism might have led to the difficulties I have now, but I don't know whether or not they'll be in a position to answer that question.

Hi! I have read this thread and my heart truly goes out to all of you.

ive only just accepted I have autism after years of knowing deep down and my ability to meet and spot autistic students immediately.

I too have tried to achieve as much as possible to hide my faults. I’m on my fourth degree this year, I can’t wait to bury myself in research and use it as an excuse not to have to socialise anymore!

I have achieved a lot because I knew I struggled but didn’t ever want a simple life. I’ve scuba dived, skied, tried surfing all to feel I can accomplish things and that I master my anxiety after reading ‘Feel the Fear and do it anyway’.

Problem is if I’ve spent too much time with people who are sad I feel wiped out. Anger wipes me out and I’ve been a single parent for ten years, so I don’t have a huge amount of energy left for a relationship.

I’m wondering if for me, accepting I’m a bookworm, who can only stay close to a few people is my life. Accepting I’ve achieved so much despite my condition and am a passionate advocate for others with additional needs is why I have this.

That being an oddity is okay because I’ve helped so many people and it’s ok to meltdown, hide and become exhausted by my obsessive train of thoughts and research because it’s just the flip side to the passion that has got me where I am? 

I don’t want to be alone forever, but I just don’t think I’ve got room in my brain for someone.

Im coming to terms with autism, reminding myself when I feel fuming at an injustice or exhausted from pushing too hard so I can hide my anxiety, but struggling with what it means in terms of my love life?

it seems career wise there’s lots of support (if I can pinpoint what tips me into meltdown) but how do you find love when you’re suddenly a different person, have new explanations for ‘anxious’ thoughts and ‘odd’ behaviour. 

Also fed up of being called blunt. I’m to the point and try not to waffle on which irritates me like nails on a blackboard! 

Aware I’ve rambled a little bit I’m processing my own thoughts and others on this forum, forcing myself past my issue with the replies layout so I can join the cool gang.

Hi again, I replied to your other message before I saw this one. I'm now in my 40s and only recently learning how to really be kind to myself. I think for most of my life I was "going through the motions". I'd have huge anxiety and stress, but never really knew the source. I just thought having Asperger's meant I was a little "quirky" and a bit "delayed" socially (never really had friends).

Here are two interesting articles I found on Autistic Burnout, and it helped me begin to better understand and accept who I am.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/autistic-burnout-an-often-misunderstood-element-of-autism-080620197

https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/aut.2019.0079

I hadn't had any "meltdowns" since I was a child, long before I was ever diagnosed with ASD. So, a connection was never made, and I had no idea this was even something to be concerned about. I now really do believe that the more each person can learn and understand themselves (their minds, body, soul/love) it helps put life into more appropriate perspectives.

What you described when at school, that very likely could have been a form of a burnout for you. Apparently depression comes hand-in-hand with it (and often apparently people with ASD get misdiagnosed as having just depression because doctor's don't fully understand). I've not personally had an eating disorder, but I would imagine low self-worth and an overall unhealthy view of yourself might have been present. Perhaps that was you experiencing a form of burnout and stress of masking?

I hope things are hard for you because of the uncertainty around a potential diagnosis, and not other issues. It might all be connected as well. Hopefully between you and your doctors, you might be able to better understand the source of your own anxiety and stress. Just keep asking "why?" over and over until you drill down far enough.

Unfortunately, this can all be a very long and slow discovery process. Each person is made a little different, so it could happen around an age of 25 or 75, if even at all. My best advise is to keep reminding yourself that it's okay to be a little slow to understand, sometimes it takes several times to really learn, and you don't have to solve everything at once. Forgive yourself, have patience, and know that there are people (here on this forum and other places) that do care, will listen, and do want to help without any judgment. Be yourself in whatever form you feel most comfortable taking!

Yh I'm not planning on letting others know unless I'm close with them, yh I've found this site very helpful finding people who won't judge and people that understand and accept me for who I am :) 

please read Ultramarine comments below

Yh  I was but I don't want people to label it and use it as a reason to be horrible

I just want to say I can relate to stuff you have said and I was diagnosed in my thirties earlier this year. Firstly, I think it's good you're coming on here and trying to work yourself out - it's what I did! I always wonder if "neurotypical people" are always trying to figure themselves out as much as ND people seem to appear to.  I think from the people I know,  the answer is probably not. Secondly, I want to address some points you made. You said making life decisions had been difficult and I feel it has been the same for me, especially when it's not 100% been my choice (like getting a house with my partner) and I've also learned a bit about how autistic people can find transitions difficult. This makes sense to me now. (Edit - I'd also add I feel other people are able to just "get on" with their lives for the most part...even the ones who have bad anxiety but no AS...whereas I feel it's difficult).

I too teach EFL! However I'm going to be teaching native speakers this year too and its actually the social side of things I'm worried about such as small talk over anything else.

You said about the internal experience of anxiety which I can completely relate to. I think it's part of my masking. Up until i got my diagnosis, i think i carried on regardless, trying to be the best i could. (Eg going to social events when i didnt want to because of the anxiety. Ive read about people who dont do things because of the anxiety but not me...I think ive always pushed and pushed myself. It's like I've never said no to anything and in the end it takes a toll one way or another). I think this is to do with people pleasing but also not knowing myself enough, or being able to identify I don't want to do something and having the confidence or realisation I can say no. I am very easily led by others, especially if I cannot make a decision. This anxiety to me seemed a natural part of life up until I started reading about AS.

 I've had a lot of anxiety from work but on the whole I present very well and most people wouldn't know. It's not as bad now but in the past I'd hold it in till I got home. I think it's the same with my parents to be honest. I dont think they have ever actuslly known as an adult how anxious i can be. Even my partner who knows me better than I do didn't sense my anxiety on my AS assessment day! I do think  some of it is also to do with alexithymia and alexithymia was also mentioned in my report. Now I understand better things which can give me anxiety which I would say maybe *wouldn't* give a non AS person anxiety. 

Edit - also the bit about needing down time and people not realising this. It's difficult to get this at work unless I go and sit in my car. Again, in the past I think this was another "carry on regardless / masking" thing and not actually knowing myself as I tried to keep up with others at work. But when I did realise I coukd have control over this, I still struggled and I don't know if it was my socisl skills or body language but people didn't seem to pick up on it. (I noticed other introverted non AS people at work didn't seem to have this problem). I've since realised, from comments at my assessment, I have to "work things out" in social situations (even in one to one) but my brain works very fast to compensate for this so no one actuslly notices. I feel this additional element of brain power, which I think non AS people maybe don't use as much, contributes to the need for down time and recharging.  

I'm awfully sorry it's turned into an essay, I hope it helps and its also my way of getting things out of my head because I don't actually talk to anyone about any of this.

If it helps, downtime could mean doing sudoku or a crossword, or computer games, to occupy your brain, just some thing different, not necessarily doing nothing.

Hi Gerty, thanks so much for your reply.

Regarding down time - this is something I find difficult, as I tend to get obsessed with pursuing my special interest.  But just recently I've found that I don't seem to enjoy my special interest as much, and I can't seem to focus on it, which is totally out of character for me.  

I have conflicted feelings around down time.  I'm a bit of a workaholic, so often feel guilty about taking time away from work.  Recently I realised that from an early age I've used my achievements to try to hide my autism from people (even though I didn't realise at the time that I was autistic, I knew there was something different about me) and I got into the habit of trying to achieve in order to compensate for low self worth.  For years, I hardly took any proper designated down time because I felt guilty about not achieving.

Now that I've realised I'm autistic, something has shifted and I don't seem able to lose myself in work any more.  My normal coping strategy doesn't seem to work.  I feel a bit lost.

Taking down time also sometimes leaves my mind too free to worry and get anxious about things.  I'm going to try to find something relaxing that will not give my mind the opportunity to get into a downward spiral.

I wish I could spend time with close friends, but because of the pandemic it's difficult.  I have also got into the habit of isolating myself and working rather than taking time to be with other people, and now I realise how incredibly lonely I am.  Clearly things are going to have to change in my life.

Hope I'm not oversharing.  Thanks for your thoughts.

I like the thought that maybe you should rest when you can. In fact, having down-time is one key technique for managing autism.

I wonder about the benefits of the formal diagnosis, if the process is causing too much anxiety, it may not be worth it.

Be kind to yourself.

Hi there, I'm sorry that this is a worry, it's a shame that some people aren't accepting.  I don't have much experience of this, as I haven't yet been diagnosed, but maybe others can help.  Maybe it might help to think carefully about who you disclose the diagnosis to.  It's not possible to predict how people will respond, but maybe tell the people closest to you first, people who you trust.  I'm not planning to tell any employers or potential employers - as far as I know, this isn't compulsory.  I find it's helping me to meet people in the autistic community because it's helpful to feel that I am accepted and understood here.