Coming to terms with realising you are probably autistic

Like several others, there are some great and interesting replies. I felt it might be useful for me to add yet one more, and hopefully it will be of some help.

I'm now in my 40s, married, good job, was diagnosed with learning disabilities as a child but then Asperger's in 2007. At the time of the diagnosis, I didn't really care too much. I was me, I found my place in life, and everyone thought I was generally doing okay. I honestly thought I HAD come to terms with being on the autistic spectrum. I wasn't on any medication or having to see doctors.

Unfortunately, it wasn't until prolonged stress (and family deaths) caught up with me recently and I suffered an Autistic Burnout, and I literally had regressions. That's something that none of us ever thought would happen to me. Since then, I've learned that being on the spectrum just means that parts of our brain are a little slower than the rest of our system (for example, I'm great with maths and logic, but horrible with emotions).

I accept that. And, I then was able to accept the fact that sometimes the "logical" part of my brain can have an idea before my "system" can determine how I "feel" about that idea. Essentially, I was thinking and acting/doing before my brain fully processed all of the data/information about "feelings" that might be attached to those thoughts/actions.

I don't mean to get philosophical, but once I accepted how my brain works, and that I'm just a little slow sometimes, but that's okay, stay calm, relax, and you'll get there...sometimes part of your brain gets to the destination before the rest of you, and you get confused and don't really know why.

I'm know everyone is very different, and no two people are alike (from another perspective, we're all the same). Regardless, once I understood how my brain worked (maybe because I'm a logical thinker in the first place), my world started making sense to me again. I was able to make connections again, and knew how to "sort" my thoughts. So, perhaps, that approach might work in a similar way for you as well?

All the best in your self discovery/understanding/acceptance.

Hello Sean,

Thanks very much for replying to my post.  It's interesting and helpful for me to read about your experiences.  It sounds as though it was very helpful for you to learn and understand more about how your brain worked, so that you could then figure out ways to adapt your behaviour to that.  It's great to read that you were so accepting and kind towards yourself.  I'm learning a lot from people I meet who are kind to themselves, and I think it's a lovely attitude.

I'm sorry to hear about the Autistic Burnout that you suffered.  I don't fully understand what Autistic Burnout is, but recently one person on this forum directed me to some video resources on the subject.  I had a kind of burnout when I was at school - I had an eating disorder then started missing a lot of school - and I don't know if that's the same thing or not.

Thanks for your thoughts on self discovery and acceptance.  I am finding things quite difficult at the moment.  I hope that it's a temporary phase and I'm sure it will get easier in time, but at the moment it feels that the life I had before doesn't fit any more, which is unsettling.

Hello Sean,

Thanks very much for replying to my post.  It's interesting and helpful for me to read about your experiences.  It sounds as though it was very helpful for you to learn and understand more about how your brain worked, so that you could then figure out ways to adapt your behaviour to that.  It's great to read that you were so accepting and kind towards yourself.  I'm learning a lot from people I meet who are kind to themselves, and I think it's a lovely attitude.

I'm sorry to hear about the Autistic Burnout that you suffered.  I don't fully understand what Autistic Burnout is, but recently one person on this forum directed me to some video resources on the subject.  I had a kind of burnout when I was at school - I had an eating disorder then started missing a lot of school - and I don't know if that's the same thing or not.

Thanks for your thoughts on self discovery and acceptance.  I am finding things quite difficult at the moment.  I hope that it's a temporary phase and I'm sure it will get easier in time, but at the moment it feels that the life I had before doesn't fit any more, which is unsettling.

Hi Sean,

Thanks so much for your reply, and for the links on Autistic Burnout.  I will have a look.

I really appreciate your kind words about taking time to understand yourself.  It's really good to hear that you now feel more accepting towards yourself.

Actually, this morning I received an email from the NHS counselling service.  I've been on the waiting list for therapy since February (before I realised I was probably autistic, even though I have kind of known for years) and now my appointment's come up.  I wonder if my therapist will have experience of working with autism or not.  I will think about which issues to discuss.  I want to ask them how autism might have led to the difficulties I have now, but I don't know whether or not they'll be in a position to answer that question.

Hi again, I replied to your other message before I saw this one. I'm now in my 40s and only recently learning how to really be kind to myself. I think for most of my life I was "going through the motions". I'd have huge anxiety and stress, but never really knew the source. I just thought having Asperger's meant I was a little "quirky" and a bit "delayed" socially (never really had friends).

Here are two interesting articles I found on Autistic Burnout, and it helped me begin to better understand and accept who I am.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/autistic-burnout-an-often-misunderstood-element-of-autism-080620197

https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/aut.2019.0079

I hadn't had any "meltdowns" since I was a child, long before I was ever diagnosed with ASD. So, a connection was never made, and I had no idea this was even something to be concerned about. I now really do believe that the more each person can learn and understand themselves (their minds, body, soul/love) it helps put life into more appropriate perspectives.

What you described when at school, that very likely could have been a form of a burnout for you. Apparently depression comes hand-in-hand with it (and often apparently people with ASD get misdiagnosed as having just depression because doctor's don't fully understand). I've not personally had an eating disorder, but I would imagine low self-worth and an overall unhealthy view of yourself might have been present. Perhaps that was you experiencing a form of burnout and stress of masking?

I hope things are hard for you because of the uncertainty around a potential diagnosis, and not other issues. It might all be connected as well. Hopefully between you and your doctors, you might be able to better understand the source of your own anxiety and stress. Just keep asking "why?" over and over until you drill down far enough.

Unfortunately, this can all be a very long and slow discovery process. Each person is made a little different, so it could happen around an age of 25 or 75, if even at all. My best advise is to keep reminding yourself that it's okay to be a little slow to understand, sometimes it takes several times to really learn, and you don't have to solve everything at once. Forgive yourself, have patience, and know that there are people (here on this forum and other places) that do care, will listen, and do want to help without any judgment. Be yourself in whatever form you feel most comfortable taking!