Coming to terms with realising you are probably autistic

For me the final diagnosis was a relief. After years of being passed from pillar to post, treating the effects, but never looking at the cause. Although in fairness, there was some childhood stuff that complicated the situation. I have found post diagnosis a bit of a rollercoaster. Coming to terms with who I am now, but also who I’ve always actually been and who I could have been if I’d been diagnosed earlier. All a bit futile really, but part of my journey I suppose.

Hi Riddler,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  I hope that it gets easier for you in time.  From reading about other people's experiences, it sounds like many people go through the stage of wondering how life could have been different if they had known earlier.  I am thinking about this myself (but still waiting for diagnosis, so not fully processing it yet).  At the moment I feel ambivalent.  On the one hand, I think that a lot of emotional pain could have been avoided if I had known earlier.   Also, perhaps I would have found a way to be more successful in my life and relationships (I've never had a long-term relationship).  But on the other hand, perhaps it was good that I didn't have any reason to think that I couldn't do things that other people can do.  I wouldn't have wanted to feel that I was limited by a condition.  (If I am autistic, I still wouldn't want to feel limited by it, and I would still want to have the same hopes and dreams as before.  But perhaps you know what I mean.)

If you feel like sharing this, how do you think life would have been different if you had known earlier?  (If you don't feel like sharing this, no problem.)  I'd also be interested to hear other people's thoughts on this.

I think that greater self knowledge at an earlier age would have changed quite a few things for me. 

Of course, I cannot be sure as "Parallel Jenny", diagnosed in childhood, doesn't exist and so can't be used as a comparator!  But I think it would have steered me away from certain ill-advised options in terms of careers and relationships.  I might have cottoned on to the extent of my masking much sooner, which would have meant that "Pretend Jenny" didn't get to make so many crucial life decisions while the real autistic me didn't get much of a say.  I think that I perhaps wouldn't have spent so much time seeking remedies, therapies or treatments for extreme anxiety and becoming "Queen of the Self-Help Aisle" without ever really being able to help myself (cos I was looking at the wrong books, pointing in the wrong direction and didn't know about "autistic anxiety").  The answer, I thought, was always in the next book, the next strategy, if I only applied myself a little more.  Self acceptance never happened and others, seeing me as a lazy, failing neurotypical instead of an autistic person with some need for accommodations, didn't accept me either.  Knowing could have put paid to some of that.

But, more importantly in my eyes, I would have been given the key to what has clearly been going on within my family over generations and I might have been given it in time to prevent a lot of heartache and trauma for my (now adult) children.  I might also have been able to extend more understanding towards the older generations of my family - I certainly knew we were somehow different but, just as I thought I could make greater and greater efforts to change and forge ahead in life, I applied the same logic to them and thought they were just not trying.  I blamed them (the filth, the poverty, the inability to get along in the world or pass on many practical skills) and it didn't occur to me that they were disabled and needed support because, well, they were just so intelligent and accomplished in other ways.  How, I thought, can the same person who has so many academic qualifications, not be able to cook a simple meal or remember to have a wash each day?  Seriously, I just didn't get it and just reading a little about "spikey profiles" and autism in general might have saved me from being so judgmental and unsupportive.  I actually have major regrets in this area because some of the people I was most critical of are now dead and I cannot take back some of the harsh words that were spoken and probably deeply affected vulnerable, unidentified autistic family members who were actually doing their very best already. 

For me not knowing has cast a long shadow.  And I don't know whether I can now do enough to spare the next generation.  Or, being ill, whether I'll even be given enough time to try.  :(      

Good luck with the CBT. All I will say is approach it with an open mind and you may get some benefit from it. (My AS assessor wasn't a fan of it for people on the spectrum, and you may find people on here saying it didnt work for them....however, everyone is individual and I actually benefited a lot from it). I told my therapist at the start I thought I may be on the spectrum and I'm waiting for an assessment. They were mindful of this but I suppose it depends who you get.

Oh god I'm paranoid someone in real life can work out its me but then I don't know why they'd be on a forum for autistic people! 

All the best, don't feel you have to reply :-)

Hi Out_of_step,

Thanks for being willing to be so open about the things you've experienced.  Also thanks for your kind words supporting me in being open as well.  I would never be able to talk so honestly about my issues if this weren't an anonymous online forum.  In fact, even now it scares me a bit, and I just hope that nobody who knows me in real life is reading this and could work out who I am.  It's encouraging to read that you went through the same process of 'working yourself out' by talking to other autistic people online.

It sounds as though your difficulties aren't necessarily obvious to others.  I'm glad that you found the answer about yourself (that you're autistic) despite that it wasn't obvious to others or perhaps even yourself.  I can relate to some of the things you say, about needing time to recharge after being around people.  I could only ever teach part time, and even that was really exhausting.  Also, just being in the workplace, in a public place all day every day, I would find very difficult and tiring.  I work from home now and find it easier, even though it's isolating.

This morning I had an email from the NHS counselling service.  I've been on the waiting list for CBT since February, and now my appointment's come up.  When I first went on the waiting list, I didn't know the reason for a lot of my issues, but now I think that autism has been a big factor in a lot of things.  I wonder if my therapist will be experienced of working with autism.  I hope so - then I might be able to ask them for help in understanding it.  If not, hopefully I can still work on the difficulties themselves.

I hope that your experience of teaching native speakers goes well.  I sometimes found it helpful to think of teaching like a performance (i.e. people can't necessarily see what's going on beneath).  But I know what you mean about being worried about the social side of things, rather than the actual teaching.  Maybe it's the fact that the social side is less structured.  That's the case for me, anyway.

Hi Out_of_step,

Thanks for being willing to be so open about the things you've experienced.  Also thanks for your kind words supporting me in being open as well.  I would never be able to talk so honestly about my issues if this weren't an anonymous online forum.  In fact, even now it scares me a bit, and I just hope that nobody who knows me in real life is reading this and could work out who I am.  It's encouraging to read that you went through the same process of 'working yourself out' by talking to other autistic people online.

It sounds as though your difficulties aren't necessarily obvious to others.  I'm glad that you found the answer about yourself (that you're autistic) despite that it wasn't obvious to others or perhaps even yourself.  I can relate to some of the things you say, about needing time to recharge after being around people.  I could only ever teach part time, and even that was really exhausting.  Also, just being in the workplace, in a public place all day every day, I would find very difficult and tiring.  I work from home now and find it easier, even though it's isolating.

This morning I had an email from the NHS counselling service.  I've been on the waiting list for CBT since February, and now my appointment's come up.  When I first went on the waiting list, I didn't know the reason for a lot of my issues, but now I think that autism has been a big factor in a lot of things.  I wonder if my therapist will be experienced of working with autism.  I hope so - then I might be able to ask them for help in understanding it.  If not, hopefully I can still work on the difficulties themselves.

I hope that your experience of teaching native speakers goes well.  I sometimes found it helpful to think of teaching like a performance (i.e. people can't necessarily see what's going on beneath).  But I know what you mean about being worried about the social side of things, rather than the actual teaching.  Maybe it's the fact that the social side is less structured.  That's the case for me, anyway.

Good luck with the CBT. All I will say is approach it with an open mind and you may get some benefit from it. (My AS assessor wasn't a fan of it for people on the spectrum, and you may find people on here saying it didnt work for them....however, everyone is individual and I actually benefited a lot from it). I told my therapist at the start I thought I may be on the spectrum and I'm waiting for an assessment. They were mindful of this but I suppose it depends who you get.

Oh god I'm paranoid someone in real life can work out its me but then I don't know why they'd be on a forum for autistic people! 

All the best, don't feel you have to reply :-)