Coming to terms with realising you are probably autistic

Thank you Markochef.

I am so glad to have found this forum; I am really lucky to be able to talk with so many other autistic people and hear how their experiences are similar or different.  At first I was a bit unnerved when reading about other people's experiences of autism, because I didn't understand what the spectrum was, so if I read about a symptom that somebody else had and I didn't, I assumed that this meant that I wasn't autistic.  But I've now got a bit better at seeing the common threads or spectrum characteristics that underlie most people's experiences.

I hope that your continuing journey towards understanding of your diagnosis is interesting and brings you many more insights.

Hi Martin, I think I've felt that sense of euphoria too at times.  For me it is the feeling that I can finally accept parts of myself that I hated and was in denial of.  I can accept them because they're not my fault, and there's a reason for them.  Also it is so wonderful to talk to people who have experienced the same things and know exactly how it feels.  And some days I feel like in a way it's even a special privilege to be autistic because my brain is wired differently and that's an unusual thing and something to celebrate.  

I also feel worried, just as you did, that I will be diagnosed as not autistic, because then I don't know how I will be able to explain the different problems I have.  I'm trying not to think about my assessment, but at least now I know roughly how far away it will be: it will probably be 7 months from now.  It's comforting to know that.

Hi Stephen, I had a similar thing: I kept losing friends and then one day there was a real disaster where I realised once and for all that I see things in a very different way to most people.  I had been thinking for several years that I might be autistic, but this one event was like the final straw, and I started the process of looking for a diagnosis.  I cried a lot too in the aftermath of that event, because I just knew I was autistic and I didn't know how to deal with it at first.

I see you are self-diagnosed.  I feel I am almost sure that I'm autistic, but I also have many days where I doubt it, so I really feel that I need a professional diagnosis.  

I have been going through a similar process to you, of opening the 'painful and incalculable' memory door and realising the reason I said and did certain things.  In many ways it's a relief, because I can forgive myself more easily.

It sounds like the process of coming to terms with your diagnosis was very quick, and everything slotted into place in one go.  That must have been a day you will remember forever.  I think my journey will be longer, probably because I doubt myself a lot.  Also I need to learn more about autism so that I can understand better what it is and who I am.

That must be very difficult to put up with, incontinence.

Yes, I also experienced a certain amount of tension and anxiety but then these are my "go to" emotions (and others might get angry, for example).  I found these to be more problematic in the run up to diagnosis, largely because I felt as though I'd given over my very identity to a bunch of "experts" and sitting on a very long waiting list while I thought about it.  The actual diagnosis was a relief and I've felt more self-accepting and even a bit calmer ever since. 

Strangely, however, I did start crying when I eventually got the diagnosis and I couldn't ask many of my questions, even though I'd written them down and I didn't get a report, just a letter, which to my mind left a lot unanswered.  I guess my initial response was very mixed then, and it felt more momentous than I'd expected.  But I've felt increasingly stable post diagnosis.  Prior to that so many difficulties didn't make sense and there was always the thought that the next round of therapy, the next self-help book, the next efforts at desensitisation would surely help.  They never really got to the bottom of things and, although some approaches were helpful, age and maturity seemed more helpful.  Knowing myself and being given the key to my issues, though, has been most helpful of all. 

I wonder whether some of what you're experiencing is a result of the uncertainty and if the external validation of a diagnosis might be useful to you?  It's a very personal thing and even now I wonder whether I should have just self identified and not involved any professionals.  But I think I also needed the corroboration of what I thought was the truth about me.  There might have been an element of always deferring to others there too (which, if I'm in a neuro-minority, isn't so surprising). 

A good rest can't hurt, though.  Possibly your mind is working around various issues and now looking at them through the lens of autism, which I think can be quite an adjustment.  So yes, cut yourself some slack.        

Sounds about right. 

Wow, your thread has really hit an identifier there with me!!! Yes! I would go out of my way to help a true friend, I really mean pull out all the stops to help or get to them in time of need! Yet they have other "friends" but thy always seem too busy, or the situation makes them uncomfortable, or some other reason, but the maintain they are good friends?? This I dont understand.. You have just brought this to the fore for me.. In a GOOD way! Another realisation for me.. Thank You both!

i went into see a MH team to see why i was having so many issues at work and came out with "You are on the spectrum"  ---- i couldnt speak for 1 or 2 days it was so shocking. 

I was called back a month later because my shock reaction had scared my assessors and they wanted to reassure me 

I was all over the place for a month at work and at home.

3 month better at home ok at home.

6 months all fine again

anyways  all is fine now 

somedays I still think they got it wrong

so your reaction is fairly normal

I didn't find out until tested and found to have autism +dd this answered a bunch of questions while growing up dad said that I was slow.I have also after yrs of off and on incontinence had to return to diapers My 2nd wife is somewhat my care giver she being several  yrs younger makes most of decisions.

Indeed. Myself, I become an expert on the person, I could do Mastermind on them (is that the right show?) so if they leave... well, the void is huge.

One NT once said to me "whys it such a big deal if you cant see your friend? I wouldn't be bothered id just get on with it"... then they're not your friends 

oh indeed, i noticed that alot. 

i think this is due to the fact they get so many friends and can replace 1 friend with 100 others very easily and have no problem getting new friends like that, so they take friends and bonds for granted, they are disposable to them.

where as we cant so easily get friends or new bonds, getting 1 friend is a very rare thing for us, and so we dont take them for granted, we become more attached and dont wanna let go of any, because we know we cant replace them and they are rarer for us to have.

when you have many of a thing you take it for granted, but when you dont have it then you know its value more and are willing to keep a tight hold onto it. and thats likely why we have more importance on bonds.

Thank you, Caelus. It is not how I perceive things because I think it's a bit more complicated, but I appreciate the input and the poetry of it. 

For us, maybe, the bond never goes away. I resonate with that. But to "NT's"... I don't know. The bonding for them seems to happen naturally but they don't seem to place as much importance on it, like it can be dismissed far more easily than we can let it go. From my experience.

Stephen said:

It was only yesterday, when the thought of losing someone precious to me

and i dont even think anyone can possibly help in any way, but ill still try, consider it a challenge to the system that claims it can help people. i call their bluff, they cant help, theres no way of helping, and even if they cant help then i do some good by exposing their inability to help or change these things, and if they do help then its a positive good change i wanted...either way its all good, getting help or exposing the system as incompetent which then shows that the system instead would need to improve and change, either way each outcome has some form of progress.

meh, i dont really care personally.... i dont even know if ill be diagnosed as autistic, but what i do know is what life has been like for me and i just dont give a toss what the label is called. it can be something else entirely different but i sure know i cant fit in or get on in life, so i care more for condition and a fix rather than whatever society calls it or whether a different label will be slapped on instead. more interested in what they can do to help more than what they call the thing.

Hi Ultramarine,

I was diagnosed this year at the age of 56. I always knew there was "something" different about me that I could not understand. I am still trying to undersatand what this diagnosis means to "ME"?

But I have to say there are a lot of people on here that have helped me and continue to do so, so done ever be afraid to ask questions to gain an understanding. It will be different for everyone, but you will find that there are similarities tha a lot of people relate to. For me it is still a process, a discovery of the real me, which can be difficult. However, I have learned, that regardless of anyone else, I now realise that this is a "Part" of me and that it has answered some questions, but raises more! I mean that in a good way. I realise I can not change the past, but I can now live in and understand The Moment, which hopefully will only improve my own understanding.

So I suppose what I am saying, is, regardless of your diagnosis, you are "YOU" and that is what makes you unique..  I hope you find reassurance and understanding here... Welcome.

I feverishly researched autistic traits, once I had realised that I might be autistic. It largely produced a sense of euphoria in me, all the things I did or felt that seemed odd had a reason and were explicable; plus there were other people whose inner nature and experiences were similar to mine. It was just wonderful. The only anxiety I had was in the run up to my clinical assessment, and that was just that I might fail to be diagnosed as autistic, and be fobbed off with some other condition. That did make me quite anxious, particularly as I had no previous experience of psychiatry or psychology and had never previously broached my fairly constant mild depression and more serious anxiety problems with any clinician.

My journey of self discovery has been going on since I realised, well, that there was an "I". I have always surrounded my self with people on the spectrum because their serenity and logic matched my own. But I would deny that I was on the spectrum because I thought autism was one thing for everyone (lack of eye contact, not knowing how people feel) and I can SEE that people are feeling things about things, i don't know why they're feeling it but I can see it, therefore I excluded myself from the label.

I'm intelligent and over time I learnt that if I just say "I don't understand that connection you're making there but I can fix this problem you have so you can stop feeling this way" then people would perceive it more as a strength and say that they envied my point of you... that doesn't help with the bonding process though.

It was only yesterday, when the thought of losing someone precious to me, forced me to evaluate myself through others' eye. And it struck me, I am on the spectrum. And i wept... HARD. Things just started making sense. childhood memories locked away entitled "painful and incalculable" come rushing to the surface and began filing into the right places. I feel good now.

So maybe your journey will come to a climax and everything will fit into place, or maybe your journey is different. There is a passage that resonated with my situation "Self diagnosis or self-identification is achieved through the hard work of figuring out who you are. It doesn’t tend to happen in a vacuum but off the back of a traumatic or stressful event that has blown apart your coping mechanisms. So you’re dealing with the fallout of that as well. When you manage to work through it all, that’s when the growth happens. No-one else can do that for you and it’s something to be proud of."

I dont think i can say more than that. hope this helps.