Autism Stole my Life

Thanks for that. I think I lost my sensitivity to excessive light flying a small knackered Cessna in Florida one summer in the nineties...

The technical qualities of L.E.D's does mean they can make an LED light source of virtually any hue and intensity, It's then just a case of adding a diffuser to make it a diffuse rather than multiple point source of light.

I'm sure that given time you will eventually come across an led light source that you find you like. Over this workbench I have an ex industrial led 5 foot flour fitting and a similar sized but much lower power 12v system of DIY "emergency lighting" which I fall back on when I prefer a little less illumination. That works well for me.

I will confess it has been a very long time since putting the toilet light on at night hurt my eyes like it used to when I was younger...

Our biological senses are tools for calculation. Some of us are much more sensitive to the sources transmitting output. Lights, sounds, textures, etc. Apparently, Lacan theorised ASD individuals have a difficulty with defence mechanisms - survival mechanisms designed to shield our natural vulnerabilities, suppress natural instincts or help construct civilised society by maturing the ego. So, being more sensitive to sensory perception and unable to just De-Sensitise like most Neuro-Typicals might with their defence mechanisms, unnatural lighting 'feels' grating - to the degree where after too long I might lash back out at the oppressing source! 

That's one explanation. If you're interested a rabbit hole of googling why LEDs give humans headaches can be a lovely afternoon of distraction. :)

Interesting question. I knew from being a child that I liked the warmth and physical sensations of being physically close to another person or cat.

BUT many forms of NT "intimacy" are ritual  (A.K.A. "not real") which I definitely did not like. If I liked someone enough to want to initiate a hug then it adds enough reality to the process, to make it acceptable to me. Accepting hugs when offered came a little slower.. 

The book introduces the wonderful concept of "transactional analysis, which I found very useful indeed. It gave me insight into me and also into THEM.

Many things considered, I believe that I was harmed when I "checked out" of society and lived in a harsh environment alone. After much consideration, I would not recommend doing so: one loses more than one gains.

You brought up an excellent questions: are monks autistic to a greater number than otherwise?

The monks who live the closest to me are Benedictine monks who wear black robes. Most have taken vows to remain silent, at meals, at prayer, at work in the gardens. I have visited Monastery of Christ in the Desert twice, and I only talked with the gate keeper: the person that interacts with the public when people visit. There is no way that I can observe them and interact with them to judge if they are autistic--- though I am not qualified to make that assessment.

Thank you for your excellent observations about how different autistic people and other people tend to be: your insights should be contemplated, and I will do so.

Many years ago I sometimes went to a bar after work, even thought I never drank alcohol, and I observed how people interact so well---- specifically between women and men. They made it look so bloody easy, yet it utterly baffled me. Indeed, I still find it mystifying. I could not see "how they did it," even though I was intensely watching. They just seemed to.... "merge" is the word ... as if they were mages using magic.

Though I was unaware that I was autistic at the time, I realised that the likelihood that someone I was attracted to would outright say that she was attracted to me was essentially non-existent ....

I grieve for your young innocence. You applied logic and reason to that which eschews intellect over emotions. Good gods, what a hard lesson to learn! In a better society, people would just come out and say how they feel for others.

Yet I also learned that with autistic people they might not understand what a potential mate has said when they profess interest. In my experience a woman can bluntly state they are interested, but my autistic mind did not know what she meant.

People talk and write about how autistic people tend to be "blind" to some social cues; we do not notice the cues that other people notice and find obvious.

First, I wish to thank you for the time and care you took to reply.I have copied your reply and printed to paper, as I wish to take some of your advice, re: advocacy and challenging the myths about autism.

I would like to begin by commenting that your conveyance of the pain you have endured, so eloquently expressed, was a delight to read. This did not diminish your suffering, in any respect, your writing was, instead, powerful and enlightening.

Thank you. I can now see the "humor" of a woman taking my odd (autistic) behavior as a sign of disinterest, even as I stood next to her and burned with desire hot enough to set the entire world on fire. I still grieve, but not because I lost what I never had. I grieve because it was my last and only hope for what might have been. I presume this is common among most people, as not an autistic behavior. It stings and amuses: how very odd humans are.

I personally would love to be able to make a difference. I work with young children who have autism, and long for a rewriting of text book techniques,  written by those who ( no fault of their own) have limited understanding of the internal experiences of those on the spectrum. Unfortunately I have come to realise that I am a butterfly, and lack the focus required.

If you have helped someone see within themselves some of their accomplishments and talents, then you *HAVE* ",made a difference."

As you noted, some of the misconceptions about autistic people are so incorrect that it would be wrong to not challenge them and thus correct them. I shall ponder the issue.

However, I guess the phrase "A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool," comes into play, and those who who are wise never feel like they are wise, because they understand that they cannot know everything,

Thank you for your insightful reply. Alas, I fell the fool throughout most of the day. :-( If you were to observe me for a day you would be convinced that I am a fool, and dim of wit. Perhaps the only time I feel wise is when I am writing. As far as I know, there is no metric for what is called "wisdom," but I know it generally happens when one lived several decades.

A funny thing about Anomic Aphasia: several decades I heard the phrase and an example I my mind did an "AH HAH! THAT EXPLAINS IT!" because I struggled with nouns and pronouns. I then forgot the phrase, so that when I tried to discuss the problem with general physicians they did not know what I was talking about.

It is my presumption that general medical practitioners do not know much about neurological issues unless they have heard about the most common ones. With Anomic Aphasia a person *such as myself) can (and usually do) speak clearly, easily, and like an average person, yet verbally "slam into a wall" and be unable to speak because a noun "just vanished" from the ability to speak. This will confuse most medical practitioners, I presume, because it is only nouns and pronouns that are difficult, plus it does not always happen.

Thank you for you thoughtful reply. I will get a copy of GAMES PEOPLE PLAY, as I have not heard of the book before.

It is also wonderful to learn that "internet dating" works for some people, such as yourself.  There are many hundreds of "dating sites" that are fake: they use software to create fake names, append fake profile images to the accounts, and append standard bio entries to the profiles.

I am wondering how long it took you to get used to hugging. How do you manage to accept the intimacy?

I'm guessing but it might be that LEDs are much brighter and can be unpleasant for autistic people. When my parents replaced all their lighting with LEDs I found it very unpleasant and too bright.

What's wrong with the Light Emitting Diodes? I may be being dense, but the last line doesn't make sense to me. 

It is very much lonely here. I have been living here 21 years when February 2022 comes.

Greetings yet again. You are of course right--- I do not wish to be mercantile. I do not know of a way to get a copy to you for free. The title is DESERT SOLILOQUY: A PERFECTLY SANE MISANTHROPE HIDES IN THE DESERT. Several professionals have praised the memoir, and called it "unique." You might like to read the reviews on amazon. com

As for working together, I would not take your money because I am not in the business. But if you would like me to give me two sample chapters (the first and the second) somehow, I will give to you my brutal, blunt, naked, raw opinions and and state exactly what is right and what is wrong. You might wish to set me on fire after you see my critique.

I do not know how to exchange email addresses.

There are lovely old movies with interesting humans who always use a pocket square when shaking hands with others. 

I'm the sort who has tried to find how to make my eccentrics... interesting. I hate the way I speak sometimes - it's too intense. I'll go on about the physics of some absurd element and have learned to follow it up now (when I catch myself) with a 'wow! how fantastically boring!' which eases a great deal of situations. Go big or go home, right? I'm a fan of aesthetics which can turn the oddest of oddities into something which NTs only wished they possessed. I've spent time finding out how to be even more indulgent with my strangeness. 

But I am also single. As a female, I found myself in too many abusive situations. And some good but overbearing. As I got older, I began to love not being irritated with someone else's nonsense in my space. They're demands and expectations. I think many of us would love to find connexion. Is the grass always greener? I think it is truly difficult to find someone who is respectful and understanding and steadfast, most cannot handle vulnerability.  But then I can't say I've mastered this art!! My father sometimes tells me he wishes he was single. How sad that must be for my step mother, but he's loyal to a fault. My mother remarried a few times and the last one cheated on her for 10 years. How do you not know? I think it's contributed to her illnesses & medication intake. I don't envy them, but I do wish I could find someone who won't buy LEDs or lie to me about sensory objects. The world is a strange place.

Sounds peaceful, but would definitely make it hard to meet people in real life! I agree this is a very good forum.

Oddly enough, i have considered living in a cave, or rather hole in the ground in the forest.  I even went through teaching myself all the plants etc i could eat, which were medicinal and what to avoid.  You imply it isn't a good thing and yet, the rest of the world hasn't been that great for me either.  There are things in society I'm not yet ready to give up on, but it will be an option for me when all eventually goes to pot.

Living alone in a cave for 28 months sounds like an interesting story. I have sometimes pondered about whether Christian monks and Buddhist/Hindus who went to live alone on an island or in a cave were on the spectrum. In general, these were people who eschewed the society they lived in and chose a life without relationships. They spent time meditating or reading a lot, and in some cases took vows of silence.

It is something I've sometimes felt a longing for - to just leave everything and everyone behind and live quiet life of solitude for some time, although 28 months is a very long time!

Shy David said:

It is difficult and painful to be inflamed with desire for someone, burning with passion and adore just to be around that person, and keeping the craving secret, unspoken, and unexpressed--- suppressing and hiding one's feelings because one knows not have any idea how to express them in ways that are considered appropriate.

You just described a large part of my 20s. It's very wrong of people to say autistic people don't feel emotion. We do, we can feel it very strongly but have difficult expressing it or knowing how to deal with it. Being in love with someone but not understanding the social norms or how to read signals or play the games people play is truly maddening. It's like trying to analyse an enormous equation that can never actually be solved because too many variables are unknown.

Shy David said:

You must be utterly exhausted trying to "be normal:" but that is, I have found, a path to mental illness. One cannot be what one is not (ask any homosexual who tried to "be heterosexual:" it maims the sense of self, and the sense of self-respect.

You are right. I spent most of my life despising myself and suffering from depression or dysthymia, forever trying to be something I was not. It was only in the last few years that my autism diagnosis became apparent and it has actually helped me to accept myself more. I wish I could have known earlier in my life - hatred of yourself is no way to live.

You have a real talent for writing. I love reading your posts. You express things eloquently and poignantly and I think I could learn a lot from you.

Neurotypicals send and receive signals that autistic people have difficulties with. Initial exchanges in what can become romantic relationships are based around these signals. Therefore, for neurotypicals, the groundwork of finding out that mutual attraction exists is done well before the 'first date' is arranged. I have realised, days, months or even years after a situation that might have led to romance had passed, that a woman was attracted to me. This is obviously very frustrating, Though I was unaware that I was autistic at the time, I realised that the likelihood that someone I was attracted to would outright say that she was attracted to me was essentially non-existent  and that I needed to make myself emotionally vulnerable. I made it obvious that I was attracted to my now wife of nearly 25 years, who remarked at how open and honest I was, and, obviously, it worked. It took a great deal of moral courage, but being so patently useless at neurotypical flirting, it was the only method I could envisage succeeding.  'Making obvious' in this context is through talking and being open about ones feelings, not professing undying love on a first date, or buying inappropriately lavish gifts. That would tend to scare the recipient. As autistic people, we present challenges to our loved-ones, but we have good features too, we tend to be loyal, accepting, diligent and kind. Unfortunately, I think that autistic people, because we are handicapped by reduced abilities in non-verbal (and sometimes verbal as well) communication, have to make ourselves unusually emotionally vulnerable to succeed in initiating romantic relationships.

Dear Shy David,

I would like to begin by commenting that your conveyance of the pain you have endured, so eloquently expressed, was a delight to read. This did not diminish your suffering, in any respect, your writing was, instead, powerful and enlightening. 

In light of your aptitude for the written word, your understanding of how diverse and multifaceted we monkeys are, could you not find purpose in advocacy? To write in the wonderfully delightful way that comes so naturally to you, it would be a gift to others if you felt that perhaps you could advocate for others, and yourself. Educating, teaching, and making a difference. 

There are many misconceptions of autism,  unfortunately taught through text books. It would be a huge service to yourself, and others, if you would consider putting your penmanship to advocating for those who have no voice of their own.

I only make this suggestion to you as a means of finding purpose moving forwards in your life. To bring a reasoning to your difficult experiences. 

I personally would love to be able to make a difference. I work with young children who have autism, and long for a rewriting of text book techniques,  written by those who ( no fault of their own) have limited understanding of the internal experiences of those on the spectrum. Unfortunately I have come to realise that I am a butterfly, and lack the focus required. 

Please forgive me for this lengthy comment, and perhaps what may appear to be a shove down a path I know that I cannot walk.

I wish you well.