Published on 12, July, 2020
By the time I was 13 years old I knew that I would forever be alone--- no spouse, no "girlfriends," no hope for romance, and no hope for love. This was obvious because I knew I was the only orange monkey in the monkey cage, and I was brutalized because I was (and am) "strange."
If I were capable of feeling hate I would write "I hate being autistic."
I do, however, utterly detest being autistic: autism has robbed me of my life. Autism took from me the chance of finding a woman who found me worthy of standing by her side, as two equal partners. What autism left for me in exchange was 61 years of a loneliness so suffocating, so ravenous, so crushing of spirit that I longed for death --- only my brother's compassion stayed my hand.
I loathe my inability speak nouns and pronouns when I am talking with people face to face: the Anomic Aphasia kicks in and I struggle to say the names of objects (that includes humans) , nor the names of places. My mind knows the word but I cannot speak it: try having a successful job interview when the evaluator believes you are on drugs--- I sound like I am choking because I am.
I abhor my inability to remember something that I heard mere seconds ago.
I deplore the way I rock side to side when I sit; rock on my feet side to side when standing in line at the grocery store; spinning on my heals to release some of the anxiety I collect when I am among the humans.
A few days ago (Monday June 14, 2021) my councilor (via telephone) told me that I "still have around twenty years left; there is still time to find love." I shivered with dread. I do not want to live another twenty years with painful eyes because I am required to look at people's eyes (it is agony for me). Twenty more years of strangers insisting that I must "shake hands." Twenty more years of strangers calling me by my first name--- as if we were already intimate.
Twenty more years of being macerated in the vicious jaws of loneliness.
It is a wonder that I have not been driven insane. Yet.
Alas, the fine lady flew to England and out of my life, then got married. :-(
Gosh, she is married now with two children. I think she thought my ignorance and inexperience was disinterest.
Thank you for your kind reply. I live and work on a cattle ranch in a remote and isolated part of the Northern New Mexico canyon lands. I have not the time to visit Santa Fe whenever I wish to--- I am one of three people who live here, with the nearest neighbor many miles away.
I have looked at some forums where autism is discussed, and this site appears to be the best.
Well I suppose the contemplating on life, observing what is reality, and eschewing irrational beliefs, is what wisdom is all about. So technically, you are wise. However, I guess the phrase "A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool," comes into play, and those who who are wise never feel like they are wise, because they understand that they cannot know everything, and that there's always questions that are unanswered.
Also Anomic Aphasia is something new and intriguing to me that I've never heard of before either. So many people experience things that I can't even begin to fathom, but reading and hearing stories makes me have at least some idea about how it's like.
It's a real bugger, that not being able to read people or situations! Go back, if you can and share the cosmic joke with the lady...
Your last paragraph described my 20's to a tee, until I happened upon the book "Games People Play" (I'm sorry for those who have read this recommendation before, but the book saved my life). It lays out much of how we all work, neuro typicals and 'spergs alike in clear and easy to understand terms.
IN my case I learned to enjoy hugs and keep myself always fairly clean and not bad smelling, so I could exchange an embrace if the opportunity was available, and leave a decent impression. I learned a lot about my own bad habits. The secret is to resolve not to "change instantly", but to consider any unpleasant truths one learns about oneself over time, so as one is more inclined to acceptance of what one reads.
I'll be honest, I've told of that craving to more women than have taken me up on it, but nowadays we have internet dating!! On the one occasion I tried it, I looked at 400 women's profiles, I found 16 I liked, of which 4 replied, and 19 years later I am with the first one who actually dated me. Hat tip to Harry Lagan who told me once in my youth, "Women are like second hand washing machines... If you want one, just advertise and pick the best that responds to your ad"! He was a very sharp cookie was Harry Lagan..
But I have to say, I've found I am wired up emotionally very much like a cat. I suspect dogs evince a more neurotypical kind of affection and Autists have a more cat like way of relating.
I hope some of this helps, I'm sure the book will, and it's cheap as can be on ebay. You really don't HAVE to be alone as an Autist, is MY experience, but you do have to work at it rather than expecting things to work out like the NT's do.
The reality is that there'll NEVER be honest brokers. Human beings are self-seeking by nature.
Not wanting to breech GDPR but ?Any chance of knowing the title. I’ve done first draft of my dramatic situation in a short book, but need some expertise to get it decent. Interested in working with me? I’d pay your time
Oh David! How long ago? I have to wonder whether she still thinks of you.
Sounds like you feel awful. :( How about meeting other autistic people, as they will understand your differences? As friends and you might also meet a partner. Could start online, with things like social media autism groups.
I am writing my second memoir; my first one was/is popular, as my literary voice is comical. Even one "A-list" writer, who consistently lands on the New York Times best sellers list, mentioned how amazing the writing was.
That is a beautiful poem, though "dark." Your son sees the world as it really is, and I believe that trait is rare.
You are certainly correct, in my opinion, that many autistic people try to join group events (birthday party; barbecue; book club; coworker's events like the company picnic; the list is endless), then long to leave. After they leave, they go back to the event and try again to participate--- and do this a dozen times or so before just giving up.
There was a woman that I loved with a passion that burned from my toes upward. I was aflame with the overwhelming need to feel her naked body in my arms; to feel her breath on my face as we slept; to feel her warm womanhood wrapped around me when we awake. I kept my desire a secret, as I detected no such feelings within her. It was both delight and torture when I saw her daily....
... and then, when we were at a coffee shop, I had a chocolate mocha and she drank something with coffee in it. We sat face-to-face at a small table, talking about current events and what we shared a liking for: books, music, paintings, and the like.
After our drink we went outside and it was time for us to depart to our houses. She stood about three feet away from me, looked me in the eyes, and told me that while we were seated together, all she was really thinking about was to lick the chocolate off of my lips.
She was inviting me to kiss her, but I did not know that until many months later. I just stood there and nodded, with a little smile on my face. I had no idea at all why she said what she had.
Fantastic writing expertise will be embraced somewhere. Random ideas - Online Clubs, U3A, churches, organisations, volunteers?
writing a book?
Hi David,
I read your post earlier today and had to think about what to say in reply. If you'll excuse the irony, I was there lost for words. Sometimes there just isn't a lexicon big enough, or precise enough, to express how a thing affects you. I still don't have the right word...but your post has affected me deeply.
I wish I could just throw out a big ball of universal love in your direction in the hope that you might catch it and that it might comfort you. I think we've all had it hard in some ways; many of us have craved and needed more space alone than most of humanity, and yet have been lonelier than most of humanity; many loving with all our hearts, in spite of it all, the fellow beings who we can't quite connect with and sometimes reject us. Reading both your post and your comments below, you seem to have walked a harder, lonelier road than most and seem to be experiencing something like that a little keener than most.
Some words from a poem my son wrote in his teens come come to mind. I'll leave them with you, you might relate:
"Stutters have fluidity; silent thoughts, a euphony
I'm reading Life's biography; that I might write its eulogy".
I'm crying. Thank you. I've felt so numb for so long.
Alas, I grieve for you. You must be utterly exhausted trying to "be normal:" but that is, I have found, a path to mental illness. One cannot be what one is not (ask any homosexual who tried to "be heterosexual:" it maims the sense of self, and the sense of self-respect.
It is difficult and painful to be inflamed with desire for someone, burning with passion and adore just to be around that person, and keeping the craving secret, unspoken, and unexpressed--- suppressing and hiding one's feelings because one knows not have any idea how to express them in ways that are considered appropriate.
Thank you for such an eloquent and insightful reply. I had no idea that dyscalculia existed! It sounds fascinating from the outside looking in, and a major source of dismay and frustration for people living with it.
You may indeed be correct in concluding my experiences about being autistic have had positive results. My councilor once noted that I am "wise," but I think that is a matter of age as well as contemplation on life and observing what is reality, and eschewing irrational beliefs.
Life is difficult for darnn near everyone. :-( It just just the way things are--- it would be vastly easier if evil humans did not run the planet.
There are different forms of Aphasia: some involve only nouns and pronouns (which I find utterly fascinating); some involve speaking the wrong words, yet believing the words were correct; others have difficulty writing words yet say them correctly.
Evolution does not care about suffering.
It is my boundless hope that no one follow my "path." I lived alone in a cave for 28 months because I could not stand another hour around people: desiring to be among people, meeting women, and meeting interesting people could not be satiated. I lacked all ability to tolerate not participating in love, romance, and social "belonging."
As for Anomic Aphasia, you certainly do describe it well: perhaps you could discuss that with a professional physician. I have read about "speech therapy" that might help.
This breaks my heart to read David. And I can see myself writing something similar in another 30 or 40 years.
It does feel like everything is more difficult for us. I have put so much effort into appearing normal in order to obtain the most basic of things that come easily to others. But relationships is the final mountain that I don't know if I will ever be able to conquer. And sometimes I don't know if I even want to, because it's me that's the problem. I'm the one that's not normal. I wish I could be like everyone else.