Published on 12, July, 2020
By the time I was 13 years old I knew that I would forever be alone--- no spouse, no "girlfriends," no hope for romance, and no hope for love. This was obvious because I knew I was the only orange monkey in the monkey cage, and I was brutalized because I was (and am) "strange."
If I were capable of feeling hate I would write "I hate being autistic."
I do, however, utterly detest being autistic: autism has robbed me of my life. Autism took from me the chance of finding a woman who found me worthy of standing by her side, as two equal partners. What autism left for me in exchange was 61 years of a loneliness so suffocating, so ravenous, so crushing of spirit that I longed for death --- only my brother's compassion stayed my hand.
I loathe my inability speak nouns and pronouns when I am talking with people face to face: the Anomic Aphasia kicks in and I struggle to say the names of objects (that includes humans) , nor the names of places. My mind knows the word but I cannot speak it: try having a successful job interview when the evaluator believes you are on drugs--- I sound like I am choking because I am.
I abhor my inability to remember something that I heard mere seconds ago.
I deplore the way I rock side to side when I sit; rock on my feet side to side when standing in line at the grocery store; spinning on my heals to release some of the anxiety I collect when I am among the humans.
A few days ago (Monday June 14, 2021) my councilor (via telephone) told me that I "still have around twenty years left; there is still time to find love." I shivered with dread. I do not want to live another twenty years with painful eyes because I am required to look at people's eyes (it is agony for me). Twenty more years of strangers insisting that I must "shake hands." Twenty more years of strangers calling me by my first name--- as if we were already intimate.
Twenty more years of being macerated in the vicious jaws of loneliness.
It is a wonder that I have not been driven insane. Yet.
Dear Shy David,
I would like to begin by commenting that your conveyance of the pain you have endured, so eloquently expressed, was a delight to read. This did not diminish your suffering, in any respect, your writing was, instead, powerful and enlightening.
In light of your aptitude for the written word, your understanding of how diverse and multifaceted we monkeys are, could you not find purpose in advocacy? To write in the wonderfully delightful way that comes so naturally to you, it would be a gift to others if you felt that perhaps you could advocate for others, and yourself. Educating, teaching, and making a difference.
There are many misconceptions of autism, unfortunately taught through text books. It would be a huge service to yourself, and others, if you would consider putting your penmanship to advocating for those who have no voice of their own.
I only make this suggestion to you as a means of finding purpose moving forwards in your life. To bring a reasoning to your difficult experiences.
I personally would love to be able to make a difference. I work with young children who have autism, and long for a rewriting of text book techniques, written by those who ( no fault of their own) have limited understanding of the internal experiences of those on the spectrum. Unfortunately I have come to realise that I am a butterfly, and lack the focus required.
Please forgive me for this lengthy comment, and perhaps what may appear to be a shove down a path I know that I cannot walk.
I wish you well.
First, I wish to thank you for the time and care you took to reply.I have copied your reply and printed to paper, as I wish to take some of your advice, re: advocacy and challenging the myths about autism.
Thank you. I can now see the "humor" of a woman taking my odd (autistic) behavior as a sign of disinterest, even as I stood next to her and burned with desire hot enough to set the entire world on fire. I still grieve, but not because I lost what I never had. I grieve because it was my last and only hope for what might have been. I presume this is common among most people, as not an autistic behavior. It stings and amuses: how very odd humans are.
If you have helped someone see within themselves some of their accomplishments and talents, then you *HAVE* ",made a difference."
As you noted, some of the misconceptions about autistic people are so incorrect that it would be wrong to not challenge them and thus correct them. I shall ponder the issue.
Too many Medusas in our World.