Autism Stole my Life

By the time I was 13 years old I knew that I would forever be alone--- no spouse, no "girlfriends," no hope for romance, and no hope for love. This was obvious because I knew I was the only orange monkey in the monkey cage, and I was brutalized because I was (and am) "strange."

If I were capable of feeling hate I would write "I hate being autistic."

I do, however, utterly detest being autistic: autism has robbed me of my life. Autism took from me the chance of finding a woman who found me worthy of standing by her side, as two equal partners. What autism left for me in exchange was 61 years of a loneliness so suffocating, so ravenous, so crushing of spirit that I longed for death --- only my brother's compassion stayed my hand.

I loathe my inability speak nouns and pronouns when I am talking with people face to face: the Anomic Aphasia kicks in and I struggle to say the names of objects (that includes humans) , nor the names of places. My mind knows the word but I cannot speak it: try having a successful job interview when the evaluator believes you are on drugs--- I sound like I am choking because I am.

I abhor my inability to remember something that I heard mere seconds ago.

I deplore the way I rock side to side when I sit; rock on my feet side to side when standing in line at the grocery store; spinning on my heals to release some of the anxiety I collect when I am among the humans.

A few days ago (Monday June 14, 2021) my councilor (via telephone) told me that I "still have around twenty years left; there is still time to find love." I shivered with dread. I do not want to live another twenty years with painful eyes because I am required to look at people's eyes (it is agony for me). Twenty more years of strangers insisting that I must "shake hands." Twenty more years of strangers calling me by my first name--- as if we were already intimate.

Twenty more years of being macerated in the vicious jaws of loneliness.

It is a wonder that I have not been driven insane. Yet.

  • I do have above average DIY and spider handling skills though.

    I'm also a fairly decent listener (sometimes) & I'm kind to animals and children which seems to get me by...

  • LOL! Well, I am ruggedly handsome, and so far it has got for me nothing. :-)

  • I ate a tomato when I was six years old, then was diagnosed autistic.

  • I had exactly the same problem as that bloke, until I realised that I was not in fact, ruggedly handsome...

  • Good gods that sounds horribly regretful. Sadly, I have read about this happening and saw it once at a Neo-pagan community camp out. A woman was clearly attracted to a man, and he was of the "rugged and handsome" type.

    The boys and men participating as a group to talk with the girls and women as a group.The two groups first stated what they believed the other group expected from them romantically. The ruggedly handsome man asked of the men, in anguish, "Why don't women like me?" Yet mere minutes ago he was standing next to a woman who liked him.

    Ugh.

    Then the two groups talked to the about how shocking it was to learn that men had no reality-based idea how women expect them to behave, nor did the women have a reality-based idea what was expected of them.

    It was a shock to see just how *WRONG* each group was when regarding what the other group expected of each other. It was radically different from reality.

    I best recall that the women, as a group, said that men are the ones who should ask women out on a romantic date because men find it much easier to "take rejection better" than women.

    The lesson was and is: men and women should just TALK TO EACH OTHER. Odd that they do not.

  • Too many Medusas in our World.

  • Actually, I have drawn that conclusion; on a personal level. Whenever I was a baby, I received the MMR jab. Then, thirty years ago - aged twelve, my diagnosis was Asperger's Syndrome.

  • Never enter the Jungle without a Guide.

  • A fine example of "Give to us money because autism!"  is Auti$m $peaks. The cult started by claiming vaccines cause autism; the cult now begs for money in the name of "autism research."

  • Sometimes, I have recognised, we can be our own worst enemies. On one occasion, a young woman made it very clear that she was attracted to me, even I could not fail to recognise it. She essentially threw herself at me, and I failed to catch! She was a number of years younger than me, and although I was not her line manager, or in a teaching role as such, I was training her in some scientific techniques. Taken together, these factors convinced my stupid sense of propriety that it would be inappropriate. I still mentally kick myself, as she was intelligent and quite unnervingly physically attractive.

  • Yeah, they do talk so much about "help" don't they? We need to find ways to help our selves..

    Preferably nice and kind ones.

  • *Waves from one state away* Most of the online "resources" I've discovered are thinly veiled attempts to fundraise with little interest in actually helping anyone on the spectrum.

  • I use the conclusions of the professionals, as autism is a neurological disorder much like schizophrenia is.

  • It's not an effing disorder, its a difference!!

    A useful one, on occasion.

  • There is a hypothesis that the Neanderthals had autistic traits: this is based upon the revolutions in industry they discovered. The hypothesis is that autistic people have heightened sensory resolution because the Neanderthals needed sentinels who were comfortable being beyond a community area and by themselves. The ability to detect a threat approaching, and sounding the alarm, would be a "plus."

    However, geneticists believe that autism is a modern genetic disorder.

    Instead of accepting either proposition I choose to accept none

  • I can confirm that it is indeed utterly exhausting . It becomes debilitating when combined with Autistic masking—though I'm still not certain AM is substantively different from Homosexual masking, but is simply an extra layer of masquerade.

    At some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, homosexuals and autistics alike drop the charade and fully experience the gift of neuro and sexual diversity, both of which put us firmly on the outside of the big circus tent. And being outsiders, the scales fall from our eyes and we get to watch all the clowns inside the circus juggling, spinning plates, and firing water cannons at each other. 

    It may not seem it at times, but autism is a blessing. Nor might homosexuality and any other trait that the masses see as 'not normal'. But I would say they are blessings, ones that prevent us from being just another insane person in an already insane society, where conformity, cruelty and ignorance are the three most frequently worshipped deities

  • There is a reason why you buy your child a pet. It's to teach basic "caring & co-existing" skills. 

    The secret to being loved, is simply repetition! It's how my cat changed in one day, from the three years of fearing or disliking me to the currently infinitely more enjoyable relationship we now enjoy.

    I became the centre of his routines for three years and when I took a short holiday, suddenly, he realised a whole lot of his life wasn't the same. People are very much like this too.

    It's not the whole story, but it is a start.  

  • Alas, sunlight is painful to me, and I must wear eye shades and a hat with a brim.

  • Thank you for sharing your experience dealing with "being odd:" it sounds hopeful, though you ended with the sad "I wish I were single" experience of your father.

    I can understand, I believe, how hard it is for most people find someone they can successfully partnership with: your insight that it requires vulnerability --- the nakedness of one's emotions --- to form a lasting romantic partnership.

    It also takes trust,and (if it means anything at all)  I think people trust too easily. Trust must be earned, and never granted. It therefore takes time to create a healthy relationship.

    These are things I have never learned to do.

  • That sounds very frustrating, especially when you're having a conversation with someone, and the word just randomly vanishes, and you can't say what you wanted to say. I can sympathise.

    Speech and language is predominantly on the left hemisphere of the brain. I've watched videos about split brains, where the bridge between the left and right sides of the brain are severed (I'm not saying you have this though) and there's interesting experiments performed on these individuals, like with word recognition, item recognition, and so on. I think the connections of the brain are fascinating to look into.