2 weeks until assessment - hurtling between 'this is beautiful' and abject terror

Thank you.

Hi JJ,

Hope everything goes well for you - the whole process of diagnosis (or identification) is one which provokes a lot of reflection.

I will admit that there is a sense of authenticity (in my experience at least) which you get from an 'official' diagnosis, even though we know that diagnoses are fallible attempts to detect autism and incredibly far from perfect. I've found that a professional identification/diagnosis provides opportunities to make sense of my life and past in such a way that has enriched my life and given me greater understanding of myself, my limits as well as my strengths.

That being said, I wouldnt think in terms of the binary 'everything will change' or 'nothing will change' - finding out whether you are or are not autistic gives you opportunities to reinterpret the past and think about the future and I've found, as I've heard many others say, while it does make a big difference, almost paradoxically, a diagnosis doesn't change all that much - you will be exactly how you were beforehand, except being equipped with more knowledge.

Thank you.

I went through the motions at 22 i waited 1 year for mine due to backlog, I could say what the tests are like but i think it's best you don't assume anything you will do fine. Don't live and die by what they diagnoses you with seek a 2nd and 3rd opinion if you wish and want to myself the diagnosis did nothing more than give me more questions than answers.

Glad I'm not the only one that happens to !!! 

Thanks.

Just information research I guess. And I have a lot transferable thinking skills that are really obvious to me but other people seem to lap up - I can/should use these to ease the rampant scramble/tangle in my mind when it's scaring the hell out of me.

The other tools:

But then there is another magical thing that seems to happen sometimes if I just half listen to what people are saying and allow myself to be guided (by an actual person) or just gently 'be' with myself without any of all the baggage, and see without looking. Properly being in nature with trees and birds and my dog, for example. And I sort of feel exposed but it's not relevant just for a tiny little while.

Difficult to explain to be honest - and I *really* don't understand.

And then I have to get on with acting out some (any!) role in the shared metaphorical 'reality' where nothing and nobody makes full sense to me (and I am a bit burned out with trying) but at least some stuff actually happens and it can be fun if I just let it - and loads of people seem to talk about stuff on these kind of forums that reflects the way my mind has always worked since I was a kid.

Thank you for the advice on the assessment.

Mine only seemed to be there for the payday...

In terms of support, if you have anyone you love who will come, just take them irrespective of relationship. Diagnostic psychiatry whilst only carried out by the most expensive of people, is mostly a set of procedures, and tasks set to the candidate, and the Professionals are just there to do it right. It's actually helping people that takes real skill and dedication... 

IF you do have enough Autism to qualify, or whether you don't, is far less important than getting the question answered one way or another. The assessor's biases and inclinations (or whether they "like" you) is really quite unimportant. Just do what they ask, without making any special effort that you would not normally do, and just see how it goes.  

what are these tools you mentioned ?

in regards to your assessment 

think of the assessors in this way

they really understand autism 

they will be very nice and kind

they do these assessments all the time so they are very familar with all the traits

they are here to help you locate your issues and give you feedback on what they find

interesting  

I'll need a BIG HAT. Like the North Koreans but less restrained in it's peakiness.

I'm also old and grossly unfit, so I'll need to start at field officer level, of course.

Sillyness aside, I am interested in anything that uses our potential to it's fullest, and minimises the frictions we encounter, for everyone's sake. As an Autistic Army we will of course ALWAYS be outnumbered, so we must train for assymettric warfare.

Adhesives, ball bearings and marbles of all kinds (in quantity) will serve us far better in the coming conflict, than any amount of "semtex" or the Americans beloved firearms...

An Assymetrric Autist Army Reserve, AAAR!!

its really peculiar i actually want an Autistic Army Reserve it would be known as the Rainbow regiment ( copying a USA regiment ) . It would be European wide so as u have a bigger pool of recruits but it would be a logistics based army based on the British army TA ( fulltime & parttime volunteers )

Ideally there would be no age limits to allow late diagnosed.

would u join ?

Good luck, I think it's normal to be kind of scared and excited at the same time. I'm sure you have the right idea that you just need to be yourself for once. Hopefully it will be a liberating experience :)

I always have a fall back food, that I can 'just eat' any time that horrible "I'm hungry and can't choose" state appears...

At such times, for me anyway, speed and simplicity trumps "correct diet" every time.  

Thank you.
I need to dial it down a bit. I have years of (internalised) stigma against (a particular other name for) Autism and a lot of practice shouting at myself - I should know better.

I seem to have very many of the tools but afraid to use them.

Thank you so much for sharing that. It was really calming and emotive and I feel very positive for you too!

Thank you.

I love your option acronyms! I have pages and pages of OT1H / OTOH decisions, unfortunately it gets a bit out of hand with too many process types (narrator, moderator, abrogator, live monologue, post hoc analysis, add some humor guy etc etc)... and then at the bottom I'll say 'just do it...'

Unfortunately, if I don't pay attention, I can end up with no dinner because there is a big Tesco and a little Tesco - oops and it's actually not funny being hungry and confused.

In IT there are a lot of useful concepts: anti-pattern is a great one, same as you're saying 'failure mode'

I approve of anything that helps my fellow Autists avoid spending us much time being miserable and self loathing as I have in the past. When I see one of you hurting, and think I have the correct tool in my fairly large bag, TO FIX THAT ISSUE, unlike with physical tools, it costs me nothing but a little bit of typing to share the tool.

As I type this, I can hear Annie Lennox (In my head) singing "sweet dreams are made of this" and it feels like my subconscious chiming in, with it's own contribution.

Ever since I read some Jung back when I was a teenager trying to understand "what was wrong with me", and decided I wanted such a powerful entity in my head to be my friendly servant, and not my master, it likes to interact in more positive ways than some do. I can chuck it my complicated problems, and I often get good solutions appear "as if from nowhere". IT a separate adn self awre part of me, I'm in two minds about that...

When a couple of decades back I realised that I was living inside of a wonderful animal, which has no self awareness whatsoever outside of a basic desire to implement in the physical world as much as what I think as it can! Whilst doing a shedload of "housekeeping tasks, eating, drinking, fighting covid and other illnesses, repairing the constant damage from my smoking, and other mistreatments (like IDLENESS, excessive stressing, excessive consumption of confectionary, etc.) I became my own walking trinity! Now I try and treat the body as if it were my beloved pet. I give it more of what it needs, I comfort and will always quietly reassure a burn (that kind reassurance makes minor injuries heal much faster if you do it honestly and with genuine sympathy for the poorly thing).

That bit about comforting your own injuries is one of the good things my Dad passed on to me, credit where credit is due. 

After all, I want our Autistic Army Reserve (has to be a "reserve" to make the acronym amusing) to be up for the task of conquest!  

i love the zen reference so u do approve afterall

Yeah, that seems to happen. My daughter talks to me like I'm a half-wit mostly, and points out my peculiarities with glee. I just remind her that she carries my genes... But the banter stops real quick if either of us realises that the other one actually NEEDS the other, so it's all good.