Published on 12, July, 2020
Of course, I am missing the point somewhere but that seems to be the nature of things...
I'm 41, there are two weeks until first phase of assessment and i am yo-yo ing between 'I can't wait' and 'holy hell, if I am wrong about this my whole new worldview is a massive poisoned lie'
It seems like even the most well intentioned people in my life, including most trusted family and friends (some of whom tell me they are Autistic) and even non-specialist therapist, are either accidentally - or on purpose for sure in a few cases - knocking me of my comfortable little perch into an abyss that I alone have to walk my way out of.
I really feel that this is totally unnecessary but... as others have mentioned ... I need the bit of paper that says 'ASD/Autism/ND' on it so I can stop holding my breath and deal with whatever consequences might come of that. Probably not a lot will happen but just in case, everyone seems to be telling me that I might be wrong and that's kicking me right down to ground zero...
There is an 'onsite' element to the assessment and supposedly I ought to be bringing some support:
my parents are about 80 - it's unfair to ask them - possible/probable got their own issues . My sister has a full on family life and job - it's unfair to ask her. Psychotherapist says "bring your dog with you for support" - excitable (6 stone athletic) dog requires additional strand of my focus to keep him calm in new situations, let alone me. I say: what the hell can be so staggering that it muted with some Valium and a bit of time - or half a dozen coffees as the case may be...
I am so convinced that all I need to do is turn up and be as authentic as possible for 2 minutes with all the hand flapping externalisations and non-vocal brain farts that i tried sooo hard not to show to anybody, ever - even on my own at home - for so long; and they'll pat me on the head and say well done and I can go home now thanks.
And either it is - or it isn't - or it's something fuzzy in between but whatever I imagine it to be, it definitely is not....
And I'm going to the forest to tell that to some trees, in private tomorrow morning.
Sorry to bother y'all.
I got my insight after taking an online aspergers test, then soon after official diagnosis when I was 59.
Guess what? It changes nothing unless you let it. (getting a bit zen here I know., but stick with me :~)
OT1H (On the one hand) it means that some things will NEVER GET ANY BETTER FOR ME! (But at least I know now...)
OTOH The knowledge will allow me to avoid certain failure modes from now on, and I found out who my "tribe" is at last.
At least I have a condition which features some very positive traits as well as some issues. Hell, it could be so much worse, I could have turned out to be a normie!!
i love the zen reference so u do approve afterall
interesting
I'll need a BIG HAT. Like the North Koreans but less restrained in it's peakiness.
I'm also old and grossly unfit, so I'll need to start at field officer level, of course.
Sillyness aside, I am interested in anything that uses our potential to it's fullest, and minimises the frictions we encounter, for everyone's sake. As an Autistic Army we will of course ALWAYS be outnumbered, so we must train for assymettric warfare.
Adhesives, ball bearings and marbles of all kinds (in quantity) will serve us far better in the coming conflict, than any amount of "semtex" or the Americans beloved firearms...
An Assymetrric Autist Army Reserve, AAAR!!
its really peculiar i actually want an Autistic Army Reserve it would be known as the Rainbow regiment ( copying a USA regiment ) . It would be European wide so as u have a bigger pool of recruits but it would be a logistics based army based on the British army TA ( fulltime & parttime volunteers )
Ideally there would be no age limits to allow late diagnosed.
would u join ?
I approve of anything that helps my fellow Autists avoid spending us much time being miserable and self loathing as I have in the past. When I see one of you hurting, and think I have the correct tool in my fairly large bag, TO FIX THAT ISSUE, unlike with physical tools, it costs me nothing but a little bit of typing to share the tool.
As I type this, I can hear Annie Lennox (In my head) singing "sweet dreams are made of this" and it feels like my subconscious chiming in, with it's own contribution.
Ever since I read some Jung back when I was a teenager trying to understand "what was wrong with me", and decided I wanted such a powerful entity in my head to be my friendly servant, and not my master, it likes to interact in more positive ways than some do. I can chuck it my complicated problems, and I often get good solutions appear "as if from nowhere". IT a separate adn self awre part of me, I'm in two minds about that...
When a couple of decades back I realised that I was living inside of a wonderful animal, which has no self awareness whatsoever outside of a basic desire to implement in the physical world as much as what I think as it can! Whilst doing a shedload of "housekeeping tasks, eating, drinking, fighting covid and other illnesses, repairing the constant damage from my smoking, and other mistreatments (like IDLENESS, excessive stressing, excessive consumption of confectionary, etc.) I became my own walking trinity! Now I try and treat the body as if it were my beloved pet. I give it more of what it needs, I comfort and will always quietly reassure a burn (that kind reassurance makes minor injuries heal much faster if you do it honestly and with genuine sympathy for the poorly thing).
That bit about comforting your own injuries is one of the good things my Dad passed on to me, credit where credit is due.
After all, I want our Autistic Army Reserve (has to be a "reserve" to make the acronym amusing) to be up for the task of conquest!