Published on 12, July, 2020
Of course, I am missing the point somewhere but that seems to be the nature of things...
I'm 41, there are two weeks until first phase of assessment and i am yo-yo ing between 'I can't wait' and 'holy hell, if I am wrong about this my whole new worldview is a massive poisoned lie'
It seems like even the most well intentioned people in my life, including most trusted family and friends (some of whom tell me they are Autistic) and even non-specialist therapist, are either accidentally - or on purpose for sure in a few cases - knocking me of my comfortable little perch into an abyss that I alone have to walk my way out of.
I really feel that this is totally unnecessary but... as others have mentioned ... I need the bit of paper that says 'ASD/Autism/ND' on it so I can stop holding my breath and deal with whatever consequences might come of that. Probably not a lot will happen but just in case, everyone seems to be telling me that I might be wrong and that's kicking me right down to ground zero...
There is an 'onsite' element to the assessment and supposedly I ought to be bringing some support:
my parents are about 80 - it's unfair to ask them - possible/probable got their own issues . My sister has a full on family life and job - it's unfair to ask her. Psychotherapist says "bring your dog with you for support" - excitable (6 stone athletic) dog requires additional strand of my focus to keep him calm in new situations, let alone me. I say: what the hell can be so staggering that it muted with some Valium and a bit of time - or half a dozen coffees as the case may be...
I am so convinced that all I need to do is turn up and be as authentic as possible for 2 minutes with all the hand flapping externalisations and non-vocal brain farts that i tried sooo hard not to show to anybody, ever - even on my own at home - for so long; and they'll pat me on the head and say well done and I can go home now thanks.
And either it is - or it isn't - or it's something fuzzy in between but whatever I imagine it to be, it definitely is not....
And I'm going to the forest to tell that to some trees, in private tomorrow morning.
Sorry to bother y'all.
I so love what you typed
"OTOH The knowledge will allow me to avoid certain failure modes from now on, and I found out who my "tribe" is at last.
At least I have a condition which features some very positive traits as well as some issues. Hell, it could be so much worse, I could have turned out to be a normie!!"
- its so very true, I'm going to remember what you've said !!!! I said to my daughter a few years back "I like that I'm a bit odd ...I'd hate to be normal....I wont ever be normal will I ???!!!!" She just said "Oh Mum, being normal is something you will never have to worry about" !!! I sometimes feel my offspring parent me these days !!!
I got my insight after taking an online aspergers test, then soon after official diagnosis when I was 59.
Guess what? It changes nothing unless you let it. (getting a bit zen here I know., but stick with me :~)
OT1H (On the one hand) it means that some things will NEVER GET ANY BETTER FOR ME! (But at least I know now...)
OTOH The knowledge will allow me to avoid certain failure modes from now on, and I found out who my "tribe" is at last.
At least I have a condition which features some very positive traits as well as some issues. Hell, it could be so much worse, I could have turned out to be a normie!!
I think it is normal to feel like you describe ! I am having a private assessment because I cannot go to my GP at 52yrs and ask him for testing, I mean I know that legally I can....but myself, I just cant and this assessment is all on zoom so I dont have to stress about travel. I filled in my Early Years form and emailed it off to the doctor three weeks ago and have been anxious and over thinking it ever since, especially as this is costly, and I am so grateful that my husband has agreed I can do this, but so guilty because of the cost involved and what if it comes back and I dont have autism - what if I'm just weird ...without a reason....and I spent all that money! Anyway, today was the first step and the doctor rang for a chat about what I had put on my form and the next steps. She said to me that she designed the form with colleagues 15 years ago and what they do at work (she is also in the NHS sector) after studying the forms is place them into three piles: Definitely Autistic, Not Autistic and Possibly Autistic if they went on to have a full assessment. She said often there were some people in the Possibly Autistic pile and out of those who chose to continue on with the full assessment only one had turned out not to be ASD. Then she said "you are in the Definitely Autistic pile" - if you wish to continue with the full assessment I can guarantee you will have an official diagnosis.
I felt such a feeling of relief !!!!! Yay !!!! I'm not wasting our money !!!! Yes, I'll definitely have the full assessment !!!!
Then I felt a bit shell shocked. Because up until my sons Asperger's diagnosis at Uni two years ago I had never, ever given autism a second thought - I always thought I was an anxious sort, but an incredibly normal and sensible person and viewed most other people as "weird, and hard to understand" ...so I then had this OH NO !!!! I'M THE WEIRD ONE lightbulb moment.
So I hope everything speeds up for you soon, and sorry to ramble on but I just wanted you know know that, like many others on here, I totally understand what you are feeling !!! And now, I just have to wait till August 13th for the full assessment !
Thank you.
Hey, you're not bothering any one. I, and a fair few other folks here, I'm sure, will all be going through the very same thing soon enough and with some of the same apprehensions and issues.
Just be totally naturally you and let us know how you find the experience. I, for one, will learn form it.
I hope it works out.
your emotions are normal --- is it really good to know either way or where u are on the spectrum if u are