Published on 12, July, 2020
Of course, I am missing the point somewhere but that seems to be the nature of things...
I'm 41, there are two weeks until first phase of assessment and i am yo-yo ing between 'I can't wait' and 'holy hell, if I am wrong about this my whole new worldview is a massive poisoned lie'
It seems like even the most well intentioned people in my life, including most trusted family and friends (some of whom tell me they are Autistic) and even non-specialist therapist, are either accidentally - or on purpose for sure in a few cases - knocking me of my comfortable little perch into an abyss that I alone have to walk my way out of.
I really feel that this is totally unnecessary but... as others have mentioned ... I need the bit of paper that says 'ASD/Autism/ND' on it so I can stop holding my breath and deal with whatever consequences might come of that. Probably not a lot will happen but just in case, everyone seems to be telling me that I might be wrong and that's kicking me right down to ground zero...
There is an 'onsite' element to the assessment and supposedly I ought to be bringing some support:
my parents are about 80 - it's unfair to ask them - possible/probable got their own issues . My sister has a full on family life and job - it's unfair to ask her. Psychotherapist says "bring your dog with you for support" - excitable (6 stone athletic) dog requires additional strand of my focus to keep him calm in new situations, let alone me. I say: what the hell can be so staggering that it muted with some Valium and a bit of time - or half a dozen coffees as the case may be...
I am so convinced that all I need to do is turn up and be as authentic as possible for 2 minutes with all the hand flapping externalisations and non-vocal brain farts that i tried sooo hard not to show to anybody, ever - even on my own at home - for so long; and they'll pat me on the head and say well done and I can go home now thanks.
And either it is - or it isn't - or it's something fuzzy in between but whatever I imagine it to be, it definitely is not....
And I'm going to the forest to tell that to some trees, in private tomorrow morning.
Sorry to bother y'all.
Hi JJ,
Hope everything goes well for you - the whole process of diagnosis (or identification) is one which provokes a lot of reflection.
I will admit that there is a sense of authenticity (in my experience at least) which you get from an 'official' diagnosis, even though we know that diagnoses are fallible attempts to detect autism and incredibly far from perfect. I've found that a professional identification/diagnosis provides opportunities to make sense of my life and past in such a way that has enriched my life and given me greater understanding of myself, my limits as well as my strengths.
That being said, I wouldnt think in terms of the binary 'everything will change' or 'nothing will change' - finding out whether you are or are not autistic gives you opportunities to reinterpret the past and think about the future and I've found, as I've heard many others say, while it does make a big difference, almost paradoxically, a diagnosis doesn't change all that much - you will be exactly how you were beforehand, except being equipped with more knowledge.
Thank you.