Published on 12, July, 2020
Of course, I am missing the point somewhere but that seems to be the nature of things...
I'm 41, there are two weeks until first phase of assessment and i am yo-yo ing between 'I can't wait' and 'holy hell, if I am wrong about this my whole new worldview is a massive poisoned lie'
It seems like even the most well intentioned people in my life, including most trusted family and friends (some of whom tell me they are Autistic) and even non-specialist therapist, are either accidentally - or on purpose for sure in a few cases - knocking me of my comfortable little perch into an abyss that I alone have to walk my way out of.
I really feel that this is totally unnecessary but... as others have mentioned ... I need the bit of paper that says 'ASD/Autism/ND' on it so I can stop holding my breath and deal with whatever consequences might come of that. Probably not a lot will happen but just in case, everyone seems to be telling me that I might be wrong and that's kicking me right down to ground zero...
There is an 'onsite' element to the assessment and supposedly I ought to be bringing some support:
my parents are about 80 - it's unfair to ask them - possible/probable got their own issues . My sister has a full on family life and job - it's unfair to ask her. Psychotherapist says "bring your dog with you for support" - excitable (6 stone athletic) dog requires additional strand of my focus to keep him calm in new situations, let alone me. I say: what the hell can be so staggering that it muted with some Valium and a bit of time - or half a dozen coffees as the case may be...
I am so convinced that all I need to do is turn up and be as authentic as possible for 2 minutes with all the hand flapping externalisations and non-vocal brain farts that i tried sooo hard not to show to anybody, ever - even on my own at home - for so long; and they'll pat me on the head and say well done and I can go home now thanks.
And either it is - or it isn't - or it's something fuzzy in between but whatever I imagine it to be, it definitely is not....
And I'm going to the forest to tell that to some trees, in private tomorrow morning.
Sorry to bother y'all.
your emotions are normal --- is it really good to know either way or where u are on the spectrum if u are
Thank you.I need to dial it down a bit. I have years of (internalised) stigma against (a particular other name for) Autism and a lot of practice shouting at myself - I should know better.I seem to have very many of the tools but afraid to use them.
Thanks.
Just information research I guess. And I have a lot transferable thinking skills that are really obvious to me but other people seem to lap up - I can/should use these to ease the rampant scramble/tangle in my mind when it's scaring the hell out of me.
The other tools:
But then there is another magical thing that seems to happen sometimes if I just half listen to what people are saying and allow myself to be guided (by an actual person) or just gently 'be' with myself without any of all the baggage, and see without looking. Properly being in nature with trees and birds and my dog, for example. And I sort of feel exposed but it's not relevant just for a tiny little while.
Difficult to explain to be honest - and I *really* don't understand.
And then I have to get on with acting out some (any!) role in the shared metaphorical 'reality' where nothing and nobody makes full sense to me (and I am a bit burned out with trying) but at least some stuff actually happens and it can be fun if I just let it - and loads of people seem to talk about stuff on these kind of forums that reflects the way my mind has always worked since I was a kid.
Thank you for the advice on the assessment.
Mine only seemed to be there for the payday...
In terms of support, if you have anyone you love who will come, just take them irrespective of relationship. Diagnostic psychiatry whilst only carried out by the most expensive of people, is mostly a set of procedures, and tasks set to the candidate, and the Professionals are just there to do it right. It's actually helping people that takes real skill and dedication...
IF you do have enough Autism to qualify, or whether you don't, is far less important than getting the question answered one way or another. The assessor's biases and inclinations (or whether they "like" you) is really quite unimportant. Just do what they ask, without making any special effort that you would not normally do, and just see how it goes.
what are these tools you mentioned ?
in regards to your assessment
think of the assessors in this way
they really understand autism
they will be very nice and kind
they do these assessments all the time so they are very familar with all the traits
they are here to help you locate your issues and give you feedback on what they find