Autism and sexual desire

I hope so too. At least we can enjoy being ourselves now 

Exactly.  I wish I could have felt earlier on in life that it's OK to be me and I hope that people who've unfortunately fallen into this trap can still enjoy lots of years of being more authentically themselves.  

Yes, I think I might have been acting like an extreme parody of non autistic, drunken sexuality.  I thought I had to.  To many this might seem like a rather juicy misspent youth to look back on and smile about.  But I just cringe and regret the waste of my younger years, all being absorbed in being a caricature.  :(

Im so glad! I met the right person too and again it caused problems because of my reputation and the fact that my old friends still expected me to be that person on nights out even though i didnt want to be cos I was happy with her.
Thankfully those friends are no longer part of my life and i am settled in my marraige. 
My drive comes and goes and still causes me problems and temptations sometimes but alot less than it used to.

I feel I can be me much more now too. Im glad that you can feel like yourself. 

Ah, my endeavours eventually resulted in me meeting the right person and gradually I was able to drop the mask.  It caused a lot of difficulties early in that relationship, though, because my past was known and it's not the sort of past most people want in a lifelong partner. 

My sex drive waning was also a big help and the menopause a total relief, as if someone had removed a kind of mind control drug from my bloodstream - a bit odd since many women will want to take hormones to restore their drive.  I'm glad to see the excessive desire just drop away because I now feel more real and more like myself.  

I can totally relate to this! I was like acting out a role too as this loud, laddish womanising type which everyone then thought was the real me. In reality I just wanted a nice girl to settle down with. I just couldnt admit that and my anxiety made me mask the real me as a defence mechanism

Im glad youve realised now though, so have I. no one should  have to pretend to be anything but themselves.. I think the world expects us auties to fit into their way of doing things 

I can relate to the acting part rather too strongly.  I wouldn't even be fully conscious of it but I'd be relying on lines I'd learnt from more popular schoolmates a decade or more before, plus what I saw as attractive roles from films and adverts.  Sadly, I assumed this was how it was supposed to be, those were the rules and I was getting better at playing them, judging by my "success" rate.  

And so I became one of those manic pixie dream girl types - free, quirky, hypersexual with a strange kind of projected confidence to deflect from my underlying anxiety.  Almost child-like, dancing on the beach in a fluttering scarf like the girl on the tampon advert or acting out what I saw as the sexiest scenes from "What's New Pussycat?". 

In reality I was out of control though, desperate for a sense of real connection, and extremely vulnerable.  I just thought I had to pretend not to be.  :(

I can relate to that. I have always struggled to relate to the workplace for a number of reasons. I hate polite small talk about the weather etc, never seen the point of it. Also everyone else can be making a joke but if i join in with the same joke then im being "innapropriate" and I get in trouble

I also only could speak to members of the opposite sex if i was drunk, it was almost like Raj in the big bang theory but not as bad

How do you cope with this stuff these days? just wondered if youve found some answers taht work for you. 

For me I never understood it till I got married, fortunatley to a woman who also has some level of special needs so understands me. I still dont understand a lot of things though 

Ah yes, I think I'm more generally dogged by thoughts of "How am I supposed to know?". Things are OK in one context but not in another and I find it hard to gauge.  Plus at work I found everything too hard faced and "professional" and I sort of felt so uncomfortable with it I sort of needed to demolish it.  Excessive flirtation at one point seemed to accomplish this although, yes, it was still a game, just my preferred one.

There were lots of years when I only felt able to socialise and even approach people at all if I had a few drinks inside me.  And at those times I needed to fall back on what I thought were simple rules but which turned out to be often ridiculous, potentially dangerous behaviours that were harshly judged.  

It was all a bit of an act because I was desperate and didn't know what else to do,  but over time I learnt that not many will approve of a Saga-like character who approaches a stranger in a pub.  

Finding this thread interesting. The more Ive understood about my autism the more my responses to sex have made sense. Reading through everyones posts on here has been very enlightening. I though i would share some of mine and see if other people have had similar experiences

To begin with, as a few other people have mentioned, I think I use masturbation as a stim. It is a huge stress relief and I can feel the need to do it without feeling any particular need for sexual gratification

My relationship with actual sex has always been confusing. I have always had a huge sex drive and desire for sex but have often found the actual act of it an anti climax (pardon the expression) I remember the first time I did it my first thought afterwards was "Is this it? Is this really what everyone makes such a fuss about?" 

However I still really wanted to do it again if that made sense. Does anyone else find oral sex (giving or receiving) less pressurised than actual intercourse? i always have 

I have a very healthy sex life in my marraige but I still get anxious at the thought of having sex sometimes and if I am lacking in confidence or have had a stressful day or a panic attack I simply cant do it. I sometimes feel with sex that I am acting out what Ive seen in the movies and what other people do rather than doing what I actually enjoy if that makes sense? 

does anyone else also find kinky sex less pressurised than ordinary sex? maybe thats just me

Sorry for rambling, its just helps me understand things better to talk to other autistic people about this stuff

I can really identify with this. I have always felt like I have taken a lot of time to observe other people and learn the rules and then when I try to apply those rules people act like ive done something wrong. It is a constant shifting of the sands and i always felt "how am i supposed to know what the rules are?"

When i was young and single I would observe how my friends and other men chatted up women and then try and do the same thing. Sometimes it would work but often girls would make me feel like i was bothering them or being innapropriate and I would feel so confused and hurt becuase Id think "well isnt this the rules, isnt it how your supposed to do it?" 
I dont miss those days so I understand. 

Personally, i dont think the game is worth playing. I played it for many years, I had some good times but it left me broken

Try and find a partner that doesnt want to play games either, thats the only answer ive found that makes sense to me

I can undestand how you feel like that. I didnt even kiss a girl till I was 22 and even then she only did it for a bet. 
I can imagine its frustrating but theres nothing wrong with not having sex. When I started having sex i used it as a defence mechanism and had quite an unhealthy relationship with it.

I admire you for having that rule in life and how you treated that girl. the right woman could still be out there for you, your never too old. and if you find someone you are comfortable with she will understand your lack of experience with relationships 

Well, it was always part of my "fakery", or masking, but it did provide relief from social anxiety - i.e. let's cut to the physicality so's we can avoid all those faltering, stress-inducing conversations.

Not without significant downsides though.  Hypersexual females seem to be almost invariably judged quite harshly from all sides (incl. female friends) plus the risks of STDs and violence are ever-present.  I look back at my youth with horror, not with pleasure at the thrill of it all (which was momentary, really).  Thinking about it, I could actually have died on a very unwholesome mix of sex and alcohol and many would have said I deserved it!

Ah, it is, of course, the female hypersexuality that bother me.  Within our culture it seems to go against the grain and attract lots of criticism. 

Yes, it certainly reduces anxiety.  The "human bodies" thing has always bothered me though.  I can remember when I was first told about sex I simply didn't believe my classmates.  It just seemed too improbable and awkward.  Plus I wondered why it had been kept from me for so long (I was 10).  

I'm sure that is posable. I'm also sure its very effective. I've seen smart young women, who I suspect were autistic, use their sexuality, or at least aggressive flirting, to build tight friendship groups centred on them. They didn't have to fake normality, or at least not too hard. I'm sure it comes with down sides but the up sides seem pretty good.

It's valid and understandable.  I may be one of the autistic male 'horn dogs' mentioned above; it's true when I have been in relationships (not much of my life), I've had more frequent (and probably more intense) desire for intercourse than my girlfriend. Reading one psychological study recently makes me think I'm borderline hypersexual:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5789215/

If I had sufficient social skills for frequent casual sex, I'm sure I'd find it a short cut to intimacy and relief without social complications. ( I have actually found that relationships can then follow on and I don't want to miss that opportunity or the sex; an emotional intimate relationship before sex is practically impossible for me, but one fun date before getting physical doesn't stress me beyond tolerance.)

So @NAS72060, research into autism and sexuality is sparse and conflicting, but it definitely seems like more autistic people are asexual/ace or demisexual than you'd expect from the population as a whole, and particularly autistic women and non-binary people.  So if you mix with more autistic women, you'll probably find people with low sexual desire who finds other interests far more important.

On the other hand, it also looks like more autistic people, particularly autistic men, are hypersexual (in terms of desire although very often not activity with partners). It's just one of many areas in which autistic people can find themselves at either extreme.

Hi Jenny, my name is Matt. I understand what you mean. I use small talk all time. I use my sex to kill of anxiety. I require high stim but only on my own. I don't think human bodies attractive. I find them doing odd things attractive. The dirtier the easy it is for me. I don't have a sexual connection with anyone at all. Just if there are doing strange things.

Just popping back to this thread with a related thought. 

My own experience has been of heightened or even excess desire and it's occurred to me that this drive may well have been linked to a need to self regulate, dissipate nervous energy and get close to another human being without having to engage in what I often see as excruciatingly embarrassing small talk.  

Is it possible to somehow hide behind sex (as part of a mask and an avoidance strategy) and, at the same time, use it as more of a stim?  I'm not sure I actually think about sex in the same way as others do, although I could be wrong.    

Am I in a minority with this?

Yes, I can certainly see that, especially earlier in life, anxiety was always very closely linked with any expressions of sexuality.  Socialising to any extent involved heavy drinking, but then, of course, the risks increased and my sense of control was very much reduced.  Not ideal, but I otherwise wouldn't have ever met anyone.  :(