Autism and sexual desire

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood where violence was partially normalised. You know what growing up that way teaches you? The best way to be safe is to be prepared for violence. It’s not actually a bad lesson. Provided you remember that there is a difference between being prepared for violence and seeing it as a first resort.

I'm a short guy and not super fit but that’s why I don’t back down. I can’t out run most people and you don’t want to be attacked from behind. Best way to deter an attack is make it clear if attacked you will fight back. 
if you don’t say no in life you’ll be pushed around forever. By bosses, relatives, burocrats, even strangers. What do you do when some chav comes up and asks you for a pound? You learn to say no and if he doesn’t like it be ready with your fists. Otherwise people will take your money your sanity and even your dignity.

It must be nice to be neurotypical enough to be able to tell which situations it is safe to say no in, and in which doing that will lead to violence. Or large enough that violence against you is unlikely.

I'm working on being less physically attractive and more male presenting.

Yeah you really shouldn't have to worry about good friends trying to 'take advantage' when you visit them as it were. That said there is a difference between "making a move" and 'taking advantage.'

Have you ever seen the film the girl who leapt through time? A girl gains the ability to time travel and uses it for every day problem solving. One day her good friend gives he a ride home on his bike and they're really having fun then he asks her out and she's totally unprepared for it. Doesn't want their friendship to end. So she goes back in time to change the topic before he asks her out but no matter how many times she tries he always asks her out. The only way to avoid it was to go back in time and walk home alone.

That's part of life. If you have friends some will fall in love (or lust) with you, even if they know you are asexual. And they will feel compelled to ask you if you can return their feelings. The only absolute way to avoid this is to live a lonely life apart from other people.

But no friend worth calling a friend would ever try to force them-self on you. But they will absolutely wait till you're alone, if they can, before telling you how they feel about you. Few people want to be rejected in front of an audience.

Yes that's what I've been doing for the last few years. I don't go to friends houses if they are someone I don't think I could overpower or outrun. The thing is, it's no good implementing this policy only for people you're officially dating, as there have been dozens of times I thought relationships were purely platonic until the other person made a move. I lose most friends eventually over being this way but it does allow me to stay safe.

No that's not easy at all. Sorry to hear that happened to you. Although if they respond with 'asexuality is not a thing' when you tell them you're asexual thats a huge red flag dating wise. I mean you don't need to go from dating to spending the night all at once. You can go on a few dates feel them out, dump them if there are red flags like 'asexuality is not a thing.' That would be my advice.

Tried to tell the last one that and was told asexuality is not a thing. It's easy to say "you don't need those people in your life" but when you're alone in a room with them, they're twice your size, and you're not sure if you're going to be able to safely get them to leave or get home safely yourself because it's late and dark, it's not that easy.

I mean if people get angry because you turn them down for sex when you’re starting to date (or before then) you probably don’t need those people in your life. If people get angry because you’ve been dating for months and you won’t have sex with them then why are they dating an asexual person if sex is important to them. Presumably you tell them early on you are asexual?

I started out very regular on sex.I was tested found to have autism +dd and became incontinent so now guess fall into the asexual group.

I'm asexual, which is very common among autistic people. I've spent most of my life being bullied into sex and have a huge amount of trouble trying to navigate those situations as I don't know what I can say no to without triggering anger in the other person. I'm now extremely reticent to form close relationships.

I think it depends on the health in general. I knew autistic people with a very high libido.

Yes, generally speaking that rings true.  I adopted a mask based upon what felt safe and seemed acceptable, if not admirable.  But then, not only am I left with the feeling that I've lived half my life pretending to be someone else, I also attracted a lot of blame when I took it to the nth degree, somehow imagining that I was really good at it.  

I'm just hoping that the rest of our lives can be different.  

That is so deep. I can totally understand it (sorry if I am butting in your convo)

I am only just starting to really unmask now. I totally get about wanting intellectual converstations and it never happening.

Reading your posts, so much of it sounds like what I went through. Its almost like we had to lower ourselves to their standards and now we look back and think why wernt we just true to us 

Ah, the "weirdo" label.  This one has pursued me all my life.  At school I somehow thought it would be better at university and my parents encouraged this belief - something along the lines of finding my own crowd with similar interests.  Well, the uni crowd turned out to have the same interests as the school crowd, and most weren't very academically minded either.  So the discussions on literary themes, philosophy and art that I thought would go on long into the night never emerged.  :( 

I'm not sure about ways of moving from friendships to something more.  I'm sure I totally clarted it up, to be honest, or was too drunk to notice the transition.  Later in life, though, once I felt secure enough to join groups and courses in line with my own interests, it did genuinely feel as though there'd have been more possiblities if I'd been single.  It's still hard for me to drop the mask though and to move away from the though that using it is the only way anyone will like me.  

I've had to live with the consequences of masking and forming relationships that way, though.  Several men has obviously fallen in love with somebody but unfortunately that somebody wasn't me.  In fact she didn't exist at all.  And when the mask came off, I could tell they were puzzled.  "You've been a dream" one of them said, looking quite crushed about it.    

I think in my case the mask never worked. The only mask I ever developed was the mask of formality. The one I used dealing with adults as a child. Waiters, shop assistants etc. Makes me sound very stiff. Full of phrases like ‘with all due respect’ etc. Still gets me through lots of situations where I need to pretend to ‘adult.’

as a homeschooled kid I really didn’t have any opportunity to practice anything else till I went to university.

so all my friends at uni knew I was a weirdo. Surprisingly quite a few of those friends were girls. But that didn’t translate to any of them wanting to be more than friends.

Ah, I think I might have been seen as "fun", until I turned out not to be.  Not so much to do with the clothes but rather the stance and how long I could maintain it for.   No doubt I then said or did something that seemed a little "off" and not in line with the mask.  

And yes, I can see how being hypersexual isn't necessarily the same thing as having lots of partners.  But it's also possible to get through lots of partners on your way to finding something sustainable, for which the mask has to drop.  

I think my regret is having too many opportunities to be sexual without the real depth of relating that could have made it meaningful, if only I'd known how and also actually known myself a bit better.  

Mind you, I think I did actually come across one or two undiagnosed autistic men who were faking it too.  Maybe on one level the game was being played, but on another something more real and lasting was forming.  Could be why I married one of them.  

Jenny Butterfly said:

Some men seem to get away with it

Not I'm afraid autistic men. Not as far as I can tell. Also there is a distinction to be made between being sexual and having sex. Some of the most sexual women I've known haven't had many sexual partners. But they are always in skimpy dresses, flirting, telling dirty jokes, sharing stories of their exotic escapades or items on their sexual bucket list. Girls like that get labeled as 'fun.' Guys, not so much. Not unless, as you say, they seem to have some special teflon status driven by some invisible quality.

Looking back on my years, especially my teens / 20s I wish I'd had more opportunities to be sexual, which is not nessiserally the same thing as having lots of partners.

Well, I think it's harsh all round but in different ways and the effects will depend on the individual.  I think I might actually have been a bit of a predator at times, if I'm honest, but the men involved didn't respond with negative labels until much later on, long after the immediate pleasure had faded.  

So yes, at the time the sex can be utterly thrilling and intoxicating but in the longer run the consolation isn't so great if, for example, you've lost your friends, had unwanted pregnancies, STDs, serious kidney infections and the like.  It can cast a long shadow too.  The past is sometimes very hard to escape too because people don't forget.  You're always, "The one who...". I think Sarah Hendrickxs touches on this subject quite a bit (esp. poor boundaries and early pregnancy).

I appreciate that the horrendous labels of predator or creep can be enduring too though.  Some men seem to get away with it, especially those who might be more accomplished at what's seen as the social niceties, and I always found it confusing that men were always expected to be "up for it", women not so much so.  Plus it also seems as though the selfsame behaviours from one man turn out to be unacceptable from another.  And much of this depends, from what I can gather, on invisible cues and signals.  Maybe also social standing and perceived attractiveness.  All very confusing and, looking back, I think it's no wonder things can become so problematic, if not traumatic when they go badly awry.

The temptation might be to just move away and start again but even that is difficult if the person is still masking and still doesn't realise that they're autistic.  

I wish I'd been given more guidance earlier in life but I guess that's a common enough feeling.  

I think you'll find hyper sexual men with poor social skills are judged far more harshly. The hypersexual women with poor social skills may get labelled 'whore' or perhaps 'victim' but the hypersexual man with poor social skills is almost always labelled as 'predator' or 'creep.' Having been labeled as the latter I'd far rather be labeled as the former.

And of course in my limited experience hypersexual women with poor social skills do at least get the consolation of having lots of sex which their male counterparts usually don't.

Its interesting you do the accent thing too, I thought that was just me. I am from London but grew up in Slough. When Im nervous I tend to sound more cockney and Londonish to almost sound tougher if that makes sense, its like a defence mechanism.

I agree about the sharks, I find they tend to circle anyway no matter what I do though

As for masking, I still mask but I dont have the energy to mask as much as I used to. Im signed off work atm with my autistic anxiety and mental health issues from trying to cope in the work envoronment. 
Im hoping to start working for myself as a writer so hopefully that will reduce the situations where I need to mask and cope with "normal" people 

Yes, I certainly mask much less these days.  However, I'm not so dependent on work or others any more so I'm at a stage in my life (close to retirement) where it's safer to shed a lot of it.  I'm not sure how I'd feel if I were just starting out.  

The balance of power really matters in most situations.  As a customer, I mostly call the shots, but as a new starter in an entry level post, the mask would kick in automatically.