loneliness

hi, I am new to this forum but just wondered if anyone else is in the same position as me. I am a 28 years old female. I am undiagnosed officially but had a non official assessment at my university and was told it is highly likely I have aspergers. I struggle to make and maintain friendships, more recently I have just given up completely trying to socialise or fit in. I am happily married but apart from my husband I don’t really see or speak to anyone else outside of work. I always seem to say the wrong thing and the fear of doing so has led me to stop trying to talk to people at all. I do work and just about manage with day to day small talk but I don’t make an effort to chat with people about anything unrelated to work. Recently I have been feeling very lonely and wish I had some friends to share things with, spend time with. I feel like I have no one I could turn to in a crisis except my family who all live far away. I see other people in coffee shops with their friends chatting and laughing and I just wish I could be like that. I have no idea where or how to meet friends any more. I used to be better when I was younger and especially at university where most social situations involved alcohol although I still made a lot of mistakes and faux pas which meant I never really had a lot of friends. I have had a lot of bad experiences with friends who have ended up cutting me out of their lives for one reason or another. I don’t think I am a nasty or bad person I just don’t know how to behave in social situations. The more I avoid it the worse I seem to get. Any advice or anyone in a similar position would be appreciated 

  • Hi I can relate to what you are saying from my younger days, and welcome, I'm sure there will be some younger people on here who will be happy to make friends. Don't have anything profound to say but stick around...

  • Hi NAS62073 :) I am also female, late twenties, but self diagnosed. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I only started to look into ASD after I was trying to get to a reason why I had brain freezes. Came across ASD and then lightbulb moment of, ASD joins all the dots to a whole lot of things I didn't know were connected. This forum is a great place to learn and interact with others on the spectrum. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk. 

  • Have a look at Meetup.com for gentle social event in your locality.   You can choose what sort of thing you like the look of and it seems to work for us Aspies because you can choose how much you interact - there's no pressure to get involved - you can sit on the sidelines until you get comfortable. 

    As you owe them nothing, you can leave at any time or you can become more social at your own comfort levels.

    I attend lunches, coffee mornings, pub quizzes, trips to museums, meals out, pub evening - just have a look at what's going on locally to you.

    I'm fairly sure a number of the regulars at some of the local meets around here are Aspie too - they seem to fit in ok.

  • Hi, I'm female too but a lot older. I didn't find out I was on the spectrum until my early 50s. I used to want to go out with & chat to friends when I was your age, but looking back on it now I wonder if some of the socialising I did was just mimicking behaviour, as it wasn't always that enjoyable actually. I too spend practically all of my non work time with my husband now, but he's my best friend and I can talk to him about anything.

    Have a think about what it is you really want from friendship and try to be true to yourself. Activities reduce the amount of time one has to spend on "small talk", which is likely to bore you after a very short time anyway as you won't get the point of it, so perhaps you could join a club which does an activity you enjoy? Having a shared topic of conversation will avoid having to make too much "small talk" and you won't look "weird" by talking obsessively about a special interest. 

    Good luck with finding friends.

  • Yes I can relate. I'm 52, recently self-diagnosed and running through the final stages of NHS diagnosis. I've withdrawn almost totally from friendship and professional networks recently, I've had enough of never being "invited back" and actually can't be bothered with socialising. I have a couple of people that I will bother to go for coffee with, and people I will chat to at running club.

    I'm forming the opinion that whilst I thought I understood the basics of friendship (go for coffees, chat, disclose personal things to each other, be there to listen for each other, have a laugh) that there must be another layer of "stuff" that I'm not aware of.

    I can't bear conflict, and persisting disagreements would cause me to unfriend people on social media. I've now deleted *all* of my social media accounts except an instagram that I use for a particular hobby. Even that I visit very infrequently.

    I also realised that on social media I was rarely interested in what anyone else was doing or had to say & just wanted to tell everyone what I was doing.

    So yes, I do often feel lonely.

  • Hi there, I never used to feel lonely and I don't think I have the full-blown condition yet but it's heading that way. I am recently diagnosed-with autism and ADD  and have obviously been visiting these threads to find out more about the condition and learn from other others how their lives have been affected.All well and good but now that I know there are plenty of people out there who are very similar to me I am starting to feel as if I should "get out more" because I am not the complete idiot I have believed myself as all of my life.

    I don't know how to go about it either-I never did, if someone is Gay and decides to Come Out they usually-I imagine-gather a few close friends in the pub and tell them-it is an accepted and familiar course of action but what about  those of us with autism who are quite likely not to have anyone to "Come Out" to as Autistic-and any way, what could we say if we had the outlet? It's not as if society will welcome us with open arms and we overnight become a well-integrated ,newly-validated member of NT Society. No, people who are different from the "norm" traditionally get a rough ride through life from society at large-it is probably a strategy to rid the small clans of those who seem unable to function in a way which promotes everybody's well-being and survival chances, I speak from experience, every single thing I have ever found myself a part of has rejected me, I can live with that-I'm not trying to be noble or heroic, it was a pattern which developed very esarly on in my life and I am quite reconciled to it now. I have lost lots of friends, have not been able to make friends with people I like because I scare them off with my weird perspectives/"humour" I am not remotely malicious but I make people uneasy because I can never think of anything to say which could pass for normal conversation, they play safe and keep me at a distance-I bear them no malice, I only get upset when the jibes start as I have a self-defence mechanism akin to a paper raincoat..

    Anyway-I did not intend to go on such a protracted rant , I can't think of any surefire thing to help you get out there and meet people, all I can suggest is that you get in touch with some of the varied groups which operate through this site and see if there is anything you'd like to get involved with. No magical solution but at least you will be able to get out and meet people with whom you can chat freely.

    Very best of luck!