Different perceptions. What do people think of this situation? Protective of my possessions.

Yeah I usually try to think up a reason why I can't lend it - like I already promised to lend it to someone else - what a shame ;)

Hi Binary, 

Your expectation is perfectly reasonable and the usual 'rule' when lending items out to others. It's not an ASC / NT difference at all.

The behaviour of your acquaintances (I'm reluctant to refer to them as 'friends')  is rude, insensitive and inconsiderate. 

I think you would be wise to decline lending items out to the same person again in future. If you feel so anxious and distressed by the loss of your items it makes sense to keep them close and choose not to lend them in future. 

They're your belongings so you can decide what you do with them (or not). 

Sarah 

This was a really interesting way of explaining it. Thank you.

I think I was baffled because to me you just give back things you borrow. I guess because I take things literally when someone says can I borrow, I think they really mean borrow which suggests give back. So I was really taken aback by the reaction when I asked when I'd get the book back. 

I'm often confused in these situations as I'm never sure if it's my behaviour that doesn't make sense or the other persons.

I know in reality not having that book makes no difference to my life and I really don't need it and should just get over it. But in my head their is a book shaped hole where it should be and this niggles at me. It's hard not to dwell on.

I'm not going to make a fuss about it. I don't have many friends so I have learnt not to persist when I don't see eye to eye.

I appreciate that, sorry if that was the impression I gave you, only meant that I believe everyone should get things back that they lend in the same condition! And that it is perfectly acceptable to get angry if you don't, I know I certainly do! 

Its an onion of how you and they feel, layers of trust and love, about each other. the inner layer is "there is no mine its all shared " , to outer layer of no i don't know you. And everyone involved is expressing that level of the onion they think they are in with each other, I always take most problems in life back a couple of thousand years, pure nomadic tribes, In this situation there everything is shared. We may have gathered personal artefacts,and wore them and you never gave them away as they were part of you. everything else was shared, 

So if your friends are including you in the perceived tribe that there close friendship is making possible then you don't refuse that, because that hurts , So you either accept being part of the tribe they are offering or you refuse . Whats mine is yours, your part of the family now(in NY Italian)   

If you lend anything you must be prepared to lose it, to strangers or the tribe, 

How you react to losing your book is your choice, you can be all tribal about it with your friends and allow trust and forgiveness to grow, Always quid quo pro.as you attempt to build that trust and level of love, 

or you can remove yourself from the tribe by being possessive about non valuable things, 

Here in also is the problem, The NT tribe only cares about money, everything is measured by monetary value, IF you lend something cheap, then it has no meaning or value to them, But if lend something valuable they then presume you care, and its looked after as it is harder to replace, 

Almost all NT's are emotionally tied to money, So if you express emotion over something not valuable they are confused and upset. Its just bad etiquette to be upset over small change, And you are labelled as a tight miser.

They have lost all emotional attachment to the things that matter the most 

This is why they reacted in the way they did, 

For example, IF you had said "do i need to buy a new book of the one i lent you, because i really need to read it again"

there response is limited to the realisation of how important that book is to you, (money they are costing you) 

Then you would have found your book replaced, if they are friends, or least a much better sorry

I answer this way because i presume you know that they deliberately did not try to hurt you, They just didn't understand that you really really wanted it back

So i more talk about their reaction, mainly down to your lack of full communication at the start, So tell them how you feel, but not in a volatile situation.

Just a simple i want that back ASAP, you cant lose it, will suffice at the start of the transaction 

Because i can tell you have not felt that way about a book, my guitar maybe, 

I mean is it the principle here that is baffling, or their failure to understand how you feel about that book ? going into its texture, and smell, how its pages are worn and bent by you, and the emotions tied to that book ?

If its the first then that's answered above , If its the second, then almost all NT's will never ever understand that, and they most be told fully before you lend again, if you cant tell them , then don't lend ever 

People who ask to borrow something and don’t return it maybe never meant to return it anyway and are just too mean to buy their own. I would rather give something away to a friend, saying you can’t borrow it, but I will give it to you, or if it’s not a friend I will usually say no, these days. I’ve lost too many lent items! 

I'm sure there are plenty of nts that return things and plenty of people with autism who don't. I think my post was more about was my reaction down to autism or was that a normal reaction for anyone rather than it asking whether the other people's behaviour was due to them being nt. I'm not into the whole them and us mentality.

Yes I definitely struggle with anything to do with justice. 

I really did laugh at pinching something from their nest- first born or car. Hahaha!

I don't think it helps either that because I struggle with people my items are more important to me than for those that get on with people easily.

Thanks. Always good to hear a non autistic perspective too. Especially when it is the same as mine, haha.

I get this every Christmas from my partners family, I can't drink due to medication (and have 3 kids to watch) but they simply can't understand no! They just push and push "one won't hurt" Well actually yes it could! 

Not being picky but not all of us are like this, some of us are genuinely caring people who hold the same set of values you and others describe, if you loan an item it should be treated with respect and returned in the same condition. 

Another thing - NTs break stuff and then they can’t even see that they’ve broken something. There perception is Soooooooo different they can’t realky see what’s in front of theirs eyes. So if they borrow a high end pair of sunglasses and scratch the hell out of the lenses - THEY CANT EVEN SEE the scratches. Honestly they can’t tell. 

DO NOT TOUCH is a sign they are used to seeing. 

NTs have Butter Fingers and are half blind 

More Nuerotypical BS again... 

Yes - they do expect to keep books that have been loaned. Not just books, anything at all. 

I don’t even let bumbling NTs even Touch my valued possessions. 

They REALLY do not get it. They will say it’s sad and materialistic and make you feel ‘materialistic’ like it’s a bad thing. Then they’ll say stuff like - yeah but you have no concrete evidence. 

NTs are a waking contradiction of nonsense and that’s why we have Brexit and actually anything that is failing is most likely an NT thing. 

Honestly - they are idiots 

There's multiple things happening here.   First is the ASD person's overblown sense of social justice - this person said borrow so they created a contract with you and they have modified the contract without informing you.  It's wrong and you should be annoyed.

There's also a deep, primal urge that is similar to a lion owning its kill.  It worked hard to take the animal down and would only want to share the resource (the book) with it's own pride - there is no genetic advantage to sharing with the hyenas.   A hyena has taken your book and the lion in you wants it back.  

There's also the nest building urge - you have collected all the things together to feather your nest (your home) and make you comfortable and safe - and someone has stolen something from you - it's not right and you should go and pinch something from their nest as a hostage.   Maybe their first born or their car?

It would really tick me off too - it's why I never lend - I'd rather give.   I'm afraid you may need to write the book off in the name of maintaining friendship but learn from this - and look on ebay for a cheap replacement book.

Hi, 

I'm not asd but I totally agree with you! I hate lending people things ( they never come back the same and quite often I have had to save to buy them so can't just replace it) 

I would have been really quite angry at the first friend for agreeing to lend it without asking me. And I would definitely expect to receive the book back as it was lent not given and who says you are not going to read it again I quite often re-read books. 

Yes I find having friends difficult. I feel lonely and isolated easily too though so it's a really hard balancing act. But yes I find friends baffling because they invite me to things which suggests they like me but then I don't speak to them very often and they often do and say things that upset me. I find the whole thing very confusing. Don't get me wrong I do have good times with them as well. But I just don't understand friendship at all. I've never been good at making/keeping friends.

I would absolutely want my book back!

I totally understand your thinking.

I am baffled by these "friends". I am baffled by "friends" in general, I have people who claim to be my "friend" but behave in these odd and upsetting ways.

Maybe it's an ASD thing but I don't think it's a bad thing.

I also prefer not to lend things to people, it's not because I'm not a kind or helpful person, it's because other people are often unreliable and less careful with things and I'm incredibly particular about my things and get upset if my things aren't pristine.

You borrow something, you give it back! It's simple! That's what borrowing is!

I'm sorry you've had this to deal with.

Mums tend to be reliable in this way

An alarm system would be good! 

I have "shelf memory spaces" in my room, from gaps left by items that weren't returned to me. They bother me less over time, but I do remember all the items I never got back. I guess your books and films are an investment you made and a small representation of yourself; maybe that's why it hurts a bit when people don't treat your things with respect.

This would anger me too. I will get rid of items I don't use eventually because I don't like having too much clutter. But I have to be ready to get rid of them and I hate other people deciding they can get rid of my possessions.