I sometimes find other people's perceptions of a situation absolutely baffling. And a recent situation is really bugging me because I really don't see how the other people's point of view made sense yet I was on my own with my point of view so evidently once again its me with the issue.
I'm quite protective of my possessions. They are very important to me. I guess this is an ASC thing. Because of this, I HATE lending people things. However, I found myself in a situation where a friend wanted to read a book I'd just read and asked if they could borrow it. I said they could even though I didn't really want to because I didn't want to appear like I was being awkward. She read the book and then said another friend who I also know had wanted to read it so she would pass it on to her. I was a bit uneasy about this but nothing I could do.
I let time go by for a bit and heard nothing about the book so asked the second friend if they'd read it yet. She said the first friend never gave it to her. I asked the first friend the next time I saw her. There was a group of us. She was very offhand and didn't seem to know whether she still had it or not. As the conversation went on, she quite bluntly said "Well did you want it back?" I said "Of course I did because it was mine." She seemed baffled by this. Someone else said "Well you're never going to read it again." And then another person said "If I leant someone a book, I'd just expect them to keep it."
My mind at this point was just repeatedly going "It's mine! It's mine! It's mine!" I couldn't even slightly understand their point of view at all. They didn't see why I had an issue with the situation. Am I the only one baffled by this situation? And does anyone else find themselves in these situations where there point of view is different but the other people's point of views make absolutely no sense?
I completely understand this, Binary. I've been in the situation myself - and been made to feel like I was the one being unreasonable. I don't think it's an ASC thing at all.
First of all, the first friend asked if she could borrow it, not if she could have it. If you borrow something, it doesn't belong to you - so you should give it back when you're finished. That's part of the unofficial 'deal' that was made.
As for the other person - it's none of their business. How will they know that you won't want to read it again? I read favourite books many times. I've also let people borrow books - and almost never had them back. Even with people I've really trusted. So I now have a policy of saying a polite 'no, sorry' to any such requests. If people think that's being ungenerous or selfish, then it's too bad. Not my problem.
Personally, I don't borrow things off other people as a rule. But if someone did offer to lend me something, I'd make a point of principle to give it back when I'd finished with it.
The remaining lending libraries in the land would soon be empty if everyone followed the example of your friend and this other person.
(When I did karate a few years ago, there was a woman who came who was really interested in all things Japanese. I told her I'd done Origami since I was a kid. She said she'd love to have a go at origami... so I lent her my entire series of Origami books, which I'd then had for around 35 years. I never saw her or them again!)
I am completely with you on this! I would always return someone's book/other borrowed thing or at least keep them updated, e.g. "I haven't got round to reading it yet, would you like it back?"
BUT, I do know quite a few people who act like your friend and assume that once they've been leant something, that thing is effectively theirs. I've lost quite a few books and DVDs this way; it has really annoyed and upset me! And baffled me to be honest because, like you, I just think this viewpoint makes no sense at all.
Now, I just go into librarian mode and say to people that they can borrow something as long as they promise to give it back Hope you get your book back eventually!
Hearing about your Origami books made me feel sad and cross on your behalf!
This is why I was so baffled. I just thought it was obvious that if you leant someone something then you got it back. I was shocked that more than one person thought that it was unreasonable that you would expect your item back.
I'm not sure whether I would have read that particular book again. I enjoyed it but it wasn't a favourite. I'd have liked to have the option to reread it as I paid for the book. In my mind there is now a gap on my bookshelf.
It's extremely rare that I lend anyone anything. I'm not sure on the occasions I have that I've had the items back. To me it's really rude that you wouldn't return something you borrowed. And if you couldn't return it for whatever reason then you should at least apologise not make out that it is the other person over reacting.
Rant over! Glad it's not just me.
I've given up hope of getting that book back . I don't think I'll be lending anyone anything again. Well maybe I will to my mum. I know she'll give it back go me.
I've very rarely leant anyone anything but like you have lost some books and dvds over the years by lending them. I wish you could fit them with alarms so if the person is late returning it then the alarm would go off.
No you're right to have this viewpoint, I completely understand. I've come to the conclusion that anything you lend to people, be that items or money, you have to accept you won't get back. If you do, treat it as a bonus. Which is sad, I admit, because if I ever borrow anything I return it as soon as possible. I've borrowed books in the past and returned them before finishing reading them because I felt so uneasy at keeping someone else's belongings for a long time. I dont borrow money very often but when I have I return with "interest" e.g. a meal out, or box of chocolates or something. My Gran once told me you are not truly giving something away unless what you're giving means something to you. So when I do lend things, I treat it more as giving something away. Perhaps a strange mindset. But if you hold on to the notion the item is still yours then it's difficult not to be resentful if it isn't returned. I have no idea if I'm helping :p just giving my thoughts
And does anyone else find themselves in these situations where there point of view is different but the other people's point of views make absolutely no sense?
Well... I guess that's how the world is! A communist will never understand the thinking of a capitalist, and vice-versa. Likewise, a Christian with an atheist. It would be a pretty dull world, too, if everyone thought the same way. But I know what you mean. When I see injustices being carried out, and then people supporting it, it makes no sense.
I'm not good at arguing my corner on an issue if I'm with other people - even if it's something I know a bit about. I don't really have the courage to play through my convictions. Some people make their position very clear a lot of the time - like one chap I once worked with who took every opportunity to criticise anyone left-leaning in politics. I prefer not to get into those kinds of discussions if I can help it. Also, I've tended to end up in all sorts of knots when trying to explain a position and not doing it very well. Or I end up saying something I don't actually mean, then confusing myself. There's an art to it, and I don't have it. Even with the written word, which is my chosen form of communication. Misunderstandings about meaning can so easily happen. Often, it's because I simply haven't thought things through properly. In the week at work, one of the clients I was chatting to started leading off against the French - so I hastily changed the subject! Those are usually very difficult conversations to navigate without things becoming heated!
Ha Martian Tom you sound just like me. Even when I know I'm right about something, and have a lot of evidence, I struggle at getting that across in a discussion. I also end up saying things I don't mean which I guess is down to my brain trying to work too quickly and not accessing the right information quick enough (or something). I tend to pick up very quickly if someone has a "closed" mindset or an "open" mindset. There is no point even discussing things with closed minded people, nothing will change their mind. I do like debating with open minded friends though as I enjoy seeing the difference of opinions and we both leave the conversation with something to think about. I'm rambling again, apologies.
Ye I was thinking more the small every day sort of situations when I wrote that rather than bigger things like religion. It's not that I expect everyone to think the same but I do find a variety of beliefs etc fascinating as to how differently people can think. I find it really weird how often I seem to be the only one in a situation that sees things a certain way. In my diagnostic report my assessor wrote that I have significant difficulty mentalising (theory of mind) so I guess it's not surprising I find situations like this very difficult.
I get what you're saying. Thanks. I think I just need to not lend people stuff to be honest. Because I don't think I can get past the idea that it is mine!