I sometimes find other people's perceptions of a situation absolutely baffling. And a recent situation is really bugging me because I really don't see how the other people's point of view made sense yet I was on my own with my point of view so evidently once again its me with the issue.
I'm quite protective of my possessions. They are very important to me. I guess this is an ASC thing. Because of this, I HATE lending people things. However, I found myself in a situation where a friend wanted to read a book I'd just read and asked if they could borrow it. I said they could even though I didn't really want to because I didn't want to appear like I was being awkward. She read the book and then said another friend who I also know had wanted to read it so she would pass it on to her. I was a bit uneasy about this but nothing I could do.
I let time go by for a bit and heard nothing about the book so asked the second friend if they'd read it yet. She said the first friend never gave it to her. I asked the first friend the next time I saw her. There was a group of us. She was very offhand and didn't seem to know whether she still had it or not. As the conversation went on, she quite bluntly said "Well did you want it back?" I said "Of course I did because it was mine." She seemed baffled by this. Someone else said "Well you're never going to read it again." And then another person said "If I leant someone a book, I'd just expect them to keep it."
My mind at this point was just repeatedly going "It's mine! It's mine! It's mine!" I couldn't even slightly understand their point of view at all. They didn't see why I had an issue with the situation. Am I the only one baffled by this situation? And does anyone else find themselves in these situations where there point of view is different but the other people's point of views make absolutely no sense?
Its an onion of how you and they feel, layers of trust and love, about each other. the inner layer is "there is no mine its all shared " , to outer layer of no i don't know you. And everyone involved is expressing that level of the onion they think they are in with each other, I always take most problems in life back a couple of thousand years, pure nomadic tribes, In this situation there everything is shared. We may have gathered personal artefacts,and wore them and you never gave them away as they were part of you. everything else was shared,
So if your friends are including you in the perceived tribe that there close friendship is making possible then you don't refuse that, because that hurts , So you either accept being part of the tribe they are offering or you refuse . Whats mine is yours, your part of the family now(in NY Italian)
If you lend anything you must be prepared to lose it, to strangers or the tribe,
How you react to losing your book is your choice, you can be all tribal about it with your friends and allow trust and forgiveness to grow, Always quid quo pro.as you attempt to build that trust and level of love,
or you can remove yourself from the tribe by being possessive about non valuable things,
Here in also is the problem, The NT tribe only cares about money, everything is measured by monetary value, IF you lend something cheap, then it has no meaning or value to them, But if lend something valuable they then presume you care, and its looked after as it is harder to replace,
Almost all NT's are emotionally tied to money, So if you express emotion over something not valuable they are confused and upset. Its just bad etiquette to be upset over small change, And you are labelled as a tight miser.
They have lost all emotional attachment to the things that matter the most
This is why they reacted in the way they did,
For example, IF you had said "do i need to buy a new book of the one i lent you, because i really need to read it again"
there response is limited to the realisation of how important that book is to you, (money they are costing you)
Then you would have found your book replaced, if they are friends, or least a much better sorry
I answer this way because i presume you know that they deliberately did not try to hurt you, They just didn't understand that you really really wanted it back
So i more talk about their reaction, mainly down to your lack of full communication at the start, So tell them how you feel, but not in a volatile situation.
Just a simple i want that back ASAP, you cant lose it, will suffice at the start of the transaction
Because i can tell you have not felt that way about a book, my guitar maybe,
I mean is it the principle here that is baffling, or their failure to understand how you feel about that book ? going into its texture, and smell, how its pages are worn and bent by you, and the emotions tied to that book ?
If its the first then that's answered above , If its the second, then almost all NT's will never ever understand that, and they most be told fully before you lend again, if you cant tell them , then don't lend ever
This was a really interesting way of explaining it. Thank you.
I think I was baffled because to me you just give back things you borrow. I guess because I take things literally when someone says can I borrow, I think they really mean borrow which suggests give back. So I was really taken aback by the reaction when I asked when I'd get the book back.
I'm often confused in these situations as I'm never sure if it's my behaviour that doesn't make sense or the other persons.
I know in reality not having that book makes no difference to my life and I really don't need it and should just get over it. But in my head their is a book shaped hole where it should be and this niggles at me. It's hard not to dwell on.
I'm not going to make a fuss about it. I don't have many friends so I have learnt not to persist when I don't see eye to eye.