Published on 12, July, 2020
I sometimes find other people's perceptions of a situation absolutely baffling. And a recent situation is really bugging me because I really don't see how the other people's point of view made sense yet I was on my own with my point of view so evidently once again its me with the issue.
I'm quite protective of my possessions. They are very important to me. I guess this is an ASC thing. Because of this, I HATE lending people things. However, I found myself in a situation where a friend wanted to read a book I'd just read and asked if they could borrow it. I said they could even though I didn't really want to because I didn't want to appear like I was being awkward. She read the book and then said another friend who I also know had wanted to read it so she would pass it on to her. I was a bit uneasy about this but nothing I could do.
I let time go by for a bit and heard nothing about the book so asked the second friend if they'd read it yet. She said the first friend never gave it to her. I asked the first friend the next time I saw her. There was a group of us. She was very offhand and didn't seem to know whether she still had it or not. As the conversation went on, she quite bluntly said "Well did you want it back?" I said "Of course I did because it was mine." She seemed baffled by this. Someone else said "Well you're never going to read it again." And then another person said "If I leant someone a book, I'd just expect them to keep it."
My mind at this point was just repeatedly going "It's mine! It's mine! It's mine!" I couldn't even slightly understand their point of view at all. They didn't see why I had an issue with the situation. Am I the only one baffled by this situation? And does anyone else find themselves in these situations where there point of view is different but the other people's point of views make absolutely no sense?
See I don't mind spending money on clothes I know I will wear over and over again because to me this is worth the money. I have a massive issue with having to spend money, usually a lot of money on something smart which I'm not actually going to like, or find comfortable or want to wear ever again because it makes other people happy.
The other thing I find difficult with these situations is when I'm right really sure of something, it really takes me by suprise when people don't react how I expected them to. I'm not brilliant with unexpected so then I find it hard to process the situation and know what to do next.
Slightly off topic but still re posessions.
A good few years ago my mum threw away all my childhood books cos they had gone mouldy and my cherished 70s navy parka with orange lining. Id left them in my room at home ive not lived at home in nearly 10 years. Id not read my books for years nor wore my parka but i felt torn inside at the time when i realised. When i asked where my parka had gone my mum went "oh...i dont know" which made it worse cos i knew she wouldnt tell me she had binned it.
Ive made it clear now that il go through the rest of my stuff myself!
When my brother got married, I was chosen as best man. So I had to go and buy a suit, which I couldn't really afford because I was unemployed at the time. I remember it cost me £80, and this was in the early 1980s. I couldn't hire one because of my very 'not off-the-peg' dimensions. I still have that suit (and it still fits!). But I've hardly ever worn it since.
This makes far more sense to me. Even though I wont wear dresses. Like people remember what you wore unless it was something really unusual. And in all honesty, why on earth does it matter if you wear an outfit to more than one special occasion.
Yes. We have a couple of staff members at work who are the kinds of people who seem to be very knowledgeable about a lot of things. Pick practically any subject and they know about it, and can argue their case on it. I find such people intimidating and quite hard to deal with. Self-esteem again.
Actually, though, the other day I did get one challenge right. Someone had made a 'St Patrick's Day' poster - but had left off the apostrophe. I mentioned it to one of the bright buttons, saying it was making me twitchy. He then came back at me saying that it was alright as it was, and the apostrophe would be incorrect. I then found myself saying 'No... it's essentially saying 'Day of St Patrick... day belonging to St Patrick. So it's in the genitive case, and needs an apostrophe.' He then just said 'Okay... fair enough' and went back to looking at his phone. Stupidly, I then found myself apologising for being pedantic!
My default position is that everyone knows more about everything than I do. I'm finding it difficult to move away from this thinking as if I'm ever challenged I back down. But I know I do this so I am trying to get better at standing my ground.
I have one dress that I wear for all occasions. I went to 6 weddings last year. No one made a comment, no one probably even noticed. It's a self constructed illusion.
Admittedly I actually like trainers and do have a few pairs but they are very different to each other. I'm not big on the whole brand thing. It's more a smart pair (I don't wear proper shoes - they're annoying), a pair to run around in, a pair I don't mind getting muddy. Proper shoes however I think all look the same and can't understand why some people have silly numbers of pairs.
I also don't understand this concept of having to buy a new outfit for every special occasion like wedding. Yes I can see you're not always going to wear the same outfit every time but the concept that you just wear it once baffles me. Especially when they are often very expensive. I know so many women that spends hundreds on dresses and wear them once. I guess it's a bit easier for guys.
Exactly. And just the idea that I would spend an evening drinking something I can't stand because that's what other people do. That means nothing to me. I just can't understand it at all.
I know what you mean about bringing things up at work. Sometimes I do and sometimes I'm not brave enough. There are a couple of people at work I've found I can bring things up to when I'm not happy with something. Sometimes this is effective at getting things done, sometimes not so much but better than nothing.
I have found that people often don't like other people being right.
My experience is that I now believe I don't lend anyone anything and expect to have it back.
It is a lesson I've learned over my decades living on this planet. I've lent many things, including money, to people who I thought I could trust. Often when given a 'gentle reminder' the person responds with 'I gave it back to you' when I know they haven't.
Even at primary school this happened. And in law, if you 'lend' someone something, it is a civil matter so they would have to be sued to get the item back (another case for Judge Rinder?) Others often have no respect for one's property, and even if returned it can be in a far worse condition than when lent.
I would much rather give someone something than lend it. That way no one's trust is betrayed.
Yes, they can. Television is a big topic of conversation at work. When I say I don't have a TV, I get some very odd looks. 'What do you do in the evenings, then?' Well... I read, I write, I watch films. I don't get bored. Phones are the other thing. Everyone's going on about this model, or that app, and it simply doesn't interest me. I'm practically the only person there who follows the Foundation's policy on 'no personal phones when on duty'. I guess it helps that I'm of a generation that can remember when no one had or needed them. But even staff my own age are on them all the time. I guess it's just the times we live in. You can't un-invent the wheel!
But supposing you were allergic to alcohol? Or were an alcoholic in recovery? People can be so unthinking in this way, and just expect you to go along with the social norms.
Your assessor is right about the effect it can have. A gradual chipping away at self-esteem. Everyone else knows better! I'll even do things that are completely counter-intuitive - because someone else is asking me to do them. I just have this prevailing feeling that other people know best. And partly, I don't like to protest in case it rocks the boat. This is what happened in my last job. I brought up a few issues at a staff meeting about things not being done properly: paperwork, cleaning, recycling, people leaving the vehicles in a mess after use. All it did, though, was make people think I was a trouble-maker. Even though I was right on these issues - and especially the paperwork, which was mandatory and simply wasn't being done properly - I was made to feel wrong. I think people tend to follow a herd mentality. They see others ignoring this stuff, so ignore it themselves. You then get a culture of institutional failings. But because everyone else is part of it, you're the one who's rocking the boat by bringing the matters up.
Yeah, sorry, I tend to get off topic easily. I do experience being the odd one in the room quite frequently. Like last week a colleague asked me what I thought about a pair of trainers, I just said they look like any other pair or trainers, at which point everyone chimed in with "how can you say that, they're *insert brand name which I've forgotten* " bear in mind I work with men. I thought it was just women that talked about shoes all day! Anyway, apparently I was odd for pointing out that all trainers are the same. Also, why would you ever need more than one pair? Haha, people can be very confusing at times.
Another example which is a bit different but still baffled me was when I had to go to a wedding. I hate weddings at the best of times but at the moment I don't particularly like drinking which is apparently not socially acceptable so I was being pressurised to drink. Apart from the fact I didn't want to drink, they only had wine and beer. I hate wine and beer so why would I drink it. I spent the night turning down the drinks much to the dismay of those at the wedding. When I repeated this story to my friends they couldn't understand why I didn't just drink the wine and beer. I couldn't understand this reaction. I don't like drinking and I don't like wine or beer. Why on earth would I have drunk them.
Being left to my own devices! That's another thing my assessor picked up on. He said not to underestimate the effect it can have on me if people don't allow me to do things my own way.
Yeah there's a few things that I've "lost" over the years which has really stung so I try avoid lending things now :(
It's probably to do with poor self-esteem (ingrained since childhood), but if my way of thinking or of doing things is criticised, I'll often tend to go along with what the other person thinks or wants instead of stand my ground. I'm very easily led, too. I'm not assertive enough to give orders to people. I'm one of those who takes orders instead - though I'm learning to question things if I'm not happy. I just don't find it that easy to stand my ground.
I'm with you now, yes. Like with the books. To me, it just makes sense that I would get something back if I lent in to someone. I'm baffled by the reaction of the people you mentioned.
Also, I like doing things a certain way - and if it works that way, then that's all that matters as far as I'm concerned. But I'll often hear things like 'Why are you doing it that way?' or 'What a strange way to do it' and be baffled. It's partly why I dislike being observed when I'm doing something. That's usually when I'll make stupid mistakes. If I'm left to my own devices, I'll get things right - just in my own way of doing them!
I get what you're saying. Thanks. I think I just need to not lend people stuff to be honest. Because I don't think I can get past the idea that it is mine!
Ye I was thinking more the small every day sort of situations when I wrote that rather than bigger things like religion. It's not that I expect everyone to think the same but I do find a variety of beliefs etc fascinating as to how differently people can think. I find it really weird how often I seem to be the only one in a situation that sees things a certain way. In my diagnostic report my assessor wrote that I have significant difficulty mentalising (theory of mind) so I guess it's not surprising I find situations like this very difficult.