Scared

Well said on all counts.

"I write to find out what I know."...

( ...Greetings, from a person who Writes and also  Draws. I tried to find that exact Quote upon the Internet, but I only found approximations; But it is good (apparently) to eliminate the "negative" word (...!)

"I write to find out what I didn't know I knew." - Robert Frost

“I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.” - Flannery O'Connor

“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” - Joan Didion

...But for the Economy, this is a best which I have looked up (and is what I try to do myself lately)...

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly

...That is all for this Post. )

That is excellent news. Good to keep as many options open as possible.

I got thoroughly confused talking to ATW on the phone as they use such specific terminology for employment support. I have sent you a PM with the info they emailed me afterwards just in case it is helpful.

I really like the idea of having someone I can talk to and check things out with other than my line manager. It will make me feel a lot more secure.

Know what you mean about the appeal of time off every few weeks. However a lot of people who work in schools and colleges barely function by the time they get to the holiday periods, and often get ill then too! 

Worth weighing everything up very carefully and then doing what is best  for you. 

()

I have an interview next Friday morning.  It'll be interesting to see what they're offering.  I think I'll be honest about my situation, and see if they might be willing to be flexible with me over a few things - especially the rotational contracts.  They know I'm good at the job, and they always said that they'd take me back... so I may have some leverage.  It also gives me a bit more time to step back a bit and really think over my options.  I didn't hear back from HR at the College, having left a message this morning, with a follow-up email later.  I told them I wanted to keep the offer open.  I'll try them again on Monday, after I've seen my doctor, and see what kind of flexibility they may be able to offer.  If they'll give me some more time with the training - not too much early pressure - it may be doable considering the long breaks, which would really be a bonus.  The thought of at least a week off every six or so weeks is very enticing.  But then so is working close to home, in familiar surroundings, with people I already know and conditions that are pretty good.

Access to Work, too, is something I can always mention.  I think it could be very useful - particularly having a support worker.

I’m the same with writing. It’s always been a form of meditation for me and I absolutely write, to find out what I know. It’s how I learn and relax. It’s what I’ve always done. :) 

Yes, you're right, I know.

I don't have a TV (haven't for many years) and I can't be bothered with the news, or music, or anything else.  I've been doodling a bit today.  Just doing a bit of writing, which is helping to lift me out of myself.  Objectifying my thoughts in that way is often a good thing.  I've read the AA big book and yes, it does have some inspiring stories.  Drink isn't something I'm seriously contemplating, though.  I'm not feeling urges like that.  I'm quite content to have a cup of tea, and maybe later watch a film.

I've been noodling for a while with an idea for a novel I want to write, but it hasn't quite come together yet.  Many of the pieces are there, but I can't quite see how to fit them together.  Approaching writing is often like approaching a puzzle: you have to move a few pieces around, and fit a few in place, before you can begin to see the picture emerging.  E L Doctorow had a good analogy for it: 'Writing a novel is a bit like driving at night.  You can only see as far as the headlights - but you can make the whole journey that way.'

Writing is a form of meditation, too.  I can't remember which writer it was that said 'I write to find out what I know.'  Yes, I'd go along with that to some extent - fanciful though it sounds.  I've often found that to be the case - that I don't know what I'm writing about until it's written... and then it all becomes clear to me!

Tom, I can be crying my eyes out, sobbing in fact, saying I want to kill myself, and not even realise, I’m upset!!! It’s the nature of autism. 

But trust me. You’re much calmer. You’ve come through all that, under the cloud of a ferocious black storm, but you pulled it off. 

Our minds, the internal processor, as you call it, will always be working. That’s it’s job. Our job is not to shut it up, but direct it’s thoughts towards the ones that serve us. 

Stop watching the news, or anything like that, cut out tv altogether, for a week, and instead direct your thoughts to all that’s good in the world. It doesn’t mean your denying all that’s wrong, but just as a way of an experiment, focus your thoughts on all that’s good. 

For example, get a big book (AA) ~ (let me know if you need one) ~ and read the encouraging good news stories at the back of the book. Read over some of your past writings, that you’re most proud of and most pleased with. And just enjoy reading it. I don’t know if you feel alive in nature, but if you do, go outside and really enjoy it. The mind will keep trying to force you to listen to its thoughts, but you can kindly and gently, say no, I’m experiencing this tree, or the sounds of the birds. Or even just a lonesome patch of grass in the most unusual place. If man was in charge  of nature, it would all be gone by now. That’s the same force that runs through nature and Daisy. Sit quietly and watch Daisy. Relaxed, just enjoying the moment. No rush. The life force that runs through Daisy, also runs through you. Feel it. Allow yourself to feel joy. It doesn’t mean you’re forgetting all the bad stuff. You can pick that back up anytime. But just for a little while, allow yourself to relax, and give the weight of the world, to whatever it is that’s bigger than you. You don’t have to do it for long. Just sit and really experience the pleasure of watching how Daisy conducts her life. Because that’s our true nature as well. It’s just our thoughts sometimes get the better of us. Especially as autistics when we do that cyclic catastrophic rigid black and white thinking. We can learn to slowly channel it for our good though,  but we have to give ourselves a break from it first. Just give yourself some time. 

You’ve really pulled this off. Be proud of yourself, despite what your feelings are doing or telling you, you’ve done really well. Most people have a loving supportive partner or parent or friend, to help them through such times. You’ve done this and honestly, you know me, I speak my mind, but to me, you’ve really outdone yourself. You’ve really pulled this off to a more than satisfactory conclusion. Despite that thinking mind trying to pull you down.

It’s not our job to shut it up, but to gently guide it towards more wholesome thoughts, and it’s like taming a wild animal. It takes time and patience, we can’t force it. Like the wild animal, it will simply rebel. But with respect and kindness, we can gently guide it towards more harmonious thinking. To thoughts that bring us joy. Meditation really helps, even when it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. It is.

Thanks, BlueRay.  I have to admit, though, to not feeling calm.  Earlier on, I had a really shaky episode.  My internal processor is still running.  I've tried to shut it off.  I know having a drink will do that, and enable me to relax.  But I don't want to do that.  I'm just taking it easy and not putting too many demands on myself. x

Sounds great Tom. You did it. I can tell you’re feeling much calmer. I’m proud of you. You pulled it off under a tyrannical storm. It’s working out really well for you. I’m happy X

The interview at the Job Centre went okay.  My job coach is really nice and very understanding.  She said that as far as she's concerned, given my history and circumstances, I wouldn't be penalised if I was to resign from the College - but she agreed that, as they're offering to keep the job open until I'm ready, then it would be a good idea to go along with that plan.  I said that I wasn't sure how long I would need, and will be seeing my doctor next week.  I certainly want to keep the option open.  If I'm called in to an OH appointment, I will see what they can suggest in terms of some reasonable adjustments for me.  At the least, I would like to have more time to focus on the essential training.  I can't handle having to do so much in a short space of time, and I wasn't aware that I would have to do these things anyway.  When I was offered the job, I was only told it was subject to satisfactory references and a DBS.  Nothing was said about needing to take qualifications.  In the application, it only said 'don't let lack of qualifications deter you from applying if you have the requisite experience.'  At interview, too, I was only told that I would be given the opportunity to study for further qualifications - as if it was something I could do if I so chose.  Having said all that, and as the job coach acknowledged, they do sound like they're prepared to be supportive.

I rang HR, anyway, to tell them of my decision.  I left a message as she wasn't there.  Waiting to hear back.

The interview today was really enjoyable. The atmosphere was very calm and reflective. I liked both interviewers and felt safe talking to them about my diagnosis. I may have been a bit too honest at times but on balance I'd rather be open.

I've got a second interview for another job on Monday which also seems promising. Of course I may not get offered either role, in which case I will probably feel quite deflated. My husband reminded me earlier it's a real achievement to have got this far.

The setting for the job you have just applied for sounds wonderful. Having lots of green space around can be so calming. You are right about keeping irons in the fire. Sooner or later something is going to work out! ()

Sunflower said:

Free dinners sounds like a fantastic perk too! 

Yes.  Because there was a large residential contingent, they had a properly run kitchen.  The food was good, too, with healthy options and a good variety.

I was lucky in that during the 9 months I worked there, they didn't rotate me out of day services.  So it was 9 to 4.  It's a lovely place, with 11 acres of parkland, a lake, an open-air theatre and its own hydro pool.  It had a rarefied atmosphere.  I used to walk or cycle in there in the mornings and there was a sense of quiet.  The training was also some of the best I've come across in care - and the manager I worked under was one of the best I've had in my working life.  Fair, no nonsense, understanding.  I'll just have to see if I get an interview.

Good luck for the interview today.  Did it feel like it went well?

Yes - autism understanding is so important.  That's why I thought my last employer would be ideal.  I learned a lesson there!  It was great in so many ways - the hours were right, and the pay was sufficient.  But the downsides really weren't worth it.

Roll on retirement!

So pleased to hear this encouraging news Tom. I am still convinced it is all going to work out for the best for you in the end. What a lovely person that Shaw Trust bloke sounds to be! 

Parking is a big thing for me too. I put it on my employment checklist. I had an interview today and went early to be sure of getting parked. Won't hear the outcome until next week as they are interviewing on Monday too. 

Keeping a really open mind about future employment. Trying hard to stick to my checklist. A real priority for me is to work somewhere where autism is understood and accepted. 

Going back to somewhere where you are known and respected seems like a very good plan. Cars are a massive expense so financially it would be really liberating to be able to walk to work. Free dinners sounds like a fantastic perk too! 

()

Thanks, Sunflower.  The Shaw Trust guy is great - a Sarf London lad like me!  He's offered to meet me tomorrow at the Job Centre, where I have an appointment to discuss the current circumstance in respect of my UC claim.  He also said he'd come with me to a WCA if I end up having one.  Finally, he offered to attend any meeting I may need to have at the College - HR, Occupational Health, etc - if they agree to it.  I think, as I explained to him today, that what really hit me was the stuff I was landed with all at once: having to do a Maths GCSE, having to do an NVQ, having to do a lot of online training... all that on top of the other new stuff to learn.  Then there was the slight negative vibe I picked up in the classroom.  Also, I've found the unpredictable nature of the parking to be a hassle.  It's very much pot luck if you can manage to park close to the College.  You never know if you're going to have to allow for a 10-minute walk or a 20-minute walk, and the traffic in that area is horrendous at rush hour.  Even though it's not that far from where I used to work (other side of the city), it takes a good hour to get home in the evenings, whereas it was around 25 minutes in the last job (which had onsite parking).  Sure, it's only for 38 weeks a year, and I get a 'recharge' break of at least one week every 6 or 7 weeks, and 2 months off over the summer, which are big bonuses.  It's about weighing it all up, though.

In other news, though... the local care charity I worked for before I took over mum's full-time care is advertising for the job role I had - Independence Trainer (basically, Support Worker with mixed special needs).  I liked working there very much. It's on an enclosed estate (former manor house).  They always treated me well, and they held my job open for me for a couple of months whilst I was caring for mum. They had to let it lapse, though - but still told me they'd like me back. The only drawback with it was the fact that they do rotations every four months, which would mean shift changes. But I can apply to be core staff in day services once in role, so that could obviate that. Day service hours are 9 to 4.  Residential is the usual earlies and lates, but I'd manage that if needs be. The main other thing is - it's 15 minutes walk from where I live, so I'd have no traveling expenses. I could get rid of the car, which would save around £1500 a year. Also, I get free dinners there.  Okay, it's back to a full year rather than term time only at the college, with those nice long holidays. But its swings and roundabouts. Anyway... I've applied, and knowing them - if they interview me - the interview will be quick in coming. 

It's lifted my spirits a bit knowing that's there.  They know I'm good at the job, and I know the staff and service users.  So... irons in the fire.  I'll see what comes up tomorrow at the Job Centre, and when I speak to HR.

Timing and readiness is everything Tom - you are doing the right thing by taking a step back. Have you considered referring yourself to Access to Work if you do decide to sign the contract? They can do a workplace assessment and put in support from the start.

If I stay in my current roles I have asked for sessions with a mentor who has specialist knowledge of autism and employment. I have also asked for autism training for my colleagues and managers. It remains to be seen if this works out OK.

My instinct is to get a job somewhere else where I don't have to keep explaining myself. There will be other pressures of course, but I want to escape the bullying behaviour, which is the thing I find most difficult to deal with. 

Do hope your GP and Shaw Trust Adviser continue to give you good advice and support. 

Take care ()

You sound like you’re taking the best care of yourself. Thinking of you X

Thanks, extraneous.  I'll see him this afternoon.  I'll cycle over.  It's along the seafront.  That'll help.  It's such a bright and sunny day.  Just very cold!

Thanks for your kind thoughts, BlueRay.  As I said above, I got some 'comfort' from a bottle last night.  But it's not something I'm going to carry on.  I've thrown the rest away.  Rest is what I need.  Not self-medication.  I slept long and soundly last night, at least.  I'm not doing anything too strenuous today.  Resting, and a bit of quiet meditation later. x

Thanks, Sunflower.  I'll see my GP tomorrow and sort out the fit note issue.  I've got to contact HR, too.  I'm going to tell them that I don't want to resign (though I haven't actually signed the contract yet), even though I don't really know if I want to keep the job on.  I don't really know anything at the moment.  My head is all over the place.  I was feeling so down yesterday I bought a bottle of wine just to take the edge off.  That inevitably led to me going out for more when it was finished.  I drank a little more, then went to bed.  This morning, I tipped the rest away.  I don't want to go down that route again.  I managed 30 days without, and it isn't the solution.  But it lifted me a bit yesterday.

I really thought I was ready to return.  But all of it - the small classroom with the music constantly playing, the unfriendly vibe I got from that colleague (she may just have been having a bad day), the realisation of all the training they want me to do (including a GCSE and an NVQ - neither of which I expected) - it just hit me like a train.  Even the long holidays didn't ameliorate it.  Standing back and looking at it objectively, it's all manageable.  I've done these things before in my life.  But I can't look at it that way - at least, not at the moment.  It's just all this stuff falling in on me.