Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry - I wasn't going to come here and bother you good people again. But the truth is, I've got nowhere else to go where there might be people who will understand.
I start my new job tomorrow. And I'm scared. Not just the usual night-before jitters that I always get before starting a new job. No - really scared. It's eight weeks now since I was last at my old job, as many of you will know. I went sick that day with a horrible anxiety attack - and I didn't go back. I worked my ticket. While I was off, I had my interview for this new job, and got it. It was such a relief just to give notice and know that at least I didn't have to face that woman again. For all of that, though, the job was perfect for me in so many other ways. The part-time hours were right, the pay was enough. It fit the bill. And it just seemed to drop in my lap right when I most needed it, after my time caring for mum, then the months of coming to terms with her passing. I felt blessed. But it went wrong, and that's all there is to it. And so to now.
The new job will be more demanding in a lot of ways. It's a far bigger organisation, it's full-time hours again (albeit term-time only, so longer holidays), and there's a huge amount to learn. They've already got me on the online courses, and there's over thirty of them - many of them long courses. I hate online learning, too. It doesn't work for me. But there it is.
That's incidental, though. The main thing is... this time off has made me realise just how exhausted I was. How much I needed a break. Since Christmas, when I stopped drinking and started to sleep better, I've been managing 10 hours a night, then still feeling the need for afternoon naps. And by nine in the evening, I'm exhausted again. Through doing very little except keep house, do shopping, read and watch films. I know 'doing nothng' can be tiring. But it's more than that. It's as if I've finally been catching up with what I need. And now it's all going to change again - and change up, too.
I know I have a tendency to think the worst, and it's all unknown... and that, by the end of the week, I may feel a lot better. But the thing I really feel is... it has to work this time. This is the last time. I'm sixty in May. Just a number, but it feels significant. Maybe I've made a mistake in changing jobs so quickly, not giving myself proper time. But I panicked. And I just felt it was what I had to do.
If this doesn't work out, if it proves too much, if it's too soon... I'll burn out. I think that may be actually what I'm experiencing already, with all the sleeping and exhaustion. These last 3 years have been some of my most challenging. The end of a damaging relationship and the fallout from that. Then mum's illness and death. Then the problems in my last job, and what that led to.
I just hope this is the right thing I'm doing. I hope.
But scared is what I am.
Have you told your new employer about your condition?
Yes, absolutely. I always make that clear at interview.
I hope your second day goes ok.
I was up front about my Autistic traits at my latest interview last Monday.
And... I haven't heard a word from them.
That is excellent news. Good to keep as many options open as possible.
I got thoroughly confused talking to ATW on the phone as they use such specific terminology for employment support. I have sent you a PM with the info they emailed me afterwards just in case it is helpful.
I really like the idea of having someone I can talk to and check things out with other than my line manager. It will make me feel a lot more secure.
Know what you mean about the appeal of time off every few weeks. However a lot of people who work in schools and colleges barely function by the time they get to the holiday periods, and often get ill then too!
Worth weighing everything up very carefully and then doing what is best for you.
()
I have an interview next Friday morning. It'll be interesting to see what they're offering. I think I'll be honest about my situation, and see if they might be willing to be flexible with me over a few things - especially the rotational contracts. They know I'm good at the job, and they always said that they'd take me back... so I may have some leverage. It also gives me a bit more time to step back a bit and really think over my options. I didn't hear back from HR at the College, having left a message this morning, with a follow-up email later. I told them I wanted to keep the offer open. I'll try them again on Monday, after I've seen my doctor, and see what kind of flexibility they may be able to offer. If they'll give me some more time with the training - not too much early pressure - it may be doable considering the long breaks, which would really be a bonus. The thought of at least a week off every six or so weeks is very enticing. But then so is working close to home, in familiar surroundings, with people I already know and conditions that are pretty good.
Access to Work, too, is something I can always mention. I think it could be very useful - particularly having a support worker.
The interview today was really enjoyable. The atmosphere was very calm and reflective. I liked both interviewers and felt safe talking to them about my diagnosis. I may have been a bit too honest at times but on balance I'd rather be open.
I've got a second interview for another job on Monday which also seems promising. Of course I may not get offered either role, in which case I will probably feel quite deflated. My husband reminded me earlier it's a real achievement to have got this far.
The setting for the job you have just applied for sounds wonderful. Having lots of green space around can be so calming. You are right about keeping irons in the fire. Sooner or later something is going to work out! ()
Sunflower said: Free dinners sounds like a fantastic perk too!
Yes. Because there was a large residential contingent, they had a properly run kitchen. The food was good, too, with healthy options and a good variety.
I was lucky in that during the 9 months I worked there, they didn't rotate me out of day services. So it was 9 to 4. It's a lovely place, with 11 acres of parkland, a lake, an open-air theatre and its own hydro pool. It had a rarefied atmosphere. I used to walk or cycle in there in the mornings and there was a sense of quiet. The training was also some of the best I've come across in care - and the manager I worked under was one of the best I've had in my working life. Fair, no nonsense, understanding. I'll just have to see if I get an interview.
Good luck for the interview today. Did it feel like it went well?
Yes - autism understanding is so important. That's why I thought my last employer would be ideal. I learned a lesson there! It was great in so many ways - the hours were right, and the pay was sufficient. But the downsides really weren't worth it.
Roll on retirement!
So pleased to hear this encouraging news Tom. I am still convinced it is all going to work out for the best for you in the end. What a lovely person that Shaw Trust bloke sounds to be!
Parking is a big thing for me too. I put it on my employment checklist. I had an interview today and went early to be sure of getting parked. Won't hear the outcome until next week as they are interviewing on Monday too.
Keeping a really open mind about future employment. Trying hard to stick to my checklist. A real priority for me is to work somewhere where autism is understood and accepted.
Going back to somewhere where you are known and respected seems like a very good plan. Cars are a massive expense so financially it would be really liberating to be able to walk to work. Free dinners sounds like a fantastic perk too!
Thanks, Sunflower. The Shaw Trust guy is great - a Sarf London lad like me! He's offered to meet me tomorrow at the Job Centre, where I have an appointment to discuss the current circumstance in respect of my UC claim. He also said he'd come with me to a WCA if I end up having one. Finally, he offered to attend any meeting I may need to have at the College - HR, Occupational Health, etc - if they agree to it. I think, as I explained to him today, that what really hit me was the stuff I was landed with all at once: having to do a Maths GCSE, having to do an NVQ, having to do a lot of online training... all that on top of the other new stuff to learn. Then there was the slight negative vibe I picked up in the classroom. Also, I've found the unpredictable nature of the parking to be a hassle. It's very much pot luck if you can manage to park close to the College. You never know if you're going to have to allow for a 10-minute walk or a 20-minute walk, and the traffic in that area is horrendous at rush hour. Even though it's not that far from where I used to work (other side of the city), it takes a good hour to get home in the evenings, whereas it was around 25 minutes in the last job (which had onsite parking). Sure, it's only for 38 weeks a year, and I get a 'recharge' break of at least one week every 6 or 7 weeks, and 2 months off over the summer, which are big bonuses. It's about weighing it all up, though.
In other news, though... the local care charity I worked for before I took over mum's full-time care is advertising for the job role I had - Independence Trainer (basically, Support Worker with mixed special needs). I liked working there very much. It's on an enclosed estate (former manor house). They always treated me well, and they held my job open for me for a couple of months whilst I was caring for mum. They had to let it lapse, though - but still told me they'd like me back. The only drawback with it was the fact that they do rotations every four months, which would mean shift changes. But I can apply to be core staff in day services once in role, so that could obviate that. Day service hours are 9 to 4. Residential is the usual earlies and lates, but I'd manage that if needs be. The main other thing is - it's 15 minutes walk from where I live, so I'd have no traveling expenses. I could get rid of the car, which would save around £1500 a year. Also, I get free dinners there. Okay, it's back to a full year rather than term time only at the college, with those nice long holidays. But its swings and roundabouts. Anyway... I've applied, and knowing them - if they interview me - the interview will be quick in coming.
It's lifted my spirits a bit knowing that's there. They know I'm good at the job, and I know the staff and service users. So... irons in the fire. I'll see what comes up tomorrow at the Job Centre, and when I speak to HR.