Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry - I wasn't going to come here and bother you good people again. But the truth is, I've got nowhere else to go where there might be people who will understand.
I start my new job tomorrow. And I'm scared. Not just the usual night-before jitters that I always get before starting a new job. No - really scared. It's eight weeks now since I was last at my old job, as many of you will know. I went sick that day with a horrible anxiety attack - and I didn't go back. I worked my ticket. While I was off, I had my interview for this new job, and got it. It was such a relief just to give notice and know that at least I didn't have to face that woman again. For all of that, though, the job was perfect for me in so many other ways. The part-time hours were right, the pay was enough. It fit the bill. And it just seemed to drop in my lap right when I most needed it, after my time caring for mum, then the months of coming to terms with her passing. I felt blessed. But it went wrong, and that's all there is to it. And so to now.
The new job will be more demanding in a lot of ways. It's a far bigger organisation, it's full-time hours again (albeit term-time only, so longer holidays), and there's a huge amount to learn. They've already got me on the online courses, and there's over thirty of them - many of them long courses. I hate online learning, too. It doesn't work for me. But there it is.
That's incidental, though. The main thing is... this time off has made me realise just how exhausted I was. How much I needed a break. Since Christmas, when I stopped drinking and started to sleep better, I've been managing 10 hours a night, then still feeling the need for afternoon naps. And by nine in the evening, I'm exhausted again. Through doing very little except keep house, do shopping, read and watch films. I know 'doing nothng' can be tiring. But it's more than that. It's as if I've finally been catching up with what I need. And now it's all going to change again - and change up, too.
I know I have a tendency to think the worst, and it's all unknown... and that, by the end of the week, I may feel a lot better. But the thing I really feel is... it has to work this time. This is the last time. I'm sixty in May. Just a number, but it feels significant. Maybe I've made a mistake in changing jobs so quickly, not giving myself proper time. But I panicked. And I just felt it was what I had to do.
If this doesn't work out, if it proves too much, if it's too soon... I'll burn out. I think that may be actually what I'm experiencing already, with all the sleeping and exhaustion. These last 3 years have been some of my most challenging. The end of a damaging relationship and the fallout from that. Then mum's illness and death. Then the problems in my last job, and what that led to.
I just hope this is the right thing I'm doing. I hope.
But scared is what I am.
The interview at the Job Centre went okay. My job coach is really nice and very understanding. She said that as far as she's concerned, given my history and circumstances, I wouldn't be penalised if I was to resign from the College - but she agreed that, as they're offering to keep the job open until I'm ready, then it would be a good idea to go along with that plan. I said that I wasn't sure how long I would need, and will be seeing my doctor next week. I certainly want to keep the option open. If I'm called in to an OH appointment, I will see what they can suggest in terms of some reasonable adjustments for me. At the least, I would like to have more time to focus on the essential training. I can't handle having to do so much in a short space of time, and I wasn't aware that I would have to do these things anyway. When I was offered the job, I was only told it was subject to satisfactory references and a DBS. Nothing was said about needing to take qualifications. In the application, it only said 'don't let lack of qualifications deter you from applying if you have the requisite experience.' At interview, too, I was only told that I would be given the opportunity to study for further qualifications - as if it was something I could do if I so chose. Having said all that, and as the job coach acknowledged, they do sound like they're prepared to be supportive.
I rang HR, anyway, to tell them of my decision. I left a message as she wasn't there. Waiting to hear back.
Sounds great Tom. You did it. I can tell you’re feeling much calmer. I’m proud of you. You pulled it off under a tyrannical storm. It’s working out really well for you. I’m happy X
Thanks, BlueRay. I have to admit, though, to not feeling calm. Earlier on, I had a really shaky episode. My internal processor is still running. I've tried to shut it off. I know having a drink will do that, and enable me to relax. But I don't want to do that. I'm just taking it easy and not putting too many demands on myself. x
I love this quote by Marina Warner:
'I write to discover things: to learn how to think and to know what I feel. I puzzle out problems, some of them personal and some of them of larger scope, but still personal. The imagination interests me, its patterns and imagery, its silences and its shouts; I like to explore what gets into it and lodges there (hence my research into myths and fairy tales). Reading until the world disappears and is replaced by the making of the mind's eye gives me the greatest pleasure; when I write, I stumble after this experience. I also believe writing makes something happen, in spite of evidence to the contrary, so it's important to take part through words and pictures made of words and ideas made of both.'
Well said on all counts.
"I write to find out what I know."...
( ...Greetings, from a person who Writes and also Draws. I tried to find that exact Quote upon the Internet, but I only found approximations; But it is good (apparently) to eliminate the "negative" word (...!)
"I write to find out what I didn't know I knew." - Robert Frost
“I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.” - Flannery O'Connor
“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” - Joan Didion
...But for the Economy, this is a best which I have looked up (and is what I try to do myself lately)...
“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly
...That is all for this Post. )
I’m the same with writing. It’s always been a form of meditation for me and I absolutely write, to find out what I know. It’s how I learn and relax. It’s what I’ve always done. :)
Yes, you're right, I know.
I don't have a TV (haven't for many years) and I can't be bothered with the news, or music, or anything else. I've been doodling a bit today. Just doing a bit of writing, which is helping to lift me out of myself. Objectifying my thoughts in that way is often a good thing. I've read the AA big book and yes, it does have some inspiring stories. Drink isn't something I'm seriously contemplating, though. I'm not feeling urges like that. I'm quite content to have a cup of tea, and maybe later watch a film.
I've been noodling for a while with an idea for a novel I want to write, but it hasn't quite come together yet. Many of the pieces are there, but I can't quite see how to fit them together. Approaching writing is often like approaching a puzzle: you have to move a few pieces around, and fit a few in place, before you can begin to see the picture emerging. E L Doctorow had a good analogy for it: 'Writing a novel is a bit like driving at night. You can only see as far as the headlights - but you can make the whole journey that way.'
Writing is a form of meditation, too. I can't remember which writer it was that said 'I write to find out what I know.' Yes, I'd go along with that to some extent - fanciful though it sounds. I've often found that to be the case - that I don't know what I'm writing about until it's written... and then it all becomes clear to me!
Tom, I can be crying my eyes out, sobbing in fact, saying I want to kill myself, and not even realise, I’m upset!!! It’s the nature of autism.
But trust me. You’re much calmer. You’ve come through all that, under the cloud of a ferocious black storm, but you pulled it off.
Our minds, the internal processor, as you call it, will always be working. That’s it’s job. Our job is not to shut it up, but direct it’s thoughts towards the ones that serve us.
Stop watching the news, or anything like that, cut out tv altogether, for a week, and instead direct your thoughts to all that’s good in the world. It doesn’t mean your denying all that’s wrong, but just as a way of an experiment, focus your thoughts on all that’s good.
For example, get a big book (AA) ~ (let me know if you need one) ~ and read the encouraging good news stories at the back of the book. Read over some of your past writings, that you’re most proud of and most pleased with. And just enjoy reading it. I don’t know if you feel alive in nature, but if you do, go outside and really enjoy it. The mind will keep trying to force you to listen to its thoughts, but you can kindly and gently, say no, I’m experiencing this tree, or the sounds of the birds. Or even just a lonesome patch of grass in the most unusual place. If man was in charge of nature, it would all be gone by now. That’s the same force that runs through nature and Daisy. Sit quietly and watch Daisy. Relaxed, just enjoying the moment. No rush. The life force that runs through Daisy, also runs through you. Feel it. Allow yourself to feel joy. It doesn’t mean you’re forgetting all the bad stuff. You can pick that back up anytime. But just for a little while, allow yourself to relax, and give the weight of the world, to whatever it is that’s bigger than you. You don’t have to do it for long. Just sit and really experience the pleasure of watching how Daisy conducts her life. Because that’s our true nature as well. It’s just our thoughts sometimes get the better of us. Especially as autistics when we do that cyclic catastrophic rigid black and white thinking. We can learn to slowly channel it for our good though, but we have to give ourselves a break from it first. Just give yourself some time.
You’ve really pulled this off. Be proud of yourself, despite what your feelings are doing or telling you, you’ve done really well. Most people have a loving supportive partner or parent or friend, to help them through such times. You’ve done this and honestly, you know me, I speak my mind, but to me, you’ve really outdone yourself. You’ve really pulled this off to a more than satisfactory conclusion. Despite that thinking mind trying to pull you down.
It’s not our job to shut it up, but to gently guide it towards more wholesome thoughts, and it’s like taming a wild animal. It takes time and patience, we can’t force it. Like the wild animal, it will simply rebel. But with respect and kindness, we can gently guide it towards more harmonious thinking. To thoughts that bring us joy. Meditation really helps, even when it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. It is.