Scared

I may actually contest the need for a GCSE - but I think it's a statutory requirement for the education sector.  Even though I'm 'teaching' students with PMLD... so basically, it'll be an achievement if they can learn to catch a ball.  None of them knows what a numeral even means, let alone how to add up.

I’m done with all that anyway. And that’s one of the things I hated. The fact that they used to ask so many questions. I used to tell them whatever came into my head but I hated the intrusion. So I’m never going to work for anyone again. 

I've done that, too.  But it seems it's not that straightforward with an educational institution.  They ask for qualification certificates.  And if you can't provide them (we're going back over 40 years, after all), they assume you don't have them... and ask you to take them.  My line manager told me that she had to take GCSE Maths and English because she hadn't done them at school.  She's probably in her mid-50s. 

I got a Grade A CSE in English - O Level equivalent.  I think if I hadn't also had a university degree, they'd have asked me for an English GCSE, too.

I can't help agreeing with you there.

I never have

For many jobs you have to produce certificates proving your qualifications at the interview, or before you begin work. 

That’s what I think so I always say I have it. It’s seems the easiest way to put an end to the question 

The situation is absurd.  If you have successfully completed a degree, nobody should be asking you about your GCSEs at your age.

And decimals, fractions, basic geometry, finding areas and displaying statistical data ( histograms, pie charts).

I suppose it was as soon as we started moving beyond basic addition.  I've done as you've said, and gone back over stuff.  In my 20s, thinking I might need a maths O level as a precondition of university, I started a course.  But I continually found myself going off course with the areas mentioned.  I tried and tried with algebra, but anything beyond the very basics would not sink in.  And maybe that 'interest' thing is relevant.  I wasn't interested in it.  I was doing it for no other reason than that I felt I needed to.  Then, when I discovered that the uni would accept me on the basis of the access course alone, I abandoned maths.

I have a good capacity for mental arithmetic - I can add stuff up in my head, multiply, divide, subtract, find fractions.  But that's about it.  And I can almost guess what you're going to say to that!

Where did you start feeling that you were going off the tracks?  As I said, it essentially all boils down to counting and addition (and addition boils down to counting) .  The difficulty with maths however is that it's a "ladder subject" and each new topic builds on the earlier topics.  So if you have gaps, or areas that you don't really understand, they eventually build into insurmountable obstacles when your understanding can no longer bear the weight of what's expected of them.  The solution to that is to go back to where you started losing track and repair your understanding, then go forwards again.

Another problem is that maths has an awful lot of vocabulary that should have very specific meanings when used in a mathematical context, and associated with that a lot of notation.  It doesn't help that a lot of the words are also used in "everyday English" but the mathematical definitions are slightly different in some way.  So it takes a lot of effort to get to grips what the language and notation.  Once you get over that hurdle you find it makes sense.  It doesn't help that these days most textbooks etc. are absolutely diabolical at defining their terms, plus they are written in an incredibly non-mathematical way.

As a afterthought... since the age of 19, I have spent thousands of hours practicing at the piano - and I'm still rubbish at it!  I was talking to someone the other day about 'talent', and he's adamant that it doesn't exist.  It's all about interest and practice.  Well... I've always had a strong interest in playing the piano, and have practiced hard...

Dyscalculia, too.  Although I don't have that.  But maths was always a problem for me at school.  I could never really get the hang of geometry, trigonometry or algebra (all of which are in the GCSE).  Even in later years, with a more mature and organised approach, I've struggled with some of those principles.

I've always firmly believed in the old 'left brain/right brain' idea of how certain people can be 'good' at certain things like logic, spatial awareness, creative thinking, etc.  I know it's very easy to generalise with these things.  But I know that I've always had difficulties with anything that you might regard as generally 'left brain'.  Maybe it is just early practice - the '10,000 hour' idea that explains the prodigious proficiency of, say, a Gates or a Mozart.

Being interested is, of course, fundamental.  I was reading an obituary earlier of the polymath musician and composer Michel Legrande.  I wonder if he was on the spectrum!  Apparently, as a very young child, his absolute refusal to attend school reached the pitch where he would lie on the floor screaming until his mother capitulated.  Thereafter, he was left to his own devices in their flat.  He spent his time mainly at the piano, and by the age of 6 had learned to compose.  At ten, he was accepted into the Paris Conservatoire, where he learnt to play every orchestral instrument 'so that nobody could bulls**t me when I was conducting!'  As he said later in life: 'By instinct I knew that I didn't want to waste my time learning things that I didn't give a s**t about.'

Martian Tom said:

not having much of a mathematical brain

Here's something they don't tell you.  There isn't really such a thing as a mathematical brain.  People may have a slight predisposition to it, but in the long-run that doesn't really make any odds.  The people who you thought had "mathematical brains" - they just happened to be better prepared.  They made sure you never knew that though because it would destroy their "mystique".

What ultimately makes people good at maths is being interested in it and being prepared to put the work in.

There are some people who do have specific learning disabilities like dyspraxia, and to an extent dyslexia which make it much harder, but I think severe forms of those are relatively rare.  At GCSE level it pretty much all boils down to counting and addition :-).

Many students have problems with maths. 

So the grade boundaries are ridiculously low.

On the new  syllabus with the 9 to 1 grades.  I was recently told by a maths tutor that last year's boundaries were ( I'm quoting this from memory). 21% for a grade 4.  33% for a grade 5.  When taking the higher paper.

These are considered to be the 'pass' grades 

Not so much that, Robert, as being hit with a lot of stuff at once - a fair bit of it unexpected.  Some prior knowledge that I would need to take these qualifications would have been useful - say, at offer stage.  You don't expect to be told it all in your contract.  It was never made clear.  Couple that with the fact that I was quite back to full recovery (I thought I was, but everything hit me like a train).  It's taken me a few days to actually begin to take it all in and rationalise it a bit more.  I'll speak to HR again on Monday and see what they have to say.

I suppose they're at least being upfront and thorough about the training, unlike the experience you had.

Robert124 said:

GCSE maths should be a walk in the park for any adult.

Really?  I'm sure I'll manage it.  But I think that's a pretty broad assessment.  I've looked at elements of GCSE Maths before and found it pretty challenging - not having much of a mathematical brain.

I love this quote by Marina Warner:

'I write to discover things: to learn how to think and to know what I feel. I puzzle out problems, some of them personal and some of them of larger scope, but still personal. The imagination interests me, its patterns and imagery, its silences and its shouts; I like to explore what gets into it and lodges there (hence my research into myths and fairy tales). Reading until the world disappears and is replaced by the making of the mind's eye gives me the greatest pleasure; when I write, I stumble after this experience. I also believe writing makes something happen, in spite of evidence to the contrary, so it's important to take part through words and pictures made of words and ideas made of both.'

You seem to be very concerned about the training.  Why?  What's the worse that can happen?  Will they fire you if you don't complete it successfully?

The GCSE maths should be a walk in the park for any adult.  And the rest, just take it a day at a time.

Sometimes sleep is the very thing we need. I know I wouldn’t be where I am now, if I hadn’t of had two years of sleep. 

As for which job to take, wait and see if you get offered the other one, and then make your decision. In the meantime, when your mind brings you thoughts, if they’re about either of the jobs or the situation, just thanks them kindly and say although you’re grateful for it’s help, those thoughts aren’t helpful to you right now. Then choose some thoughts that are or I find the best I can do at times when the monkey mind is going really crazy, is to simply distract it with something really lovely such as an old black and white film with a delightfully happy ending. 

As aspies, we don’t do well with change so I’m finding if I accept that, then I accept that how I am feeling etc is part and parcel of the change, so I think about how I can help it, for example, extra self care etc etc, and that coupled with the acceptance, usually makes all ill feelings disappear. It’s only when I don’t accept them, therefore fight them or try to work them out etc. 

Have you watched any YouTube videos on how to stop the repetitive thinking that we do? I learned how to get a handle on it from one specific youtube video, I think it was from the one I posted the other day to someone. I watched several, but that one just clicked for me. They’re usually relatively short so I was able to watch several until I found one that really helped. I can repost that if you’re interested. 

I'm feeling quite bleak at the moment.  As low as I've felt for ages.  I suppose it's quite natural, given the circumstances.

My head is just chaos.  I've tried to slow it with meditation, but nothing works.  Sleep works - when it comes.  But I'm having some vivid dreams, mostly connected in some way to mum and dad.

I really don't know what I want.  Part of me wants to just pull myself together and face up to this job, ask for reasonable adjustments, ask for time to complete the training they want me to do, ask if I can do it under my own steam.  One of the other workers on my section said that I could always apply for part-time, too, so maybe I could also look at reducing my days eventually (which would mean some kind of benefit top-up).  Or go with this other job if I get offered it: local, familiar, known territory.

And another part of me is asking if I'm really ready for any of this just now.  I feel like shutting down and hiding.  Closing out the world.  Hibernating.  I find myself craving sleep all the time, just for that temporary absence from it all.  Do I really want to be taking all this on at my age?

I'd just like something simple.  A job I can go to, do my job, finish and go home.  Like I had before it all went wrong.  I don't want the complications.  I do want to be able to work for a living, and be independent.  But I need it to be on my terms.

Doesn't everyone want that, though...