Scared

Thanks again, BlueRay.  I'm doing what I can with being positive.  Honestly - seeing my brother would not be a good thing.  Apart from his wife, of course, he's the last person I would go to.  He's very much her puppy dog.  He doesn't have a lot of time for me and hasn't done for many years.  I've tried many times to smooth the waters and to reach out to him - but things that happened around mum's final illness, my caring for her, and then the aftermath of her passing... I won't go into it, but he and his wife did some damage, and I find it very hard to accept.  I can forgive him because I think he doesn't really know his own mind - it's controlled by her.  I suggested at the time we have a sit down and a talk, but he wasn't interested.  His own daughter has tried, but he's resistant to her, too.  He walked past his own son in the street and didn't acknowledge him.  I think he's afraid to face things.  He's afraid of the consequences for himself.  He told me once he hates being alone with his thoughts.  He's very buttoned up emotionally.  No... I've held out the hand, and he's refused to take it.  So, I'll leave it to him now to make any moves.  I've done my bit, and I need to move on. 

Martian Tom I can't add much except to agree this isn't your fault, it's a bear garden there and the pressure is ridiculous. I do get why you're feeling so awful but please don't feel like it's all your fault, I think we all struggle daily with the grim economics of AS. It'll sort itself out one way or another - hope your adviser can help.

I’ve had to come back on here. I’m sat reading and listening to rain (on YouTube)  but I have a strong urge to reach out and comfort you ~ not that I’d have a clue how to do that, lol, I’m the world’s worst comforter (and the world’s worst receiver of it) but I feel like that’s all you really need. I don’t know how it’s actualy done, but consider yourself comforted ~ I’ll send it through the ether

Hi Tom it really is impossible to know how ready we are to return to work until we try. You had doubts about this job, but if you hadn't had a go you would have been left wondering what might have been.

Where health problems relate to a specific job the fit note may not be that relevant to a different role. I'm not surprised it didn't occur to you to mention it.

The main thing now is to take good care of yourself (and Daisy) and focus on positive steps like seeing your Shaw Trust adviser. ()

It’s a mistake I have made many times, going back to work before I’m ready, that’s why this time, I’m taking my time. I tried a short spell of part time work last year, which didn’t work out because I just wasn’t ready, but I guess I had to try it, to realise that. 

I don’t think you’ve screwed up Tom, on the contrary. You’ve shown great determination to get back to work and you’ve done everything within your power to keep going. If that’s not the best thing for you just now, then so be it. Please don’t give yourself a hard time over it. 

I would really love for you to contact your brother or neice or sister in law (obviously not the narcissistic one) and just spend a little bit of time with them. I know we like our own company, but sometimes it does us good to be around people who love and care for us and I know your family do, how could they not? 

It sounds like work are being great about this. I don’t think your competence is in question and if you go for another job, you don’t even have to mention this one. 

You’re doing remarkably well, under the circumstances Tom. It’s probably hard for you to see that right now, but you are. I think you just need a bit of time for yourself. Spend sometime outdoors or reading your favourite books or better still, watching your favourite comedy’s. 

You’re doing ok. You’re experiencing a lot of current and old emotions and we all know emotions are hard for us, they confuse us and make us wonder what the hells going on which can make us feel like we’re drowning, but we’re not, it just feels that way. 

The best thing to do, to counteract it and open up some space to process stuff, is to focus on the opposite. For example, keep bringing your thoughts back to all that’s good. Daisy, your writing, the sea, the great outdoors. Yes, there’s much that isn’t perfect in the world, but there’s much that is, and that’s where we need to train our thoughts to live. 

You can at least know that you’ve done everything you can to keep in regular employment, so maybe it’s simply a sign that you need a bit more rest. 

Be extra kind to yourself, and treat yourself as you would anybody else that you loved dearly. Keep focusing on the good and remember this is just a spell, it will pass. Take care 

I think I've truly screwed everything up.  My last medical certificate was issued to cover me up to 15th February - essentially to get me beyond the period of notice at my last employer and to cover me on my UC claim.  I hadn't thought about it when filling in the Health Questionnaire for my new employer because I didn't think of it as 'undergoing current medical treatment' - and I was fully expecting to go into my new job role fully ready and capable.

I've been in touch with HR, who are being very supportive in the circumstances.  They've asked me to send an email confirming this, which they will attach to the questionnaire.  If I go sick, there will be an Occupational Health interview, and from there it will be decided as to whether or not I am fit to return to the role in the short term.  As I've said to them, I really don't know.  This has caught me unawares.

They could well determine that I am not suitable for the role and let me go - which won't look good for future employment applications.

The DWP have set up an interview with me on Friday to discuss my current situation.  I'm also seeing my Employment and Wellbeing Adviser at Shaw Trust tomorrow.

But everything seems to be in a mess now.  Why didn't I wait until I was ready?  But I thought I was?

What's happening to me?

Thanks.  My niece is okay to talk to - but she still doesn't get autism.  I've tried lots of ways of demonstrating what it's all about, but she still tends to come down with 'lots of people have problems at work, lots of people get depressions,' etc.  Then she'll say things like one of her employees 'is definitely autistic because he is always interrupting conversations, he gets annoyed if you bother him, he's not very friendly', etc... so I tend not to pursue it!  At least she shows some empathy, though.  My brother?  No.  I'm just not comfortable in his company any more, and the feeling is mutual. 

I went in today and spoke first to my line manager, who - as I thought - was great.  Her oldest son is an Aspie with a lot of emotional regulation issues, so she knows how it can be.  She got me an appointment with HR straight away and sat in on the meeting.  Basically, they both think I should see my doctor, and should not return to work until I'm really ready for it.  As I explained, I don't know how long that might take, and I don't want to keep them holding a job open, because that isn't fair on anyone.  They then told me to go home and think things over for a couple of days, then let them know on Friday how I want to go forwards.  Either to resign, or defer starting.  They said if I go sick and defer starting, that would automatically trigger an OH appointment, which would then lead to a decision being made about whether to keep me on (with reasonable adjustments) or terminate my employment.

I spoke to my Shaw Trust Employment Adviser, who said I should take them at their word and stay on.  That way, if they let me go, I'm covered.  'Play the system', he said 'even if you don't like doing that.'

Thing is... a large part of me doesn't want to go back now.  I'm just not sure it's going to be right, after all.  My taster yesterday, in the department (see above), didn't inspire me.  That then means, though, getting back on the job search.  And the pool is getting smaller the older I get.

I wish you had someone there to share this with Tom. What about your neice or ex sister in law? Would you talk to them about it? 

You’re not back to square one if this job doesn’t work out, it just means that this job didn’t work out, but we don’t even know that yet. 

You’re feeling the fear of it all, which is understandable, that’s why I’d love it if you went and had a cuppa and a biscuit with your neice or sister in law or even your brother. Sod the narcissist sister in law, if you need your brother right now, despite what’s gone off between you both, don’t tell anything get in the way, including pride or fear or anything else. 

You're going through some big changes, I’m sure it would make a huge difference if you spent a little bit of time with either your brother, ex sister in law or your neice. You don’t even have to discuss anything, just being with people that we love, even for a little while, can sometimes be enough. 

All other past hurts will come rushing to the forefront, this is how it works. If you don’t stay at work today, would you consider calling your brother or one of the others? I think you would benefit from spending a little bit of time with them. 

I just get a strong sense that a bit of time out would be good for you, meaning go and have a coffee with your brother, or your neice or ex sister in law, just for the sake of it, not necessarily to discuss things, maybe not at all to discuss things, maybe you could ask them about them ~ get out of your own mind for a little while. We do need people around us sometimes. 

Anyway, let us know how you get on this morning. Unless there’s any chance of going back to your old job, there’s no point in going over how good it was there. All of this is just what we do when we’re fearful and it’s not necessarily helpful. 

I trust you get a good car parking spot at least this morning and that it goes in the way that will serve you the best. And if you do get the day off, do something you know you enjoy such as being in nature, going for a coffee, going to the sea but I also strongly would love for you to go and see either your brother, ex sister in law or neice or other family member. Did you once say you had an auntie as well? Think of you X

Thanks.  Yes.  I'm not the only one to have queries on the contract.  One of the other guys in my induction group is coming on board as a programme leader in the arts department.  He was very unhappy on a few points yesterday, and was even saying he may withdraw if things aren't settled.

I didn't sleep last night and the night has just flown by.  I texted my Employment and Wellbeing Adviser at Shaw Trust and said I need to speak to him sometime.  I'm going in this morning to see my line manager, but I know I won't be up to working today - not that I can do much hands on stuff at the moment as my DBS  still hasn't come through.

My head's just in a mess right now.  So anxious that my heart is pounding.

My contract goes on to say that I should raise any concerns before accepting this appointment, and that they then reserve the right to require me to undergo a medical examination by a doctor of their choice at their expense.  That may be my best way forwards.

So much is riding on this.  If I'm back to square one with jobseeking and sickness, it's going to be a struggle.  My last job was just so right in so many ways for me - the hours, the money, the distance.  It was manageable, despite the fact that things weren't ideal condition-wise.  But then this bullying happened, and ruined everything.

I think I'm also being hit by a backwash from mum's passing.  The last few months have stirred so much up.

I think you're right Tom, speak to your manager before signing it. Speak to her like you would a friend, be honest, you're not saying you can't do it, but that you feel uncertain and therefore don't feel confident about moving forwards until you have discussed it. 

Let them know what concerns you have, for example, how long is a reasonable amount of time in which to complete the courses and how much time are they estimated to take. 

This is a perfectly reasonable response and one that is considered, thoughtful and honest. You're not doubting yourself, you just feel a little uncertain. It might be that after a chat, you feel perfectly ok about it all. 

Due to our autism, we often need a little extra time to process stuff and we need total clarity, in order for us to proceed with honesty. 

I think it is perfectly reasonable for anybody, autistic or not, to get more clarity before signing anything. 

Also, do you know about change of routines etc? Are these likely to happen? Think about what things could trigger a shut down. 

You will be showing the qualities of a trusted employer by being honest about your uncertainty, and ultimately of course, you have to consider your health and well being. 

How are you feeling now? 

I've just taken a look at my contract, which I got today to sign.  They want me to sign up for courses in Maths GCSE (don't have one) and an NVQ in Support straight away and complete them in reasonable time (whatever that is), on top of the other online mandatory training I have to do.  On top of what I saw and felt today, I just feel everything caving in right now.  I'm not sure, healthwise, I'm really up to this.  I think I went in too quickly after what happened before. 

In the Health section of my contract, it says the offer is 'conditional upon your express confirmation that you are fit to perform your duties and that you do not suffer from any medical condition that would place you or any colleague or customer in any danger in terms of health or safety.'

and

'If there is anything you are uncertain about in relation to your health, you should raise the matter with HR before accepting this appointment.'

and

'The offer is subject to there being no medical impediment to your undertaking the duties of this post.'

I don't know what to do.  My line manager is a really nice person.  She interviewed me and is really friendly and approachable.  I'm sure she will understand.  I think I should talk to her tomorrow.  I just don't know what the answer is on my health.  I just don't know.  I don't want anything to happen, and I go sick, and they then say that I didn't tell them anything.

I think I need to mention my circumstances in the past few months.

I'm really panicking now.

I can understand all that, especially about the divorce. I said on another post recently, how, looking back, I can see that even from starting school, I never really understood why I needed to be there or why I needed to be educated. It’s like I never understood one thing, then another thing would come along and I never took the time or had the understanding or awareness of how to process stuff so stuff just got stacked up and backed up. But it’s like we don’t forget stuff, and I think they come back up for processing, when we’re ready and able to process them. 

Writing helps me tremendously and you know, you’ve got a good balance. You’re open to the possibility of a longer rest, you’re aware of the extra pressures from this new job, and you’ve followed your heart by doing what you believe is the right thing to do, whilst also knowing that you don’t know what the outcome will be, but you’re taking it one step at a time, one day at a time anyway, which, in truth, is all we can ever do. 

I don’t know if you can see what a great balance you have managed to achieve. Which is no easy thing for us autistics, given our rigid and black and white thinking styles and our tendency to not share our concerns with others. You’re doing really well and if this job turns out to be not the thing for you, it won’t be because you let yourself down. It will be because you did the best you could, which to be honest, really is better than one could expect, given your situation etc, so you have already done yourself proud.

What happens now, is a matter of finding out if this job is a good fit for you and I really do think that you’re in the right frame of mind, to be able to make that decision, when and if it needs to be made. And you know that no matter what happens, all your friends on here will still be here for you :) I trust the next couple of weeks will at least be steady for you, and do the car park prayer!!! We learned this in AA and it works, every time, when we remember to do it. Before you set off on your journey, you imagine the ideal parking spot, close to work, in a safe place and a perfect walking distance from work. Then you imagine yourself, pulling into the spot, as it waits patiently for you. Feel what it feels like. It’s such a relief and it feels good. A good start to the day. Then you start your journey in the assurance of a parking spot and you’ll find it waiting for you. I do it for the sofa in Costa coffee, when I remember. And every time I do it, it works :-) 

Thanks, Robert.  Sorry to hear that.  Or maybe it's for the best.

Today was certainly not such a good day.  It got off to a bad start because I couldn't find a space close to the college to park, so had a longer walk.  I got in on time, but just, and I prefer to have some time before getting into things.  That's really down to the unpredictable nature of the parking, though.

The morning was a continuation of the induction training, so that wasn't too bad.  In the afternoon, though, I was put in my department.  It's actually one quite small classroom - not much more, I'd say, than about 12 feet by 30 feet.  I was told 'You'll be spending all day in here' (apparently, there aren't really any outings).  There was a radio playing for the students - a commercial pop station.  The other support staff I'll be working with are mainly very young women.  I'm almost old enough to be their grandfather.  So there was a bit of a sense of a generation division.  There was only one older woman.  She was probably around my age, or a bit younger. But she didn't seem very friendly.  I tried to engage her in conversation about her background, but she didn't seem that interested.  She seemed, if anything, to be more in with the female staff.  The main tutor for the group came in a bit later, and I picked up a very definite tension between him and some of the staff.  One of them in particular was quite sharp with him over something, and they had a few words to say to one another that were definitely sarcastic in tone.  When he went out again, they all went into gossip mode about him.  I focused on trying to engage with the service users instead, but they're naturally shy and wary at the moment.  I was given some care plans to read, but it was a waste of time trying to take any of it in with all the noise.  I asked a few questions.  I heard a lot of 'That's what they tell you, but the reality is quite different' type comments about the way things work.  A definite sense of underlying tensions.  It'll obviously take time to settle in, but compared to other jobs I've had I didn't come away from today feeling very positive - like 'I can make something of this.'  In fact, I was glad to get out.

Then I had a long, wet trek back to the car... and it took an age to get home with the traffic.  Although I leave earlier than in my last job, I got home around the same time.  It was a long, tiring day.  And my mood is low.

I'll just have to see how the rest of the week goes.  After this week, it's two more until half-term.  I think, somehow, they'll be long weeks.

I hope your second day goes ok.

I was up front about my Autistic traits at my latest interview last Monday.

And...  I haven't heard a word from them.

Beautiful pic x

Thank you for your kind and wise words, BlueRay.  No, it isn't all or nothing, true.  I like to give my best to anything and hate to be seen as faltering or inadequate to the task, and I think in this case it's going to mean quite a bit more effort than I've been used to in my other care roles.  I genuinely do feel this time that if it doesn't work out, for whatever reason, then it will be time for some longer rest.  At the moment, I'm just looking ahead to half-term the week after next.  And then another 6 weeks until the Easter break.  A day at a time.  It's the best way to approach it.  That sounds like a contradiction, but you know what I mean.  Take it day by day, because there are breaks ahead soon.

Yes, the processing of these last few years is still going on, and will continue to for a long time.  I'm finding that doing some writing again, and using it to look at some of these issues - at one remove, as it were, through a character - is helping the process along.  Sometimes, it brings me quite close to tears - something that is good, I think, because I've been pretty buttoned-up and 'getting on with life' since it all began.  I probably didn't give myself enough chance to rest, but I felt the equally important need to keep moving.  It catches up in so many ways.  Even my divorce, which was 15 years ago, is starting to take up more space in my mind again - almost like I'm coming round from the anaesthetic I self-induced at the time.  In many senses, the way it all 'ended' wasn't really an ending.  It wasn't closed down.  It still feels like a lot of unfinished business, emotionally.  I need to work it through - and again, the writing is something I'm using.

Anyway... I need to get moving.  Thanks again for your words.

Tom x

Thanks, Kitsun.  I'm not sure about the hour drop-down.  As another chap there said, it's very difficult to get extra time off outside of the holidays - unless it's sick leave.  But I'll play it by ear.

I’m really glad that your first day went well. Really petty re the tutors kettle though, get them!!

I understand that Tom. I’m thinking I’ll be back in work by May, and once or twice a sense of fear has rose up in me, at the thought of working again. 

Maybe give it a go. What’s done is done, but this time, continue as you are now, being mindful of your most innate needs. I’m more than two years into my burnout, and I’ve never looked on it in a negative light, because it was just what my body needed. I was exhausted. What’s the best thing to do when the body’s exhausted? ~ give it rest. It’s been well worth it. 

You’ve had three extremely difficult years, and losing somebody so precious to you, is a lot for most people, but it’s a known fact that autistic people process such things in different ways and it often takes us longer to process them. 

I think you’re realising that it’s time to look after you and be kind to you. Trust your inner most self and if when it comes to the start date, and you really don’t feel up to going, maybe it’s time to take a chance on you, and do what’s best for you. Don’t be hard on yourself. This isn’t an all or nothing situation. It can seem that way, with our black and white thinking, but it could be that you maybe just need more time, more rest, and in a short while, you might be better than ever and raring to go. Or you might decide on something different altogether. But don’t push yourself too hard, you’re still in a very vulnerable position. I am reminded of my vulnerability almost daily, and definitely when my thoughts start to get ahead of me. We are delicate creatures. 

For me, I couldn’t take another burn out, so I’m taking much better care of myself now, and things really are working out better than they ever have. When I started learning to trust myself, after I had been to the doctors and requested an autism assessment, that trust began to grow, bit by bit. But no matter how long it takes, what you gain, you never loose. 

We all are suited to approaching situations in different ways, so I would just say, you express yourself very well, listen to what you’re saying and allow yourself to give yourself whatever it is you need and trust that, from that, by doing right by yourself, right things will come from it. And it’s definitely not an all or nothing situation. It’s just a moment in time and it may do you good to go, these could just be expected fears around change, new job, have I made the right decision etc etc, or you may really need some good quality rest and time to relax and then maybe reflect. And move forward from there. You don’t owe anything to anybody, so don’t worry about not turning up for the job. But you do owe it to yourself, to do the best for you. You’re a talented and gifted man, you already have lots of achievements behind you, maybe it’s time to focus on all the good and great in you, give yourself what you need and a bit of that same care and attention that you gave to your mum. She would want that, I’m sure. Thinking of you X

Im pleased it went well for you. Good luck for tomorrow