Suicidal Thoughts and Adult Aspergers

me too thanks

I work as a teacher and I feel that my past experiences have helped me in my role in being able to understand others as well as being able to identify and support those that are more vulnerable.

My current relationship, for example is one of coercive control and he is a narcissist. The idea of being controlled I suppose at the beginning I did not see - i thought that someone was trying to protect me. Now along as his wants and desires are met he is content but is unable to "see" others, only his own needs.  Thereby, I muddle through as a self-sufficient being as best that I can - though at times that means crashing.

Rather than being supported, therefore, I am often in a weakened state - but that means that I don't have the confidence to run, nor the bravery to escape.

This aspie self has never been understood (out there) or really wanted - but I practical and I earn good money, and i'm not too frightening to look at (lol) - so I have my uses.

My vulnerability is down to being aspie, not experiencing enough of positive human relationships to understand what is the "norm", low self worth and a repeatitive cycle of rejection and a desire to be accepted that can gnaw away at you.

I am trying to save money to get a private diagnosis and going forward I believe that I will be in a safer and more grounded existential state on my own.  I am a masked me in a small box existence.  I use the forum, books, mental churning and reflection as a way of navigating my pathway and working things out.

The community here, as you rightly say, provides an environment that you can be honest and not judged.  

Outside of here I am worth very little to many - who don't SEE me because I mask, don't understand me as I take a little more time to work out, and my real difficulty is not being able to ask for help or utter what I need from people in a precise way as pride gets in the way as well as my inability to put it into words.

I hope that you get some solace from being here.

sorry for the late reply been a stressful few days i like the fact i can speak freely on here without judgment something ive never been able to do in the real world so to speak ive never really told anyone the whole truth of what happened to me as a child as i carry so much guilt with me over what happened i world love to tell someone everything but im not sure i could do it for fear of being branded disgusting or to blame i don't think anyone really understands what its like unless you've been through something similar they say reformed drug and alcoholics make the best counsellors which makes sense i think the thing that shocked me most is how many aspies / autistic have been victims of sexual abuse is it something about us that attracts abusers are we more vunerable ?

CRI.  You got it in one!  And now it's 'Turning Point'. Huh!

No you are not!  Overhearing such a thing would knock me sideways. I'm hypersensitive to such comments.  Years ago, I went to a day course at my local university on 'The War in Iraq' (that shows how long ago it was).  I sat next to a guy who was very much a supporter of the war.  When I put my anti- argument to him, he said 'That's a very simplistic way of looking at it.'  Would it surprise you that, perhaps 15 years later, I can still remember exactly what he looked like... and the comment still pricks me from time to time, like a scratchy label on a t-shirt?

Maybe you're over-thinking this whole 'Am I? Aren't I?' thing - which, in itself, could be indicative.  Hamlet Syndrome I call it.  I'm sure he was an Aspie!  If he'd been NT, the play would probably have been 20 minutes long!

I'm an Aspie - I know this now.  As such, I know I have certain behavioural traits.  'Peccadilloes', as some might say.  Certain things are difficult for me, even if other things are quite easy.  But I look like everyone else.  I have a home, I do a job, I drive a car.  I don't have a cactus growing out of my left ear.  Therefore, I'm perceived as actually being like everyone else, and am expected to behave in the same way.  Even people who know about my condition, and profess to have understanding about it (such as my colleagues at work) still question some of my behaviours.  I still get comments like 'Just let it go over your head', 'Forget about it', 'Go with the flow'... and, of course, 'But we all get anxious from time to time.'  Basically, as with your SIL, it's about refusal to accept.  It's about being disrespectful.  I've had to cut ties with my own brother and his wife (hopefully, you'll never have to take such drastic action) because she refuses to accept my differences and needs - and she's convinced him that I'm just being fussy.  Even after I had my diagnosis, and showed it to them in all of it's stark detail about my life and problems.  I can't have negativity like that in my life.

I'm glad you got the apology - even if it doesn't feel exactly genuine.  You haven't done anything wrong.  You've just been honest with yourself, and with them.  If it doesn't suit her - that's her problem.

Well done on the 35 days!  I'm on day 7.  It isn't exactly easy, but I know it would be harder if I had social pressures.  Go easy on yourself.  Only do what you feel capable of doing.  If it means upsetting others, or putting noses out of joint, so be it.  At times like this, you need to be selfish in that way - which isn't really selfishness at all.  I keep watching videos now about the damage that alcohol can do.  I did that last night when I felt the urge.  Maybe that's an extreme form of aversion therapy (other than that, I could go out and get blinding drunk and make myself ill)... but whatever helps.

35 days is a huge achievement.  Personally, I'm starting to think that counting the days can have a detrimental effect, though.  It does for me, anyway.  I want to try not to think in terms of a week, a month, a year.  I want to try to limit it to 'another day.'  Each to their own, though.

Just this second got a text apologising for what I overheard on the phone so the other half has obviously said something. Doesn't really apologise for her first thoughts being negative of me, like I've done something wrong. Anyway's I'm being pathetic and I know I am. 

I had a really rough day yesterday that seems to have followed onto today. I think I'm struggling because whilst I score high on all these "aspie tests" laid out in front of me I don't seem to fully believe it. I know it's unique to each individual  but so much of what I read doesn't apply to me, but then when I think it doesn't apply to me I wonder if it doesn't apply to me because I've convinced myself of stuff and I've overcome problems etc. I like to think I'm really social but deep down I struggle, I do over analyse every social situation, I'm soo scared of upsetting people or people not liking me. I have always put it down to over thinking and low self esteem which it could very well be. I plan where to sit when going out for a few drinks with mates as that seat can change my social interaction, I've known I do it but not really thought about it as it's done along with a load of other quick fleeting thoughts so I haven't given it much attention. I'm socially weak and I'm definitely not an alpha male which has always been something I don't like. 

I was alone all day yesterday and loneliness when overthinking isn't for me, I know many Aspies apparently love to be alone but I don't, I'd rather be alone in a room full of people then left alone completely with just me and my thoughts. 

I pathetically cried this morning all because the other halves sister made an assumption about me over the phone that I heard, her family are down from scotland and a couple of the lads mentioned to her they'd like to play golf instead of staying with the family today for lunch, I said I'd be happy to go with them (not take them, go with them) she told her sister and I heard the hole conversation... "I'm not pandering to what 1986 wants to do" the other half just said it was her cousin not me but it was hardly convincing, I wouldn't mind it's absolutely nothing to do with me. I don't know whether it's the questioning everything in my life or what but it really upest me this morning, I don't want her thinking I'm at fault or whatever, in my mind I imagine her telling other people "he did this, he wants this etc etc" and even though it's not true it helps people form an untrue opinion. 

Christ I feel low this weekend. It's times like these I wish I hadn't given up alcohol (35 days and counting), socialising all day with her close knit family is going to really be hard for me without alcohol as a comfort aid, I feel so alone when I'm with them and they are all actually really nice but I just feel like a massive outcast. I have my own mates but they're mates of a long time, all new friends I seem to get through work and what have you when in groups I always feel like an outcast, I'm great on a one on one level if it's someone I get on with so don't have to make small talk, in fact I'm even questioning that now. 

Anyway's vent over, I needed to get it off my chest as I don't feel I have anyone truly to talk to as openly. The internet has always been a place where I reveal everything about myself. 

Crime Reduction ya say.... I'm guessing CRI now CGL .... Same in our area, drug is now mixed with alcohol. The budgets don't help but neither do the one hat treatment ideas. 

Yes.  We used to have a wonderful alcohol service at the local mental health hospital.  People could go up there all day if they wanted to.  There were two groups, each led by a trained mental health nurse.  In the morning was a group for people who were sober, but on medication.  The afternoon group was for people who were sober and off medication.  Quite often, morning group people (as I was at first) would transition pretty quickly to the afternoon group.  There was a subsidised canteen, a quiet garden to sit in, a friendly and supportive atmosphere.  Courses were offered in CBT, Relapse Prevention, etc.  Many people got well and recovered through that service.

Then, in 2010, the NHS lost the contract to a private company who specialised in 'crime reduction'!  The venue was shifted to a new unit which seemed to offer more for us - but it was mainly geared to 'getting back to work' and hitting performance targets.  The afternoon group was eventually changed to 'peer support' only, with no professional leader.  After a time, that was phased out completely. 

Then, during the next round of tendering, the contract went to another company which covered all forms of addiction - so we started sharing groups with hard drug users.  The groups were eventually all phased out.  Plus, limits were set on attendance: six months maximum.  The idea was that they were so good at what they did, everyone would be 'recovered' in that time!  Of course, though, it was all about throughput and hitting performance targets again.  Eventually, all they seemed to offer was 'ambulatory detox' and 'Mindfulness' sessions - on top, of course, of the 'helping/pushing back to work' courses.  People stopped attending. People relapsed.  One chap, who'd been through rehab and was managing well in a half-way house, ended up relapsing and going back on the streets.  But because, by that time, he was off the books, he was still thought of by them as a 'success story' who'd passed through and out on his way again.

Hardly anyone I know from my time there - and I'm still in touch with a few - has any form of support now.  I guess I'm lucky in that I've managed to stay just this side of having a real problem.  But it's been hit and miss. 

It's all very sad.  And the problem is getting worse as the years go by, not better.  More and more are falling into the pit of addiction, oblivion, suicide.

Funding cuts is making it a difficult sector, in my area we've dramatically reduced from 13 million to 7 million in the first of a 5 year contract reducing to 5 million a year 

My life is changing considerably Giddy since I joined a local support group for people on the spectrum. 

I have learned that friendships provide far more than a friendship. They provide several other essential elements that are required for humans to live a happy and fulfilled life. Things that are taken for granted and rarely spoke about in nt society and therefore they are not considered when thinking about our lives. But they really are essential and offset many of the things we struggle with on a daily basis, often in silence. 

I hope you find some solace here. However that can also produce the effect that you feel listened to and understood here and that highlights even more greatly the offline reality 

i hope so i am very isolated i would love to have friends and be included in activities but i would most likely avoid them for the anxiety and stress they caused catch 22 as always

Giddy

I hope that you have the support you need and are not trying to navigate your pain and existence in isolation.

This thread has certainly served to highlight the darker side of being on the spectrum - such as isolation, anxiety and depressive slumps.

I am going through a real low at the moment and this thread serves to help me feel less isolated, but on the flip side realises the great sadness that as a community there are members here that hurt so and with such little support and understanding in their offline existences.

im not sure what a diagnosis of autism will do for me other than give me a reason for my difference to NTs but it may help with how others treat me one can only hope

Sorry to hear that. I think self-injury and depression are very common with autistic people. Maybe the assessment and consequent understanding will help.

im in my 50's awaiting my ASD assessment and have suffered with severe depression for 40 odd years I regularly cut my arms they' are just a blur of scars so much so i can hardly feel the scalpel i use due to nerve damage but i persist because i feel the need to punish myself to feel the pain see the blood and the constant reminder of the scars prove my punishment i have taken 2 overdoses both which proved unsuccessful and have been sectioned 3 times... the root cause .... horrific sexual abuse i suffered as a child that has hounded me all my life and will probably be the end of me one day and the help from mental health ?? pretty much non existent oh i don't blame my care workers or crisis team they do the best they can it's the bloated nhs managers creaming off the money that's eventually going to be the death of Nye Bevans dream of a free health service if you break a leg suffer a heart attack have kidney disease you are treated but disorders of the mind are still thought as non treatable by and large and until that perception changes nothing else will...

my apologies to anyone who i may have upset with my rather to the bone admission but anonimity has a certain liberating affect

It's been such a lousy day today - and when one thing goes wrong, and then another, and so on, the cumulative effect is to make me look at everything in a negative way.  I was working all day with another staff member I don't particularly like, and I find it very hard to feel relaxed around them.  I'm sure I can't help giving the game away that I don't like them.  Another thing is, I cycled to work - and then it started to rain heavily, and I simple hate cycling in the wet.  I hoped it would clear by home-time, but it got worse.  In the end, I made an excuse to leave early and got a train home - expensive, taking over an hour, and in a carriage crammed with humanity: people shouting into their phones, people shouting at screaming kids, etc.  Then I get home and read, in a news magazine, about the world's youngest billionaire - a woman who 'built up' her cosmetics business over the last three years (what took her so long???), and is now just 20.  She cashed in on 'extreme fame leverage', and apparently spends her days posting hourly selfies on Instagram - where she has 110 million followers.  I'm baffled.  Good luck to her.  It's the drones who've made her so rich that baffle me: the phone-obsessed millennials, who now can't even function without their devices.  On the top of a bad day, it just hit me that the whole world is consumed with fripperies and trash - with thoughtless, careless, vain, selfish cretins who care for nothing except their own enrichment and gratification.  And this is the world I live in.  Why continue with it?

I haven't drunk for a week, and I'm determined not to.  But facing all of this sober is a daunting prospect tonight.

Sorry... just venting.  I'll pull myself through it.

I have some experience in that sector, too.  Through work.... and personally.

Perhaps sometimes the wish is not so much to die as to escape from a life or situation which seems intolerable, with no other obvious way out.

I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, and once got as far as planning my "exit" in detail and writing a suicide note. But on the day, I couldn't go through with it because there were some people hanging around in my chosen location, and I didn't want to do it with them watching. At least, that's how I rationalised it at the time. Maybe my heart wasn't really in it. But I'm glad that they were there, I'd thank them if I could.Things did change for the better eventually, and I might never have known. I wouldn't have got married and had children, for a start.

What's needed is someone or something to hold on to (emotionally, if not physically) while the worst of the impulse passes, and hope returns. But it's more difficult if you're someone who routinely bottles it all in, because then others who might have wanted to help don't even know.