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Suicidal Thoughts and Adult Aspergers

1986

Read something on here the other day where some guy talked about the suicide rate in adult males in the Autistic community, not sure how true it were but it now has me thinking, what are your experiences, do you have suicidal thoughts? 

My introduction thread explains my background for anyone interested

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/12880/aspergers-suggestion-by-therapist

Growing up I was a wrist cutter, I always have had suicidal tendencies. Obviously I've just put this down to being a depressive at times but in all honesty I've not even been depressed at times of doing it/thinking it. I now wonder if this links in some way, maybe frustration of not feeling 'right' to some sense. 

This is all new to me and just about everything in my life in the past is now being questioned/looked at in a different light, very confusing. 

I won't deny that I am having waves and fleeting thoughts about suicide, definitely not of the action type just yet but the thoughts are there. My therapist since the first session said I don't show emotion on my face unless it's an extreme emotion such as anger/happy etc, I got a bit upset this morning because the mother in law came round saturday and apparently she hopes she didn't piss me off as I seemed tense or pissed off, I actually really enjoyed them visiting so it came as a surprise to me today and I've related it to the flat effect with showing emotions on my face. It makes me wonder if this is what people think quite often, at work I always thought I was approachable but I've always known that other peoples perception doesn't match what I think. It's a bit of a difficult pill to swallow to know that someone thinks they've pissed me off when I think something completely different. Least now I understand why people have a different perception to me. (Hope all this makes sense, I'm venting a little).

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  • Hi 1986

    1986 said:
    I always thought I was approachable but I've always known that other peoples perception doesn't match what I think. It's a bit of a difficult pill to swallow to know that someone thinks they've pissed me off when I think something completely different. Least now I understand why people have a different perception to me. (Hope all this makes sense, I'm venting a little).

    I identify with this as I am always confused about how I am perceived by others and conversely don't always understand what I do wrong.

    A few months ago, for example someone told my partner that I seemed really grumpy - however I was just tired after a long week at work.  I basically, wasn't masking effectively as I was tired. My husband is in his third month of being at hospital and last night he was cross that I did not go and visit him in hospital (I had hit burnout) so had a whole evening of cross text messages and missed calls up until midnight - what I needed was him to understand that I was exhausted, and the emotional challenges of him being in hospital I need time to process. As his partner I am expected to visit every day but no one has asked if I am ok, if I am coping alright, as I always "get on with it".

    Masking for me is a big thing in terms of getting on with other people at work and at home.  Performing the role that I am expected to perform and to fit it.  This then creates a mismatch with how I present myself and how I actually feel. It causes the dual problem then that I feel that people don't understand me and my needs  - but in actual fact I am not showing people ME - so why would they know?  Also, when the real me is exposed (tiredness, sadness, burnout) people get confused because I have not presented myself to them before in that form.

    My mindset with people is that to expect nothing and then you are never disappointed and in relation to your thread topic that means that on the outside I seem like I live a high functioning existence - i.e. I work full time in a busy and challenging job, I have a partner, a child etc but on the inside there are times that I feel very isolated, at a loss as I seem to always expected to cope, have all the answers etc, sometimes I don't and sometimes I find it very difficult to "unslump myself".  Maybe people thing that I don't want or need help, or don't think that I want it, or are not interested, or don't know HOW to help. 

    They seem to forget that I am a human, just like them...

Reply

  • Hi 1986

    1986 said:
    I always thought I was approachable but I've always known that other peoples perception doesn't match what I think. It's a bit of a difficult pill to swallow to know that someone thinks they've pissed me off when I think something completely different. Least now I understand why people have a different perception to me. (Hope all this makes sense, I'm venting a little).

    I identify with this as I am always confused about how I am perceived by others and conversely don't always understand what I do wrong.

    A few months ago, for example someone told my partner that I seemed really grumpy - however I was just tired after a long week at work.  I basically, wasn't masking effectively as I was tired. My husband is in his third month of being at hospital and last night he was cross that I did not go and visit him in hospital (I had hit burnout) so had a whole evening of cross text messages and missed calls up until midnight - what I needed was him to understand that I was exhausted, and the emotional challenges of him being in hospital I need time to process. As his partner I am expected to visit every day but no one has asked if I am ok, if I am coping alright, as I always "get on with it".

    Masking for me is a big thing in terms of getting on with other people at work and at home.  Performing the role that I am expected to perform and to fit it.  This then creates a mismatch with how I present myself and how I actually feel. It causes the dual problem then that I feel that people don't understand me and my needs  - but in actual fact I am not showing people ME - so why would they know?  Also, when the real me is exposed (tiredness, sadness, burnout) people get confused because I have not presented myself to them before in that form.

    My mindset with people is that to expect nothing and then you are never disappointed and in relation to your thread topic that means that on the outside I seem like I live a high functioning existence - i.e. I work full time in a busy and challenging job, I have a partner, a child etc but on the inside there are times that I feel very isolated, at a loss as I seem to always expected to cope, have all the answers etc, sometimes I don't and sometimes I find it very difficult to "unslump myself".  Maybe people thing that I don't want or need help, or don't think that I want it, or are not interested, or don't know HOW to help. 

    They seem to forget that I am a human, just like them...

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