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Suicidal Thoughts and Adult Aspergers

1986

Read something on here the other day where some guy talked about the suicide rate in adult males in the Autistic community, not sure how true it were but it now has me thinking, what are your experiences, do you have suicidal thoughts? 

My introduction thread explains my background for anyone interested

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/12880/aspergers-suggestion-by-therapist

Growing up I was a wrist cutter, I always have had suicidal tendencies. Obviously I've just put this down to being a depressive at times but in all honesty I've not even been depressed at times of doing it/thinking it. I now wonder if this links in some way, maybe frustration of not feeling 'right' to some sense. 

This is all new to me and just about everything in my life in the past is now being questioned/looked at in a different light, very confusing. 

I won't deny that I am having waves and fleeting thoughts about suicide, definitely not of the action type just yet but the thoughts are there. My therapist since the first session said I don't show emotion on my face unless it's an extreme emotion such as anger/happy etc, I got a bit upset this morning because the mother in law came round saturday and apparently she hopes she didn't piss me off as I seemed tense or pissed off, I actually really enjoyed them visiting so it came as a surprise to me today and I've related it to the flat effect with showing emotions on my face. It makes me wonder if this is what people think quite often, at work I always thought I was approachable but I've always known that other peoples perception doesn't match what I think. It's a bit of a difficult pill to swallow to know that someone thinks they've pissed me off when I think something completely different. Least now I understand why people have a different perception to me. (Hope all this makes sense, I'm venting a little).

Parents

  • Sorry 86 it was me, i am in a deep battle with various arms of the state and this is the driving factor for me.

    I dont want to die, i want to live more than anything.

    I want to contribute, i want to participate,

    i want to learn and to educate.

    But as we all know increasingly in the current political climate this isnt possible, every turn you make to recieve support is slammed shut in your face so i frequently cite this statistic to shock them into reality, as NAS say  'til everyone understands' but then again the NHS say 'nothing about us without us' and 'parity of esteem'.

    I have to be honest, the main issue i have is knowing that i am 'other' to them, i am not an equal, i am not worthy of support, i am not a viable human being.

    I then reflect on how many hundreds of thousands have also been treated in the same way but have unfortunately not had the support to resist the 'darkness' and ultimately succumbed to it and an absolute resolve rises to expose this, without a doubt it is genocide and i will welcome the arrival of the UN rapporteur to investigate crimes against the disabled committed by an ideological agenda masked by 'austerity'.

    For our cohort the driving issue behind these scary statistics is esteem, at any moment we are a product of our environment, when this environment is continually adversarial, Kafkaesque and ambivalent to our needs the results can only be detrimental, catastrophically to ourselves and/or financially to the state.

    A NAO report for councils regarding provision of support services to adults with HFA/Aspergers recommends that councils get above 4% provision of services as quick as possible because at that point the expenditure in provision starts to become beneficial to the economy; Employment rises, creating new taxpayers.

     Again this is where a problem arises for me; Cognitive Dissonance. 

    My journey to diagnosis has been very very long, Norman Lamb today expressed his outrage at some people having to wait 800+ days for diagnosis, mine took 13 YEARS (i was unofficially diagnosed in 2001, NEEDED Official diagnosis in 05 due to 'mate hate' crime, stabbed, robbed etc . It has cost me everything, lost a very good career, lost all family and support network connections.

    See i've had to survive in the underbelly of society, homelessness (7 years) etc purely due to my ASD, i have observed first hand how the state treats the voiceless, they are written off, we are the same.

    When you start fighting for diagnosis, various organisations tell you there is this and that support available but when it comes to the crunch there isn't, even the organisations claiming to be representing us fail us, often in the most "facedesk" manner (ask NAS about their positive discrimination policy to employ folks with ASD and incorporate them into their supply chain, clue: they don't).

    And there is the cognitive dissonance; We are told one thing but the opposite is true.

    I truly believe now the only way for us to be heard is to collectivize, become a voting block, 

    NAS cannot be political, they are forbidden, this in effect neutralises these bodies from truly representing us.

    We are revenue generators for the 'Autism' Industry.

Reply

  • Sorry 86 it was me, i am in a deep battle with various arms of the state and this is the driving factor for me.

    I dont want to die, i want to live more than anything.

    I want to contribute, i want to participate,

    i want to learn and to educate.

    But as we all know increasingly in the current political climate this isnt possible, every turn you make to recieve support is slammed shut in your face so i frequently cite this statistic to shock them into reality, as NAS say  'til everyone understands' but then again the NHS say 'nothing about us without us' and 'parity of esteem'.

    I have to be honest, the main issue i have is knowing that i am 'other' to them, i am not an equal, i am not worthy of support, i am not a viable human being.

    I then reflect on how many hundreds of thousands have also been treated in the same way but have unfortunately not had the support to resist the 'darkness' and ultimately succumbed to it and an absolute resolve rises to expose this, without a doubt it is genocide and i will welcome the arrival of the UN rapporteur to investigate crimes against the disabled committed by an ideological agenda masked by 'austerity'.

    For our cohort the driving issue behind these scary statistics is esteem, at any moment we are a product of our environment, when this environment is continually adversarial, Kafkaesque and ambivalent to our needs the results can only be detrimental, catastrophically to ourselves and/or financially to the state.

    A NAO report for councils regarding provision of support services to adults with HFA/Aspergers recommends that councils get above 4% provision of services as quick as possible because at that point the expenditure in provision starts to become beneficial to the economy; Employment rises, creating new taxpayers.

     Again this is where a problem arises for me; Cognitive Dissonance. 

    My journey to diagnosis has been very very long, Norman Lamb today expressed his outrage at some people having to wait 800+ days for diagnosis, mine took 13 YEARS (i was unofficially diagnosed in 2001, NEEDED Official diagnosis in 05 due to 'mate hate' crime, stabbed, robbed etc . It has cost me everything, lost a very good career, lost all family and support network connections.

    See i've had to survive in the underbelly of society, homelessness (7 years) etc purely due to my ASD, i have observed first hand how the state treats the voiceless, they are written off, we are the same.

    When you start fighting for diagnosis, various organisations tell you there is this and that support available but when it comes to the crunch there isn't, even the organisations claiming to be representing us fail us, often in the most "facedesk" manner (ask NAS about their positive discrimination policy to employ folks with ASD and incorporate them into their supply chain, clue: they don't).

    And there is the cognitive dissonance; We are told one thing but the opposite is true.

    I truly believe now the only way for us to be heard is to collectivize, become a voting block, 

    NAS cannot be political, they are forbidden, this in effect neutralises these bodies from truly representing us.

    We are revenue generators for the 'Autism' Industry.

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