Aspergers Suggestion by Therapist


So, I'm going to babble through this introduction as I tend to do on internet forums so for those that read it and reply I massively appreciate it.

I have had a recent relationship breakdown with my other half which resulted in me coming to the revelation that I'm an abusive partner, I am an angry person and wasn't actually aware of just what was happening, the realisation has been absolutely huge. We are working through things surprisingly and this has been for a month now and things are going fantastic, even just being aware of it has made a huge difference to my mental wellbeing and hers, it's like a cloud has been lifted for me. I am working on self help through a book called love without hurt which I would recommend to anyone and I've also had 3 sessions with a therapist which is ongoing.

The stuff with the Therapist mainly comes from a trauma background, my dad was abusive towards me and my mum was somewhat emotionally closed off, they are both great parents in some sense and did the best job they know how but they had behaviours that have now been passed on to me. 

On the third session last Thursday I was discussing something that had happened with me and my other half and my therapist couldn't quite work out a motive for my behaviour, she asked some more questions and gauged my responses on various stuff before asking me if I've been tested for Autism or if I'd heard of Aspergers, to be brutally honest my only knowledge is from Dustin Hoffmans performance in Rain Man and an ignorant view that all Autistic folk are extremely intelligent in some senses but are socially inept (yes I admit to being ignorant). The more we spoke the more she believed this to be a huge potential, mainly due to the lack of empathy I have and how I can be closed off in my first response about things (the conversation that prompted this was about sugar, tea and coffee pots and how even though I don't much care which we chose my first response to the ones we saw was an adamant no, not having them don't like them, not a care in the world to whether she likes them or not and I am completely blunt with things). 

I am a little bit pissed off with my therapist because she is extremely aware of my tendency to research everything and anything (I mean literally everything and anything) so sure enough for the past several days I've done absolutely loads of research and I've pretty much become obsessed with it, the problem is that it drives me crazy, I need a formal diagnosis or even to be told 'don't be daft, you're just a messed up individual stop trying to put reasons on everything" (I do like to have an explanation/reason for everything, I see life very black and white). I'm completely at loggerheads with myself, I've done some online tests which seem to come back as there is a chance that I have aspergers but that doesn't mean anything to me, I need concrete proof either way, my fear is that a diagnosis is going to take forever and so I currently feel like my life is on hold.

Looking back through life (I don't seem to remember my childhood that well which is frustrating) I must admit when I look at the symptoms (of which there are many) of aspergers it does make me think that there is a high chance and to be totally truthful I would love for that to be the case because whilst it doesn't excuse my behaviour or justify actions it does allow me to understand why I've done certain things, it allows me to understand why the sound of glugging liquid being poured seems to send me squeemish, or the fact I shudder at the sheer thought of sandpaper touch, feel or sound. It allows me to understand that I'm not wired differently (or maybe I am) just because I seem to spot patterns in things that others don't (always said I'd make a great detective) or the fact that I do seem to lack empathy and compassion in many situations without meaning to.

It does confuse me because I consider myself a social person, I have a good solid group of around 5 mates that I've known for a long time, admittedly they get irritated by my constant eye rolling or the incessant need to be right or prove things all the time. Whilst I consider myself social I do not like large groups or loud people, I have recently been on a holiday with 9 lads and realised that it's not for me anymore, when everyone is together I seem to sink back into oblivion as I don't feel comfortable, there were times when I said I was going home purely to go to another bar on my own and have a quiet relaxed pint. The best time I had on the holiday was when 4 of us went out earlier in the evening on our own and had a great time chilling and having a chat however when the others arrived I did my usual and sunk back not really joining in. Another thing I do is I'm always super concious about not making mistakes and trying to be perfect, I care too much what others think about me, I get embarrassed easily. 

To me these are just normal behaviours, I've never thought about labelling them or anything but I have always struggled with myself over the way I act with things and often find myself self loathing or wishing things were different. 

I am a 31 year old male by the way, I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday about another issue but I'm going to make a request for a formal diagnosis and I won't be taking no for an answer as it really is sending me crazy. I have a feeling I'll be around a fair bit on this forum, understanding other peoples situations and no doubt posting about my situation. If anyone has any insight I'd greatly appreciate it. Is it really true that the wait could be up to two years? 

Thanks for taking the time to read.