Published on 12, July, 2020
Read something on here the other day where some guy talked about the suicide rate in adult males in the Autistic community, not sure how true it were but it now has me thinking, what are your experiences, do you have suicidal thoughts?
My introduction thread explains my background for anyone interested
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/12880/aspergers-suggestion-by-therapist
Growing up I was a wrist cutter, I always have had suicidal tendencies. Obviously I've just put this down to being a depressive at times but in all honesty I've not even been depressed at times of doing it/thinking it. I now wonder if this links in some way, maybe frustration of not feeling 'right' to some sense.
This is all new to me and just about everything in my life in the past is now being questioned/looked at in a different light, very confusing.
I won't deny that I am having waves and fleeting thoughts about suicide, definitely not of the action type just yet but the thoughts are there. My therapist since the first session said I don't show emotion on my face unless it's an extreme emotion such as anger/happy etc, I got a bit upset this morning because the mother in law came round saturday and apparently she hopes she didn't piss me off as I seemed tense or pissed off, I actually really enjoyed them visiting so it came as a surprise to me today and I've related it to the flat effect with showing emotions on my face. It makes me wonder if this is what people think quite often, at work I always thought I was approachable but I've always known that other peoples perception doesn't match what I think. It's a bit of a difficult pill to swallow to know that someone thinks they've pissed me off when I think something completely different. Least now I understand why people have a different perception to me. (Hope all this makes sense, I'm venting a little).
I had a really rough day yesterday that seems to have followed onto today. I think I'm struggling because whilst I score high on all these "aspie tests" laid out in front of me I don't seem to fully believe it. I know it's unique to each individual but so much of what I read doesn't apply to me, but then when I think it doesn't apply to me I wonder if it doesn't apply to me because I've convinced myself of stuff and I've overcome problems etc. I like to think I'm really social but deep down I struggle, I do over analyse every social situation, I'm soo scared of upsetting people or people not liking me. I have always put it down to over thinking and low self esteem which it could very well be. I plan where to sit when going out for a few drinks with mates as that seat can change my social interaction, I've known I do it but not really thought about it as it's done along with a load of other quick fleeting thoughts so I haven't given it much attention. I'm socially weak and I'm definitely not an alpha male which has always been something I don't like.
I was alone all day yesterday and loneliness when overthinking isn't for me, I know many Aspies apparently love to be alone but I don't, I'd rather be alone in a room full of people then left alone completely with just me and my thoughts.
I pathetically cried this morning all because the other halves sister made an assumption about me over the phone that I heard, her family are down from scotland and a couple of the lads mentioned to her they'd like to play golf instead of staying with the family today for lunch, I said I'd be happy to go with them (not take them, go with them) she told her sister and I heard the hole conversation... "I'm not pandering to what 1986 wants to do" the other half just said it was her cousin not me but it was hardly convincing, I wouldn't mind it's absolutely nothing to do with me. I don't know whether it's the questioning everything in my life or what but it really upest me this morning, I don't want her thinking I'm at fault or whatever, in my mind I imagine her telling other people "he did this, he wants this etc etc" and even though it's not true it helps people form an untrue opinion.
Christ I feel low this weekend. It's times like these I wish I hadn't given up alcohol (35 days and counting), socialising all day with her close knit family is going to really be hard for me without alcohol as a comfort aid, I feel so alone when I'm with them and they are all actually really nice but I just feel like a massive outcast. I have my own mates but they're mates of a long time, all new friends I seem to get through work and what have you when in groups I always feel like an outcast, I'm great on a one on one level if it's someone I get on with so don't have to make small talk, in fact I'm even questioning that now.
Anyway's vent over, I needed to get it off my chest as I don't feel I have anyone truly to talk to as openly. The internet has always been a place where I reveal everything about myself.
Just this second got a text apologising for what I overheard on the phone so the other half has obviously said something. Doesn't really apologise for her first thoughts being negative of me, like I've done something wrong. Anyway's I'm being pathetic and I know I am.
No you are not! Overhearing such a thing would knock me sideways. I'm hypersensitive to such comments. Years ago, I went to a day course at my local university on 'The War in Iraq' (that shows how long ago it was). I sat next to a guy who was very much a supporter of the war. When I put my anti- argument to him, he said 'That's a very simplistic way of looking at it.' Would it surprise you that, perhaps 15 years later, I can still remember exactly what he looked like... and the comment still pricks me from time to time, like a scratchy label on a t-shirt?
Maybe you're over-thinking this whole 'Am I? Aren't I?' thing - which, in itself, could be indicative. Hamlet Syndrome I call it. I'm sure he was an Aspie! If he'd been NT, the play would probably have been 20 minutes long!
I'm an Aspie - I know this now. As such, I know I have certain behavioural traits. 'Peccadilloes', as some might say. Certain things are difficult for me, even if other things are quite easy. But I look like everyone else. I have a home, I do a job, I drive a car. I don't have a cactus growing out of my left ear. Therefore, I'm perceived as actually being like everyone else, and am expected to behave in the same way. Even people who know about my condition, and profess to have understanding about it (such as my colleagues at work) still question some of my behaviours. I still get comments like 'Just let it go over your head', 'Forget about it', 'Go with the flow'... and, of course, 'But we all get anxious from time to time.' Basically, as with your SIL, it's about refusal to accept. It's about being disrespectful. I've had to cut ties with my own brother and his wife (hopefully, you'll never have to take such drastic action) because she refuses to accept my differences and needs - and she's convinced him that I'm just being fussy. Even after I had my diagnosis, and showed it to them in all of it's stark detail about my life and problems. I can't have negativity like that in my life.
I'm glad you got the apology - even if it doesn't feel exactly genuine. You haven't done anything wrong. You've just been honest with yourself, and with them. If it doesn't suit her - that's her problem.
Well done on the 35 days! I'm on day 7. It isn't exactly easy, but I know it would be harder if I had social pressures. Go easy on yourself. Only do what you feel capable of doing. If it means upsetting others, or putting noses out of joint, so be it. At times like this, you need to be selfish in that way - which isn't really selfishness at all. I keep watching videos now about the damage that alcohol can do. I did that last night when I felt the urge. Maybe that's an extreme form of aversion therapy (other than that, I could go out and get blinding drunk and make myself ill)... but whatever helps.
35 days is a huge achievement. Personally, I'm starting to think that counting the days can have a detrimental effect, though. It does for me, anyway. I want to try not to think in terms of a week, a month, a year. I want to try to limit it to 'another day.' Each to their own, though.