Published on 12, July, 2020
Read something on here the other day where some guy talked about the suicide rate in adult males in the Autistic community, not sure how true it were but it now has me thinking, what are your experiences, do you have suicidal thoughts?
My introduction thread explains my background for anyone interested
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/12880/aspergers-suggestion-by-therapist
Growing up I was a wrist cutter, I always have had suicidal tendencies. Obviously I've just put this down to being a depressive at times but in all honesty I've not even been depressed at times of doing it/thinking it. I now wonder if this links in some way, maybe frustration of not feeling 'right' to some sense.
This is all new to me and just about everything in my life in the past is now being questioned/looked at in a different light, very confusing.
I won't deny that I am having waves and fleeting thoughts about suicide, definitely not of the action type just yet but the thoughts are there. My therapist since the first session said I don't show emotion on my face unless it's an extreme emotion such as anger/happy etc, I got a bit upset this morning because the mother in law came round saturday and apparently she hopes she didn't piss me off as I seemed tense or pissed off, I actually really enjoyed them visiting so it came as a surprise to me today and I've related it to the flat effect with showing emotions on my face. It makes me wonder if this is what people think quite often, at work I always thought I was approachable but I've always known that other peoples perception doesn't match what I think. It's a bit of a difficult pill to swallow to know that someone thinks they've pissed me off when I think something completely different. Least now I understand why people have a different perception to me. (Hope all this makes sense, I'm venting a little).
Perhaps sometimes the wish is not so much to die as to escape from a life or situation which seems intolerable, with no other obvious way out.
I've had suicidal thoughts in the past, and once got as far as planning my "exit" in detail and writing a suicide note. But on the day, I couldn't go through with it because there were some people hanging around in my chosen location, and I didn't want to do it with them watching. At least, that's how I rationalised it at the time. Maybe my heart wasn't really in it. But I'm glad that they were there, I'd thank them if I could.Things did change for the better eventually, and I might never have known. I wouldn't have got married and had children, for a start.
What's needed is someone or something to hold on to (emotionally, if not physically) while the worst of the impulse passes, and hope returns. But it's more difficult if you're someone who routinely bottles it all in, because then others who might have wanted to help don't even know.