Published on 12, July, 2020
Read something on here the other day where some guy talked about the suicide rate in adult males in the Autistic community, not sure how true it were but it now has me thinking, what are your experiences, do you have suicidal thoughts?
My introduction thread explains my background for anyone interested
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/introduce-yourself/12880/aspergers-suggestion-by-therapist
Growing up I was a wrist cutter, I always have had suicidal tendencies. Obviously I've just put this down to being a depressive at times but in all honesty I've not even been depressed at times of doing it/thinking it. I now wonder if this links in some way, maybe frustration of not feeling 'right' to some sense.
This is all new to me and just about everything in my life in the past is now being questioned/looked at in a different light, very confusing.
I won't deny that I am having waves and fleeting thoughts about suicide, definitely not of the action type just yet but the thoughts are there. My therapist since the first session said I don't show emotion on my face unless it's an extreme emotion such as anger/happy etc, I got a bit upset this morning because the mother in law came round saturday and apparently she hopes she didn't piss me off as I seemed tense or pissed off, I actually really enjoyed them visiting so it came as a surprise to me today and I've related it to the flat effect with showing emotions on my face. It makes me wonder if this is what people think quite often, at work I always thought I was approachable but I've always known that other peoples perception doesn't match what I think. It's a bit of a difficult pill to swallow to know that someone thinks they've pissed me off when I think something completely different. Least now I understand why people have a different perception to me. (Hope all this makes sense, I'm venting a little).
im in my 50's awaiting my ASD assessment and have suffered with severe depression for 40 odd years I regularly cut my arms they' are just a blur of scars so much so i can hardly feel the scalpel i use due to nerve damage but i persist because i feel the need to punish myself to feel the pain see the blood and the constant reminder of the scars prove my punishment i have taken 2 overdoses both which proved unsuccessful and have been sectioned 3 times... the root cause .... horrific sexual abuse i suffered as a child that has hounded me all my life and will probably be the end of me one day and the help from mental health ?? pretty much non existent oh i don't blame my care workers or crisis team they do the best they can it's the bloated nhs managers creaming off the money that's eventually going to be the death of Nye Bevans dream of a free health service if you break a leg suffer a heart attack have kidney disease you are treated but disorders of the mind are still thought as non treatable by and large and until that perception changes nothing else will...
my apologies to anyone who i may have upset with my rather to the bone admission but anonimity has a certain liberating affect
Sorry to hear that. I think self-injury and depression are very common with autistic people. Maybe the assessment and consequent understanding will help.
im not sure what a diagnosis of autism will do for me other than give me a reason for my difference to NTs but it may help with how others treat me one can only hope
me too thanks
I work as a teacher and I feel that my past experiences have helped me in my role in being able to understand others as well as being able to identify and support those that are more vulnerable.
My current relationship, for example is one of coercive control and he is a narcissist. The idea of being controlled I suppose at the beginning I did not see - i thought that someone was trying to protect me. Now along as his wants and desires are met he is content but is unable to "see" others, only his own needs. Thereby, I muddle through as a self-sufficient being as best that I can - though at times that means crashing.
Rather than being supported, therefore, I am often in a weakened state - but that means that I don't have the confidence to run, nor the bravery to escape.
This aspie self has never been understood (out there) or really wanted - but I practical and I earn good money, and i'm not too frightening to look at (lol) - so I have my uses.
My vulnerability is down to being aspie, not experiencing enough of positive human relationships to understand what is the "norm", low self worth and a repeatitive cycle of rejection and a desire to be accepted that can gnaw away at you.
I am trying to save money to get a private diagnosis and going forward I believe that I will be in a safer and more grounded existential state on my own. I am a masked me in a small box existence. I use the forum, books, mental churning and reflection as a way of navigating my pathway and working things out.
The community here, as you rightly say, provides an environment that you can be honest and not judged.
Outside of here I am worth very little to many - who don't SEE me because I mask, don't understand me as I take a little more time to work out, and my real difficulty is not being able to ask for help or utter what I need from people in a precise way as pride gets in the way as well as my inability to put it into words.
I hope that you get some solace from being here.
sorry for the late reply been a stressful few days i like the fact i can speak freely on here without judgment something ive never been able to do in the real world so to speak ive never really told anyone the whole truth of what happened to me as a child as i carry so much guilt with me over what happened i world love to tell someone everything but im not sure i could do it for fear of being branded disgusting or to blame i don't think anyone really understands what its like unless you've been through something similar they say reformed drug and alcoholics make the best counsellors which makes sense i think the thing that shocked me most is how many aspies / autistic have been victims of sexual abuse is it something about us that attracts abusers are we more vunerable ?
My life is changing considerably Giddy since I joined a local support group for people on the spectrum.
I have learned that friendships provide far more than a friendship. They provide several other essential elements that are required for humans to live a happy and fulfilled life. Things that are taken for granted and rarely spoke about in nt society and therefore they are not considered when thinking about our lives. But they really are essential and offset many of the things we struggle with on a daily basis, often in silence.
I hope you find some solace here. However that can also produce the effect that you feel listened to and understood here and that highlights even more greatly the offline reality