Happy to be single?

Thank you everyone for the comments, I have read for them all. Yes I think I am becoming much more confident in saying at this moment in time I am actually happy on my own. Maybe in the future this will change  however currently I am actually perfectly content and need to start putting my feelings first.

Unfortunately the previous relationships have been abusive and whilst I know I was not at all to blame for any of that, I do understand that me being so trusting and taking people at their words rather than their actions meant I attracted people who took advantage of that. However I have done alot of work on this and have applied this into getting people who did not have my best interests out of my life. 

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. Its greatly appreciated 

No Iain I'm not in an echo chamber, you missed an important word, "used", I used to do work with organisations like Womens Aid, but not for 30 odd years.

Any DV is bad.

But to return to the OP, I still think that a being in a relationship isn't some kind of gold standard for life and many people are better off not being in one. I think it takes a lot of courage to say no, as the pressure to get in one is immense, why do people think it's the only way to be happy?

TheCatWoman said:

I used to help out with Womens Aid a bit and other support groups.

Amoung friends and people I've knowm as well as those I've met in a more professinal capacity

I understand that these groups / organisations deal with distressing cases and it is good work they do.

Stepping back from the actual abuse discussion though, I think what is happening here is you are going to groups who deal with people who suffer abuse and talking with others who deal with the abused, so you are in an echo chamber where all you see are abused women.

My point is that this group does not reflect what I see in the wider world. 

I looked up the stats and it looks like around 1 in 4 wormen suffer from domestic abuse, but that is not to say that is happening now - the stats are unclear if this was one event in a lifetime or an ongoing thing.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/domestic-abuse-statistics-uk/ 

The headlines do give a slightly better explanation:

In the year ending March 2024, it is estimated 2.3 million people aged 16 and over were victims of domestic abuse (1.6 million women and 712,000 men)

The UK population is 68 million so that is 3.4% in that year suffered abuse. This is more reflective of what I see.

Please note I do not condone this in any way, shape of form. I am only looking at this from a numbers point of view to establish the reality.

I'm quite surprised at how many men are the victim of abuse but there seem to be plenty of upleasant ladies out there too (and some male on male domestic abuse too no doubt).

I used to help out with Womens Aid a bit and other support groups.

Amoung friends and people I've knowm as well as those I've met in a more professinal capacity, many of the most seriously abused end up seperated from families and friends. Cutting someone off from any external source of support or alternative world view is the the first step in cohersive control. A lot of physical abusers don't leave bruises anywhere visable to the outside world and if they are seen then there's always another reason, it's not 'walked into a door' stuff.

Not all abuse or failed relationships are violent, much of it is psychological, putting you down all the time, sulking, distancing and for so many women I've known being another child. If I had a penny for every woman I've met who's split up with a partner because they feel as though they have another child, rather than another adult I'd have at least £1:50! When you're working and responsible for children, the house work, shopping and cooking and theres this lump on the sofa who thinks as he's come home from work his responsibility ends and all he has to do is watch telly, the patience of the other partner gets very thin.

Plenty of people come to the realisation that they neither wish to seek, nor need, a "relationship" in the purest one-on-one sense of that word.

If your heart tells you that you don't ACTUALLY want to pursue "a/the" relationship, then I consider it wholly normal (in the autistic sense) just to carry on with your life as it unfurls.......and don't allow yourself to feel "notional" pressure to be "normal."

Rule nothing in (as aspirational), nor rule anything out (as a wild card.)  I think that.....therein.....lies the key to happiness and ENDLESS possibility.

fwiw - as above.

Yours

Number.

TheCatWoman said:

You must have had an exceptionally happy group of friends and contacts not to have come across abusive relationships

I've known of probably 2 in my lifetime, one of which was late school years so I'm not sure it really counts.

My experience has been when it becomes apparent that someone is in an abusive relationship - mostly the male partner being the abuser but not always - then the friends and family form a support network and give the support and help to either get out or kick the partner out.

There seems almost a zero tolerance for abuse at least in the social circles I have lived within - I'm sorry if you or your friends have not had the same support in yours.

TheCatWoman said:

Do the statistics have to reflect your own experience?

I was only adding that I have a very different experience to you. Where do you get your stats from?

Newspapers are particularly unreliable as bad news sells so they will run 10,000 abuse articles before one about someone who has no experience of abuse. In this sense they offer confirmational bias to their readers that the world is a horrible place and they will keep you informed so you can be safe.

I'm not saying you use them, but just flagging up their predisposition for bad news.

Family and social pressure played a large role in my decision to get married years ago. Unsurprisingly, the marriage didn’t work out, so now I am quite settled and content with my single status. In hindsight, being autistic and having difficulties communicating with my ex husband was not the best start, although I didn’t know I was autistic back then. 

I miss not having someone to bounce ideas off or to offer support when things are difficult, but my ex husband wasn’t around much of the time anyway, and we seemed incapable of mutual understanding. Things are so much better now that I’m on my own and I do love having private space to hibernate, should the need arise. 

There are lots of advantages to being on your own. You have control over your daily schedule and timetable. You can go to bed early or late without worrying you will disturb the other. You can eat when and what you like and go away for the day without thinking of getting back home at a certain time, plus the TV remote control is always in position beside my chair!

it can be lonely, of course, but I keep busy and meet up with some of my friends (individually) most weeks.

Do the statistics have to reflect your own experience? I know you can get almost any result you want depending on how you word the questions, but these figures seem to stay pretty stable year on year. I want to ask you with curiosity rather than anger, why you find these statistics so worrying and unbeliveable?

You must have had an exceptionally happy group of friends and contacts not to have come across abusive relationships or maybe one's that have not been open about the abuse they suffer. Of course some people abidicate responsibility, but I think of the people I know, who've either had to take responsibility because a partner won't or because they walk out as soon as the going gets tough. One friend had to take control of all the bills and mortgage because her partner would just blow through money like they were billionaires. 

TheCatWoman said:

this isn't a bold take on things of mine, it's what the statistics show

It has not been my experience - there are certainly times when it happens and newspapers love a good sensational human interest story so I suspect they are magnified through the publicity.

From all the people I have know either through my own contacts or my partners through life, I can only think of 1 person who was in such a controlling relationship. I suspect others were happy to abdicate responsibility for all that admin but they did it willingly.

What do the statistics actually show though? There are loads of ways to ask questions about relationships and represent the numbers so some specifics would give meaning to this conversation.

Iain, this isn't a bold take on things of mine, it's what the statistics show.

In an ideal word and in some relationships, people do work as a team, but for others, they don't, one partner will take control and not let go at all, I don't think it's always age dependent either, some people just have an attitude of "whats your's is mine, and what's mine is mine", it goes much deeper than money, it's insideous and gets into every corner of life.

One older friend of mine's husband was dying, he knew he was dying, but he wouldn't tell my friend anything about financial arrangements, where his will was, if he had one, their daughters begged him to tell them, but he refused. When he died my friend was left not even knowing who thier energy suppliers were, who he banked with or anything, it was a nighmare for the whole family.

That sort of situation terrifies me, but sadly it's all to common, there's no team, or even really any concept of it, some relationships seem to thrive on this sort of thing, until all of a sudden something happens and the dynamic shows just how unhealthy and unfair it really is.

In my case naivety and abuse was also common. But I have to say- I also enjoyed being single because only then I felt like I'm truly myself and no one else was interfering with my personality,  my interests and although part of me craved love, intimacy and affection, another part of me feared that and wanted just peace and my rich inner world. Now I'm with a man (husband), who gives me my space for being myself, its still challenging because of the toddler we have. I often used to fantasise about great and perfect love, usually platonic love, but sometimes also had some fantasies about intimacy. But in the real world its way different than in my inner world. Even sometimes the marriage I'm in seems not satisfying, but I know already, that it's just my inner world. I also recognise some schizoid traits in me- I mean schizoid personality disorder.

For me being single was a very important period of my youth and I regret, that I didn't enjoy it more at that time. But then I was worried, that there is something wrong with me (haha) and compared myself to others, also got often compared to others and told "whats wrong with you" or "you just need to..." and I was pushed by others to find someone finally. 

Yeah, 'happy enough to be single' would pretty much sum it up for me. My marriage, to an autistic woman, ended when I walked out and I've spent the last few years beating myself up over it as I deeply regret it. It's my own fault but she's better off without me. I see my kids, who I didn't contest against her, on a fairly regular basis and me and her try to stay friends, though this has been strained as my mental health has become increasingly worse. My only hope is that I'll somehow get better and learn to live with myself more. I'm not impossible to live with but I can't imagine that anyone would want to, unless it's a landlord who I'm paying rent to. 

Make the most of the time with your children. But I know that it's hard not to have that special someone to snuggle up to, and all the stuff that comes with relationships when, as human beings, it is probably something that we all crave at some time or another. 

TheCatWoman said:

If single older women are happier and healthier and live longer than both their married contemporaries and single men, then to me that says theres something fundamentally wrong with how relationships work and it would seem that the problem is with the men in these circumstances.

An interesting and bold take on it.

Men of the old generations (60+ years old) were raised in a culture where they were often expected to work in much more hazardous environments, exposed to more dangerous materials and lacked the social acceptance to seek help for their medical and mental issues.

They were discouraged from seeking help about mental health conditions, good relationship advice and healthy living by their peers so it is unsurprising that so many were maladjusted and poor in their relationships.

All this was before access to knowledge was easy (ie pre-internet) and when therapy was widely available.

That is what I think was fundamentally wrong - the environment they lived in. To blame them as individuals is unfair - very few would have the strength to run the gauntet of ridicule or worse from their peers and sometimes, their wives.

TheCatWoman said:

Whats wrong with not being in a relationship? Why is it seen as some sort of failure?

I see so many posts on here where people want to be in a relationship but are unable to get to that point. The discussions seem to be from those peoples point of view. 

If you are happy alone then this too is a valid choice.

Society does like to see conformity though. People coupled up "feels right" to them - kind of how they think life should be.

TheCatWoman said:

Society seems to be really afraid of older single people, even if we have kids from previous relationships, so won't be " a burden to society in our old age"

I get this from my 90 year old mother regularly - in her generation I think they expect women to take care of the men but in this age of equality it is a shared thing. The strong support the weak when they need it being a rule of thumb.

I don't think there is true equality in relationships, just a much better form of fairness.

And where does one go to get all this help? In my experience therapists are pretty useless on this subject. If you look at the the divorce statistics then I think you'd find a pretty high failure rate, then theres the people who aren't married who have failed relationships, let alone the ones where a partner is just downright abusive.

Whats wrong with not being in a relationship? Why is it seen as some sort of failure? We're all different, why can't one of those differences be not wanting to be coupled up? Society seems to be really afraid of older single people, even if we have kids from previous relationships, so won't be " a burden to society in our old age". I've seen lots of studies that show older single men dont' live as long as their married contemporaries, whereas the opposite is true with women. If single older women are happier and healthier and live longer than both their married contemporaries and single men, then to me that says theres something fundamentally wrong with how relationships work and it would seem that the problem is with the men in these circumstances.

I have noticed that these studies only seem to involve hetrosexual relationships, maybe homosexual ones are different?

TheCatWoman said:

if bit into 10 apples and 9 of them had worms in I wouldn't eat them again, some time's you just need to learn the lessons the universe is putting in front of you, in this case it would be, don't eat apples.

If I found such a high a ratio of duff apples when research shows the norm is for apples to be healthy then I would consider if I was sourcing my apples from the wrong place, or improve my selection process to check if the apples have the entry holes where the worms get into them.

If this didn't work then I would ask a specialist to help me choose better in future.

To give up on what can be a delicious and healthy snack because of poor choice implies there is something wrong with what I'm doing, not that apples are inherently rotten.

I think this is the more valuable lesson to learn.

There's so much pressure for women to be parterned up, personally I think it's an old fashioned hang over from when women had no independence, financial and otherwise. 

Don't get into another relationship until you feel ready to do so, there's no law that says you have to have relationships if you don't want to and maybe you're not suited to them Ifinally realised I'm not and feel loads better for it.

iain, if bit into 10 apples and 9 of them had worms in I wouldn't eat them again, some time's you just need to learn the lessons the universe is putting in front of you, in this case it would be, don't eat apples.

Littlemissanxious said:

I now feel too scared to even think about another relationship,  to the point I make absolutely no effort to socialise with new people.

This could be considered an analogy to something like "I had a few apples that I found worms in and I'm not going to eat an apple ever again".

There is a lot to be lost potentially if you avoid relationships so you need to think of the good bits and whether they are worth seeking out again.

What would help I suspect if learning to be more assertive and able to stand up for what you want without being threatening. Relationships do take a lot of work to keep fresh but they can provide so much companionship, respect, love, naughtiness and friendship from someone who really gets you.

A therapist would be the ideal person to give this training and help you practice it, but only if you want to of course.

The dating scene is a good place to filter the "applicants" and this is where to set your requirements, assess the candidates and be fairly ruthless in cutting off the ones with red flags. It could be a slow process with the complication of having children already but I'm sure there will still be plenty of men interested.

Apps can be a bit of a meat market but can be effective in separating out the less desirables before even chatting with them.

Littlemissanxious said:

I think honestly it's not so much that I am wanting a relationship,  more like I feel I "should"

Do you want more of the best bits of your previous relationships? The closeness, the excitement, the passion and someone who can surprise you with flowers for example? If you don't want any of that then best stay as you are, but these things can be hard to leave behind in life.

Here’s where im at I want my relationship to work it’s been mostl good for 15 years but living together with me my oh who may or may nkt be audhd tok same wirh our daughter and my son who is it’s too hard so until my son and me can get diagnosed and get all the help it may be easier for me to live alone